DEAR ABBY: I'm in my early 20s and very much in love with "John," the man of my dreams. I know what I want, and I'm on the road to achieving it. I have had my "fun," and hope one day to start a family. Granted, it may not be for another two, five or 10 years -- but hopefully sooner.

This brings me to my predicament. John has told me he's not sure he ever wants to marry. He assured me that if, one day, he decides to be married, if it's not to me, then it will be to someone just like me.

I think John is worth waiting for while he decides, but I refuse to be his girlfriend for the rest of my life. Much as I love him, it would devastate me 10 years down the road if he finally decided not to marry at all.

I don't know what to do. I live on my own with no mother to run to for advice. I have always taken your answers to heart and applied them to my own life. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. -- MINDY IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR MINDY: John may be an absolute doll, but you have described someone who has made it plain he is not ready for a serious commitment. Has it occurred to you that he may be trying to keep you from getting your hopes up where he is concerned? My advice is to keep your options open, and do not sit around waiting for him to grow up and recognize what a catch YOU are.

DEAR ABBY: As an active member of Overeaters Anonymous, I am open and honest with friends about my commitment to better health and understanding the foods I can and cannot eat. I am hoping you can provide me with a kind and gentle response to someone who presents me with a special dessert that she (or he) may have spent hours preparing.

My life and attitudes have changed greatly since I joined OA, and I would give away this freedom from food obsession to everyone I know if it were possible. -- C.T. IN BOULDER, COLO.

DEAR C.T.: Congratulations on your abstinence. When you are confronted with an elaborate dessert you can't eat, say, "I know you worked hard on this. But I can't accept it. I have food issues. I'm addicted to sugar, and once I start, I cannot stop. So please understand."

And unless the person is a diet saboteur, she (or he) will back off.

DEAR ABBY: How does one tell a friend that the tattoo she got in honor of her recently deceased friend is misspelled? Or should one? (I don't think most people would have noticed the misspelling, for what it's worth.) -- GOOD SPELLER IN PASADENA

DEAR GOOD SPELLER: Sometimes the kind thing to do is to keep one's mouth shut. If this were something that was easy to fix, I'd say tell your friend in English, and fast. However, because it's not, my recommendation is to let someone else give her the bad news.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who, last year, became the guardian of her 3-year-old granddaughter. This has severely curtailed her dating due to the need to hire baby sitters.

If a gentleman knows her circumstances and asks her out anyway, who is responsible for paying the baby sitter? -- K.B. IN MACON, GA.

DEAR K.B.: Since the child is her responsibility, it is her responsibility to pay for the baby sitter. However, if the "gentleman" knows it will strain her financially -- and he can afford it -- he should offer to pick up the tab.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Yesterday I made a visit to a city larger than the one in which I currently reside and encountered a problem I have never had before.

I was in a women's restroom when a man wearing a wig walked in. It was obvious that this 6-footer, with a large Adam's apple, deep husky voice, dressed in a floral print dress and high heels, was a man.

Should a transvestite be allowed to use the ladies' restroom? And if sex change surgery was performed, are there any visible signs? -- BEWILDERED IN ADA, OKLA.

DEAR BEWILDERED: There is a difference between a transvestite (someone who feels compelled to wear the clothing of the opposite sex) and a transsexual. A transsexual is a person who feels trapped in the body of the wrong sex. Before a transsexual is allowed to have gender reassignment surgery, he or she must live for one year in the role of someone of the opposite sex. This includes using the restroom facilities of the opposite gender. It is not against the law, and it was no threat to you. (And it was probably safer for the pre-op transsexual than using the men's room would have been.)

When sex change surgery is performed, the surgeons have perfected their technique to such a degree that it can be difficult, if not impossible, to tell that it has been done.

DEAR ABBY: I recently received the following invitation via the Internet:

"You are all cordially invited to a

"WEDDING SHOWER FOR

"Tristan" and "Isolde"

"at 222 Valentine Court

"On July 25 from 1-5 p.m.

"Tristan and Issy are registered at:

"Pier One, Costco and Target

"Come and bring a friend! Tell everyone else you know as well, because I only had a few e-mail addresses. Thanks and God bless!"

Maybe casual is "in," but I still believe we should observe some of the rules of etiquette, don't you? I thought this was really rude and tacky, and your comments would be appreciated. -- CRYSTAL IN KANSAS CITY

DEAR CRYSTAL: Where I come from, showers are warm, intimate, personal gatherings where friends come together to give gifts and good wishes to the people being honored. The "invitation" you received had all the personal warmth of a casting call for extras in a historical epic -– and I don't blame you for being turned off.

DEAR ABBY: This may seem ridiculous, but it's true. My fiance and I are about to break up over his cologne. I'm allergic to it and other manufactured scents. He insists he "must" use it.

I have concluded it's about his disrespect for my needs. He says I am being unreasonable. Where do we go from here? -- MILLIE IN MIAMI

DEAR MILLIE: You and your fiance need to go for a consultation with the doctor who is treating you for your allergies, which are nothing to be sneezed at. Your fiance's attitude may not be about disrespect as much as woeful ignorance about how severe these kinds of allergies can be. Allergy sufferers exposed to certain chemicals have been known to have severe, life-threatening reactions. If, after discussing this with your doctor, your fiance still feels you are being "unreasonable," then you may indeed need to break the engagement.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: In response to "Wondering in Eau Claire, Wis." (June 5), who asked about proper attire at funerals: In modern times black is generally the approved color for mourning, white caskets are still customary for children, and purple is used to designate death and mourning for royalty and many Christian groups.

However, in medieval times it was believed that black should be worn to funerals so that the spirit of the deceased couldn't recognize the family or friends and follow them home.

My opinion: Wear any color you choose, as long as you go. -- R.G.K., FUNERAL DIRECTOR, GREENVILLE, TENN.

DEAR R.G.K.: I couldn't wait to share your tidbit about the origin of the tradition of wearing black at funerals. It reminds me of another tradition from the Middle Ages -- saying "God bless you!" when someone sneezes because it was believed that when one sneezed, the soul left the body and could be "snatched" by an evil spirit. And bless my readers for sharing the choices about what they wore at the funerals of their loved ones:

DEAR ABBY: When my mother passed away a year ago, I couldn't bring myself to wear a somber color to her funeral. I wore an ivory pantsuit. Wearing a color other than black or gray helped me get through that already more than somber day. -- WENDY IN VICTORVILLE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: My brother, Dave, often wore bright Aloha (Hawaiian) shirts. When he died at 55, we buried him in one. A few hours before his funeral, one of his daughters mentioned that she had considered wearing an Aloha shirt to the service. She almost didn't mention it for fear of offending someone. But Dave's wife, his other daughters and I all agreed -- we had to wear Aloha shirts.

We tried to get the word out, but reached only a portion of the attendees. Half the guests wore Aloha shirts. Anyone who knew my brother understood we were honoring him by breaking with tradition.

My one regret was that we didn't contact the minister. He later assured us that if we had thought to call him, he would have worn one, too. -- CRAIG C., ORLANDO, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: These days, hardly anyone wears black to funerals. I have attended five funerals over the past year or so. Three were for bikers, and their friends came dressed accordingly. Also, my religion dictates that at funerals, one should wear green or sage, as those are the colors associated with the crossing over of the spirit. -- KRISTI, ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: That letter brought back a vivid memory for me. My father died of lung cancer in 1987. The last time I visited him at the hospital, I wore a blue silk dress. His last words to me were, "You look so beautiful in that dress! I love you."

He passed nine days before his 61st birthday, and I wore the blue silk dress to his funeral. I still treasure it. -- "LOVE IS BLUE" IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: When my husband died after a debilitating illness, I asked all family members to wear white to celebrate his release from a long, sad illness. Here in Alabama, many funerals are celebrations of the beginning of a new and better life. People wear clothes of many colors. Their respect and care for the family are demonstrated by their presence at the funeral. -- ROSEMARY IN MOBILE, ALA.

DEAR ABBY: After my father's funeral, I could tell you who was there, but not what one single person was wearing. Sometimes what you wear doesn't matter. The respect people show outweighs everything else. -- LINDA T., HARRISON, N.Y.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)