DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and have a complicated problem. My mother, whom I love very much and who is one of the most wonderful women ever, has, at 41, found herself in a very difficult situation.

She recently confided to me that her marriage of almost 12 years to my stepfather has been extremely unsatisfactory -- especially in the bedroom. He has absolutely no interest in the deed at all, and, as a normal, red-blooded woman, she does.

I suggested they seek professional guidance, but they have yet to do so. To further confuse the situation, Mom has found herself attracted to a 28-year-old co-worker who is also very attracted to her and has made his feelings known.

I am not sure how to advise her about this. On the one hand, it's wrong to have an affair. But on the other hand, you only get one life, and I want her to be happy. Mom is a wonderful woman and deserves everything good in life, and I don't know what to tell her. Please help, Abby. -- IN A HOT SPOT IN TUCSON

DEAR IN A HOT SPOT: Your mother may be a "wonderful woman," but it was extremely inappropriate of her to try to involve you in her sex life. Please don't give this your blessing, or the person who will get the blame for it later is YOU.

Tell her again that she needs to resolve this problem with her husband and a marriage counselor. It's the mature way of handling the kind of problem she's dealing with.

DEAR ABBY: My sister and I are throwing a large 40th anniversary/60th birthday party for my parents and sending them on a trip as our gift to them.

In lieu of gifts, my sister sent out invitations that stated we would instead be graciously accepting donations to help pay for the trip. Because the range of donations will vary from person to person, my sister has decided to give Mother a list detailing the amount given by each guest. She feels that because some folks may go "above and beyond" what others donate, our mother needs to know who the most generous gifts come from.

I am vehemently opposed to the idea. I feel that any donation that helps to pay for the trip is "above and beyond" anyone's obligation, and that their being part of the celebration is enough -- regardless of how much they give.

I see no reason for my parents ever to know who gives what, and think that my sister sharing the information is in terrible taste. Your thoughts, please? -- EMBARRASSED IN PITTSFORD, N.Y.

DEAR EMBARRASSED: If the party and trip are a gift from you and your sister, I am mystified as to why the guests are asked to make contributions to foot the bill. I agree that any donation that will help to pay for the trip is above and beyond anyone's "obligation," and for your sister to give your parents an accounting of what each guest forks over would be tacky in the extreme.

DEAR ABBY: A good friend of mine from work and her family are from Romania. They moved to the United States nine years ago. She, her husband and son have all just become U.S. citizens. I am happy for them and proud to know them.

I would like to get them a gift in celebration, and I'm not sure what would be appropriate. Could you suggest something that you think would work? I'd appreciate any input you would give. -- PROUD OF MY FRIEND, BROWNTOWN, WIS.

DEAR PROUD: How about giving them an American flag?

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Clay," has a very abnormal relationship with his mother. (I'll call her "Jewel," although she's far from one.)

Clay frequently tells me I'll never be as perfect as Jewel, that she's a living saint. He tells her how much money he makes, but he won't tell me, and he refuses to tell me where his money goes. He insists we have separate checking accounts, but he shares an account with Jewel. Abby, Clay earns three or four times as much as I do, but he never helps financially.

He never buys groceries, and I've had to pawn my jewelry, work overtime and beg my parents for money to put food on the table for our three children. Clay will pay nothing toward the children's clothing or doctor visits, and he has never bought them –- or me -– a gift for any occasion. He has never bought anything for our home, either.

Jewel is nosy and butts into every aspect of our lives. She claims she "loves" us and is "trying to help." When she calls, if no one answers, she demands to know where we were -- and Clay tells her. If he goes somewhere alone and I ask where he's been, he says it's none of my business and accuses me of being controlling. Jewel calls to question him five times a day and it's OK, but when I ask him anything, I'm "intruding" on his life.

This is only the tip of the iceberg. I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the picture. Abby, how can I get him to understand how his relationship with his mother is hurting me? Mothers and sons should be close, but not that close. It's time for him to cut the umbilical cord. I'm desperate –- please help me. -- MARRIED TO A MAMA'S BOY

DEAR MARRIED TO A MAMA'S BOY: The "saint" in the family must be you –- for having tolerated this situation long enough to have three children with this man.

Your mother-in-law may be part of your problem, but your marriage to Clay is so out of balance I almost hesitate to call it a marriage. When people marry, they have certain financial obligations toward each other that Clay seems to have ignored completely.

Marriage counseling might be helpful, but only after you have consulted a lawyer to learn what your rights are –- because it seems to me you're enduring all of the hassles and enjoying none of the privileges of marriage.

DEAR ABBY: I have an irritating problem I'm sure many people can relate to. My name is "Phoebe," pronounced "Fee-bee." Why is it the majority of people pronounce it "Fobe," "Fobee" or "Phobia"? Is there an appropriate method of correcting people?

This is especially embarrassing when I visit the doctor and the nurse steps into the waiting room and calls for "Fobee" or "Fobe." It aggravates me that so many people have such difficulty with my name, yet no one seems to mispronounce Phoenix. Why is that? -- PHOEBE

DEAR PHOEBE: Try not to be embarrassed when people mispronounce your name. Simply correct them and move on, knowing they probably won't make the same mistake twice. I'm sure you're not the only one with this problem. It probably also happened to Caesar.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Last spring, my neighbor was getting way too friendly with my husband. They worked together. She helped him get the job and acted as his supervisor.

She started calling our house three or four times a day to talk about subjects unrelated to work. They worked nights, but I discovered they talked for hours during the day while I was at work. I also learned they went to the movies together occasionally. I suspect that far more than that went on.

Of course, I went into a rage. Things got messy, and I moved out of our house for a few weeks. We have somewhat repaired the marriage, but I will never love or trust my husband the way I did before. I have not talked to the neighbor since this incident, but my husband revealed that when she heard I moved out, she ended the socializing. (He still has the job.)

During the holidays, this neighbor's children delivered a meat and vegetable casserole to our house, apparently as a gesture of friendship.

What should I do? Send her the dish back? -- JILL IN FLORIDA

DEAR JILL: It seems only logical. She returned your husband. You should return her dish.

DEAR ABBY: My wife just had a D and C because the baby was dead. There was no heartbeat. My problem is my wife doesn't want to talk about it.

I love my wife more than any woman I have ever known. It hurts me more than words can express that she keeps this to herself. I love her and want to hold her, but she is pulling away. It's as if she feels this is my fault. I would like for us to cry together over the loss of our baby. How do I get through to her that this is what we need to do? -- SAD HUSBAND IN OHIO

DEAR SAD HUSBAND: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your baby. Everyone deals with loss differently. Your need to talk and cry may not be what your wife is ready to do at this time.

It would be helpful for you to contact your clergyperson and inquire about grief support groups and a grief therapist for yourself and your wife. Please clip this letter, show it to her, and ask her to go with you. If it hasn't already been done, consider holding a memorial service for the baby.

An organization that can help is The Compassionate Friends. Members are parents who have experienced the loss of a child. To learn more about them, visit � HYPERLINK "http://www.compassionatefriends.org" ��www.compassionatefriends.org� or call toll-free (877) 969-0010.

DEAR ABBY: I'm concerned about the number of people who say their pets drink from the toilets.

I've had dogs and cats over the years, and have never allowed them to drink from the toilet. I always have fresh water for them in a bowl in the kitchen, a bowl on the patio and another in the yard. Animals simply must have fresh water.

The reason I'm alarmed is today I purchased a toilet bowl cleaner in tablet form to put into the toilet tank. The instructions warn that these tablets are extremely poisonous and may cause fatalities if ingested. So what about all these thirsty animals that are desperately getting their water from toilets?

Please print this, Abby. It might save some pets' lives. -- PET LOVER IN CHULA VISTA, CALIF.

DEAR PET LOVER: Thank you for your warning. Readers, if you have pets who roam around your house, always keep the lid of your toilets down!

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)