DEAR ABBY: Both times I was pregnant, my mother-in-law, "Lois," talked non-stop about how much she wanted a granddaughter -- even after my husband told her we were expecting a boy.

My husband's younger brother's wife recently had a baby girl, and now Lois keeps gushing on and on about how "wonderful" it is to have a granddaughter. She says nothing about the joys of grandsons.

Recently, when the family got together, I "did not feel up to going" to the reunion because I was worried Lois would give all her attention to her granddaughter and ignore my sons. As a result, neither my husband nor our children went to the reunion. I worry about my sons not knowing their grandparents. Any suggestions? -- WONDERING IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR WONDERING: You didn't mention whether your husband has any sisters. It's possible that Lois always longed for a daughter, and this granddaughter is the fulfillment of her dream.

That said, instead of nursing a grudge, or avoiding family reunions because of what you are afraid "might" happen, it's time you and your mother-in-law sorted this out woman-to-woman. While it's possible for a grandparent to favor one child over another, it is wrong to demonstrate it. And if, in the future, she does that, you would be right in limiting her time with the boys. But please don't jump the gun.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 15 and need some advice. I have tons of friends, but whenever I am around them it seems like I can't be myself. I act like someone totally different from who I really am.

I want to stop acting, but I'm scared they won't accept me for me. I have had a bad past with people. Let's just say that instead of being queen of the school, I was queen of the losers. So now I'm, like, popular, but it sucks because I feel so fake. I love my friends, so I'm hoping if I reveal myself they will accept it. I don't know what to do and would really like to know what you think. -- "FAKE" IN GARDEN GROVE, CALIF.

DEAR "FAKE": I say, go for it. But start slowly in revealing your true self, so your friends will have time to accept the "real" you.

This may seem like a hard choice, but you are paying a high price for your popularity. The way I see it, if you are pretending to be someone you aren't, then your friends aren't really your friends -– they are only friends of the persona you have constructed.

William Shakespeare said it best:

"This above all, to thine own self be true,

"And it must follow, as the night the day,

"Thou can't not then be false to any man."

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful, intelligent man who is in his 50s. I am 42. We have been talking about marriage after dating only a few short months.

The problem is his incessant phone calls, sometimes up to 20 or 30 a day. If I don't answer, he calls repeatedly until I do.

Abby, I have told him repeatedly that I hate being called at work so many times, but he continues. Is he obsessive, or is it love like he says? -- BUGGED BEYOND BELIEF, ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, ILL.

DEAR BUGGED BEYOND BELIEF: What you have described is not love; it's insecurity. This "wonderful, intelligent man" is not only obsessive, but also so absorbed with his own needs that he has no concept of what yours are -– even after being told. The incessant phone calls at work and his premature marriage proposal are both warning signs that you could be involved with a potential abuser. I urge you to step back and look at him from a different perspective before making any commitments.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been taking ballroom dance lessons for several years, and we have become fairly good social dancers. (We don't do gymnastics -- we just dance!)

Our question concerns wedding etiquette. When it's obvious that we "out-dance" the members of the wedding party and the other guests, should we limit our dancing to a slow dance or two? We don't want to draw attention away from the bride and groom, but we do want to celebrate with them.

We have heard a lot of positive comments from brides and grooms and guests who enjoy watching us dance, and only a couple of negative comments from other guests. We don't drink; our dancing is good, clean fun. Is there a rule of etiquette regarding dancing at wedding receptions? -- FRED AND GINGER IN COLUMBUS, GA.

DEAR FRED AND GINGER: The rule of etiquette states that it's rude to draw attention away from the bride and groom -- and that would include both a guest's attire and "show-boating" by performing the equivalent of a Las Vegas lounge act during the reception. No one will be offended if you keep it low-key, and that's what I advise.

DEAR ABBY: My sister sleeps in the nude. She feels she should be able to sleep that way when she travels and visits others in their homes. We have just moved from a home large enough to have a guest bedroom to a small condo with no guestroom. I offered to let her sleep with me if she wore pajamas or a gown. She said she could not sleep in any clothing.

Was I wrong to set these terms? Or is she wrong to expect this in other people's homes? -- WORRIED SISTER IN ARIZONA

DEAR WORRIED SISTER: You'll be a better hostess, and she'll be a better guest, if both of you are fully rested. Because your sister is unable to sleep in any clothing, and you are uncomfortable sharing a bed with her unless she does, when your sister comes to visit she should either bring a sleeping bag or make reservations at a hotel or motel nearby.

DEAR ABBY: I am an exchange student in Germany, nearing the end of my stay and going home in a couple of weeks. To express their gratitude to my host family for taking me in, my parents sent them a large package of sweets and candies from America.

My host brother's 14th birthday is coming up. His sister suggested he take the candies my parents sent to school and share them with his class for his birthday. Abby, I was appalled at her suggestion of "regifting" my parents' gift to the family. And I was even more shocked that no one in the family seemed to understand how this could be interpreted as ungrateful and rude.

After she made the suggestion, I interjected, saying that it would be mean to take it to school. They all replied with a surprised "Why?" I later explained to my host sister that I didn't want her brother to take the candies to school. Again I was asked, "Why not?"

What do you think of this behavior? I'm very hurt. It's not the first time I've experienced such thoughtless behavior from them. Is this some strange German custom, or does my host family have a severe lack of etiquette? -- HURT IN HOLSTEIN, GERMANY

DEAR HURT: It is neither. Once a gift is given, it belongs to the recipients to do with as they wish -– and that includes "sharing the wealth" with others. The concept of sharing the candy was not thoughtless; the impulse was generous, and you overreacted.

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DEAR ABBY: "Distraught in New Jersey" (7/12), who stated that he was in an abusive relationship for about a year," made himself sound more like the victim than the perpetrator of domestic violence. His comment that he "enrolled in an anger management class" after being arrested for domestic violence also reflects a lack of personal responsibility for his crime. Perpetrators rarely, if ever, voluntarily "enroll" in such programs. They are mandated by the courts.

I also take exception to his use of the term "anger management." Spousal abuse has little to do with stress or anger, and everything to do with significant character flaws and psychopathology. I should note that such men rarely beat anyone but their wives and girlfriends. If their aggression was rooted only in "anger," the violence would be directed at everyone.

The abuser's statement that he wants to personally contact and apologize to his victim, who had a restraining order issued against him, also reflects his denial and manipulative qualities. Battered women seek restraining orders against their assailants because they want protection, not apologies. Restraining orders are also a means by which a victim tells her batterer that the relationship is over.

Domestic violence perpetrators are cunning and often use treatment as a means of manipulating their victims back into a relationship.

"Distraught in New Jersey" needs to understand that the completion of a program, even when the restraining order has expired, does not give him the right to contact the woman he previously victimized. If he does, he could once again find himself in the slammer. -- MICHAEL GROETSCH, PROBATION OFFICER, NEW ORLEANS MUNICIPAL COURT

DEAR MICHAEL: Your letter is important, and thank you for writing it as a wake-up call not only to perpetrators of domestic violence, but to victims as well. As you so aptly stated, domestic violence is not about the inability to control one's temper; it is about control over the victim. In the case of "Distraught in New Jersey," if he succeeds in contacting his victim "to apologize," he will be in violation of the terms of his restraining order, and if he does so after it expires, he could be arrested for trespassing or stalking. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Speaking as a criminal defense attorney who handles domestic violence cases on a regular basis, I must warn "Distraught in New Jersey" not to contact his victim!

The police and the courts take these orders very seriously. If "Distraught" -- or any other reader, for that matter -- is the defendant in a restraining order, he should have not contact in any way, shape or form, with the plaintiff, or he stands a very real chance of being charged criminally.

I have had clients charged for doing something so simple as sending a birthday card, or merely being present at the same high school graduation, as the person who holds the order. Is this unfair? Perhaps, but it is the law and must be obeyed.

So, "Distraught" should complete his counseling, obey the order, and realize the best apology is letting his former girlfriend get on with her life. -- CHRISTOPHER S. TODD, SPRINGFIELD, MASS.

DEAR CHRISTOPHER: I couldn't agree more.

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