DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Zack," has been a bartender for many years. He has a terrible time remembering the names of his many customers who consider him a friend.

When we're out and about, we often encounter these people. Because Zack cannot remember their names, he simply does not introduce me to them. I feel very left out. Of course, they stare at me and wonder who I am, and it's a very awkward situation.

Zack refuses to admit to people that he can't remember their names. He says they would be offended, especially since he has known them for many years. Is there any way to deal with this? -- RED-FACED IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR RED-FACED: Absolutely! As soon as the person glances over at you, smile and say, "Hi! I'm 'Melissa.' What's your name?" It works every time.

P.S. When your boyfriend sees these people, he probably thinks, "There's rum and cola," or "gin and tonic." His problem is not uncommon among people in his profession.

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, my 25-year-old son was killed in a boating accident. It was a very difficult time, as you can imagine. He was engaged to be married. His fiancee has since moved on with her life, and I have come to terms with my son's death.

My problem is that the mother of one of my son's close friends continues to remind me of this. She calls me every year near the anniversary of his death and wants to take me out to dinner. She always talks about what a "wonderful young man" my son was, how tragic his death was, etc.

Abby, I really can't stand this type of behavior. This year, she presented me with a photograph of my son that her son had taken about a year before his accident. When I saw the picture, it was like a knife in my heart. All of the horrible memories came flooding back.

I think that in some sick way, this woman thinks she is doing a good deed. I didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her this, but I see that I am going to have to because I can't stand another year of her morbid behavior. Someone who has lost a child doesn't need reminders. We all grieve in our own way. -- M.A.R., MARLTON, N.J.

DEAR M.A.R.: The last line of your letter says it all. Some parents welcome the opportunity to talk about the child they lost. That's because they feel isolated in their grief by friends and family who are afraid to raise the subject for fear of hurting them, which leaves them with bottled-up pain they can't express.

I am certain that the woman who is reaching out to you has no idea how unwelcome her gestures are. You would be doing you both a favor if, the next time she calls, you explain to her that "we all grieve in our own way," and your way of dealing with your loss has been to move forward and put it behind you. Therefore, there will be no more dinners, no more reminders of the loss you feel so deeply, and no more souvenirs. Thanks, anyway.

DEAR ABBY: Could you please resolve a question concerning proper table manners?

When you are at a restaurant that has cloth napkins, is it proper to place your napkin on your lap as soon as you are seated or after the server takes your order? -- JULIA IN FAIRBORN, OHIO

DEAR JULIA: Your napkin should be unfolded and placed in your lap as soon as you are seated.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Both times I was pregnant, my mother-in-law, "Lois," talked non-stop about how much she wanted a granddaughter -- even after my husband told her we were expecting a boy.

My husband's younger brother's wife recently had a baby girl, and now Lois keeps gushing on and on about how "wonderful" it is to have a granddaughter. She says nothing about the joys of grandsons.

Recently, when the family got together, I "did not feel up to going" to the reunion because I was worried Lois would give all her attention to her granddaughter and ignore my sons. As a result, neither my husband nor our children went to the reunion. I worry about my sons not knowing their grandparents. Any suggestions? -- WONDERING IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR WONDERING: You didn't mention whether your husband has any sisters. It's possible that Lois always longed for a daughter, and this granddaughter is the fulfillment of her dream.

That said, instead of nursing a grudge, or avoiding family reunions because of what you are afraid "might" happen, it's time you and your mother-in-law sorted this out woman-to-woman. While it's possible for a grandparent to favor one child over another, it is wrong to demonstrate it. And if, in the future, she does that, you would be right in limiting her time with the boys. But please don't jump the gun.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 15 and need some advice. I have tons of friends, but whenever I am around them it seems like I can't be myself. I act like someone totally different from who I really am.

I want to stop acting, but I'm scared they won't accept me for me. I have had a bad past with people. Let's just say that instead of being queen of the school, I was queen of the losers. So now I'm, like, popular, but it sucks because I feel so fake. I love my friends, so I'm hoping if I reveal myself they will accept it. I don't know what to do and would really like to know what you think. -- "FAKE" IN GARDEN GROVE, CALIF.

DEAR "FAKE": I say, go for it. But start slowly in revealing your true self, so your friends will have time to accept the "real" you.

This may seem like a hard choice, but you are paying a high price for your popularity. The way I see it, if you are pretending to be someone you aren't, then your friends aren't really your friends -– they are only friends of the persona you have constructed.

William Shakespeare said it best:

"This above all, to thine own self be true,

"And it must follow, as the night the day,

"Thou can't not then be false to any man."

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful, intelligent man who is in his 50s. I am 42. We have been talking about marriage after dating only a few short months.

The problem is his incessant phone calls, sometimes up to 20 or 30 a day. If I don't answer, he calls repeatedly until I do.

Abby, I have told him repeatedly that I hate being called at work so many times, but he continues. Is he obsessive, or is it love like he says? -- BUGGED BEYOND BELIEF, ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, ILL.

DEAR BUGGED BEYOND BELIEF: What you have described is not love; it's insecurity. This "wonderful, intelligent man" is not only obsessive, but also so absorbed with his own needs that he has no concept of what yours are -– even after being told. The incessant phone calls at work and his premature marriage proposal are both warning signs that you could be involved with a potential abuser. I urge you to step back and look at him from a different perspective before making any commitments.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been taking ballroom dance lessons for several years, and we have become fairly good social dancers. (We don't do gymnastics -- we just dance!)

Our question concerns wedding etiquette. When it's obvious that we "out-dance" the members of the wedding party and the other guests, should we limit our dancing to a slow dance or two? We don't want to draw attention away from the bride and groom, but we do want to celebrate with them.

We have heard a lot of positive comments from brides and grooms and guests who enjoy watching us dance, and only a couple of negative comments from other guests. We don't drink; our dancing is good, clean fun. Is there a rule of etiquette regarding dancing at wedding receptions? -- FRED AND GINGER IN COLUMBUS, GA.

DEAR FRED AND GINGER: The rule of etiquette states that it's rude to draw attention away from the bride and groom -- and that would include both a guest's attire and "show-boating" by performing the equivalent of a Las Vegas lounge act during the reception. No one will be offended if you keep it low-key, and that's what I advise.

DEAR ABBY: My sister sleeps in the nude. She feels she should be able to sleep that way when she travels and visits others in their homes. We have just moved from a home large enough to have a guest bedroom to a small condo with no guestroom. I offered to let her sleep with me if she wore pajamas or a gown. She said she could not sleep in any clothing.

Was I wrong to set these terms? Or is she wrong to expect this in other people's homes? -- WORRIED SISTER IN ARIZONA

DEAR WORRIED SISTER: You'll be a better hostess, and she'll be a better guest, if both of you are fully rested. Because your sister is unable to sleep in any clothing, and you are uncomfortable sharing a bed with her unless she does, when your sister comes to visit she should either bring a sleeping bag or make reservations at a hotel or motel nearby.

DEAR ABBY: I am an exchange student in Germany, nearing the end of my stay and going home in a couple of weeks. To express their gratitude to my host family for taking me in, my parents sent them a large package of sweets and candies from America.

My host brother's 14th birthday is coming up. His sister suggested he take the candies my parents sent to school and share them with his class for his birthday. Abby, I was appalled at her suggestion of "regifting" my parents' gift to the family. And I was even more shocked that no one in the family seemed to understand how this could be interpreted as ungrateful and rude.

After she made the suggestion, I interjected, saying that it would be mean to take it to school. They all replied with a surprised "Why?" I later explained to my host sister that I didn't want her brother to take the candies to school. Again I was asked, "Why not?"

What do you think of this behavior? I'm very hurt. It's not the first time I've experienced such thoughtless behavior from them. Is this some strange German custom, or does my host family have a severe lack of etiquette? -- HURT IN HOLSTEIN, GERMANY

DEAR HURT: It is neither. Once a gift is given, it belongs to the recipients to do with as they wish -– and that includes "sharing the wealth" with others. The concept of sharing the candy was not thoughtless; the impulse was generous, and you overreacted.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)