DEAR ABBY: Last spring, my neighbor was getting way too friendly with my husband. They worked together. She helped him get the job and acted as his supervisor.

She started calling our house three or four times a day to talk about subjects unrelated to work. They worked nights, but I discovered they talked for hours during the day while I was at work. I also learned they went to the movies together occasionally. I suspect that far more than that went on.

Of course, I went into a rage. Things got messy, and I moved out of our house for a few weeks. We have somewhat repaired the marriage, but I will never love or trust my husband the way I did before. I have not talked to the neighbor since this incident, but my husband revealed that when she heard I moved out, she ended the socializing. (He still has the job.)

During the holidays, this neighbor's children delivered a meat and vegetable casserole to our house, apparently as a gesture of friendship.

What should I do? Send her the dish back? -- JILL IN FLORIDA

DEAR JILL: It seems only logical. She returned your husband. You should return her dish.

DEAR ABBY: My wife just had a D and C because the baby was dead. There was no heartbeat. My problem is my wife doesn't want to talk about it.

I love my wife more than any woman I have ever known. It hurts me more than words can express that she keeps this to herself. I love her and want to hold her, but she is pulling away. It's as if she feels this is my fault. I would like for us to cry together over the loss of our baby. How do I get through to her that this is what we need to do? -- SAD HUSBAND IN OHIO

DEAR SAD HUSBAND: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your baby. Everyone deals with loss differently. Your need to talk and cry may not be what your wife is ready to do at this time.

It would be helpful for you to contact your clergyperson and inquire about grief support groups and a grief therapist for yourself and your wife. Please clip this letter, show it to her, and ask her to go with you. If it hasn't already been done, consider holding a memorial service for the baby.

An organization that can help is The Compassionate Friends. Members are parents who have experienced the loss of a child. To learn more about them, visit � HYPERLINK "http://www.compassionatefriends.org" ��www.compassionatefriends.org� or call toll-free (877) 969-0010.

DEAR ABBY: I'm concerned about the number of people who say their pets drink from the toilets.

I've had dogs and cats over the years, and have never allowed them to drink from the toilet. I always have fresh water for them in a bowl in the kitchen, a bowl on the patio and another in the yard. Animals simply must have fresh water.

The reason I'm alarmed is today I purchased a toilet bowl cleaner in tablet form to put into the toilet tank. The instructions warn that these tablets are extremely poisonous and may cause fatalities if ingested. So what about all these thirsty animals that are desperately getting their water from toilets?

Please print this, Abby. It might save some pets' lives. -- PET LOVER IN CHULA VISTA, CALIF.

DEAR PET LOVER: Thank you for your warning. Readers, if you have pets who roam around your house, always keep the lid of your toilets down!

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Please tell your readers that a death-bed confession that can hurt a spouse is better left unsaid. Take it to your grave without hurting those left behind.

For nearly 50 years, I was married to one of the best-looking Christian men a woman could have. He was out of the house almost every night of the week doing church work. I held a job and remained at home with the children in the evenings, so he could do the Lord's work. Everyone loved him and always told me he set the best example of any man in our church.

When he was stricken with cancer, I nursed him, stayed with him, and gave up my job to help him stay alive.

One day, out of the blue, when he knew he had only a short time to live, he confessed to me that he had been a philandering cheat, and told me how many women he'd had affairs with during our marriage. I was aware that one woman in our community had left her husband for another man, but I did not know it was my husband. He also confessed that some of his girlfriends were younger than our daughters.

Only one of my children knows about his philandering. She has urged me not to tell the rest of the family.

He begged me not to hate him when I looked down on him in the casket. But I do. When I go to church people always say nice things about him and what a wonderful Christian he was. I make no comment.

I hate him so much I don't even want to be buried next to him. I am trying to avoid it by being cremated and having my ashes scattered when I die, but my children want me next to their dad. There are times when I wish I could tell them the truth. -- HURT TO THE HEART IN VIRGINIA

DEAR HURT TO THE HEART: Your feelings are understandable. Although confession may be good for the soul, it can be emotionally devastating to the person who has to hear it. And having to hear well-meaning comments about what a "good Christian" he was, while in reality he was fooling around like the devil, must be particularly hurtful.

If you would prefer your remains to be apart from your husband's, your wishes should be respected. Put your wishes in writing and give them to your lawyer and to your daughter who knows the whole story. Include a sealed letter detailing all of the reasons why you feel the way you do, to be opened only if your children are unwilling to follow your instructions. If nothing else, you deserve to have the last word.

DEAR ABBY: I will be in the 11th grade in the fall. It's the year in which everyone goes insane searching for "the perfect college."

When we went to my brother's college to see him off last September, I got a good look at it and really liked it. My parents suggested I should look elsewhere, considering that I had "followed along" at every school my brother has gone to. Wherever he went, Abby, it made perfect sense that I would go there, too.

My parents think it would be wise to give him his space now. They're not barring me from applying there, but ... anyway, Abby, I'd like a second opinion. Thanks. -- WONDERING

DEAR WONDERING: Stop "wondering" and listen to your parents. They appear to be intelligent people who are sensitive to the needs of both of their children. In other words, having a college experience entirely on your own could be a growth opportunity for you, too.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have never been overly fond of my brother-in-law, "Ivan." He's an obnoxious, overbearing bully, and his wife, "Anita," is envious and deceitful. My husband and I have been married 24 years, and I have tolerated these two because my husband and Ivan were in business together. By the way, my husband is 10 years older than Ivan and has much more business experience.

In their personal lives, Ivan and Anita have gone out of their way to upstage us. We bought a car; they bought a more expensive one. We redecorated our kitchen; they remodeled their whole house. We sold our home and bought a bigger one; they sold theirs and bought a house larger than ours. It became a family joke.

Ivan refused to consult my husband on business matters and purchased so much inventory, we nearly had to file for bankruptcy. Finally, after 13 years, we had enough. We sold our share of the business and have never been happier, nor more successful.

Abby, after putting up with their shenanigans for so many years, I literally hate Ivan and Anita. I know it sounds terrible, but I don't speak to them, and I refuse to be in their presence. Although my husband speaks to them, he doesn't really care for their company either.

The dilemma: I realize it's not fair to the rest of the family that I won't attend family functions if Ivan and Anita are there, but should I make myself miserable for the sake of my husband's family? -- FREE AT LAST IN FAIRBANKS

DEAR FREE AT LAST: From your description of Ivan and Anita, they are more to be pitied than hated. Their self-esteem issues are so severe they destroyed a successful family business. You are free now and more successful than ever, so why are you hanging onto your anger this way?

To make your family "choose" which of you to invite to family gatherings is unfair. For the sake of your husband's family, bite the bullet and attend, but concentrate on other family members and avoid Ivan and Anita whenever possible.

DEAR ABBY: Our father died three years ago. He was married to "Mildred," his second wife, for more than 10 years. We weren't close to her. However, we do write occasionally and see her once or twice a year. He left everything to her in his will, which we accept.

Never in all the time since our father died has Mildred offered to give us anything of Dad's. Just something small and personal would be greatly appreciated and treasured. We're not talking about anything of monetary value. Also, there are numerous items such as old family photographs, a few things of my grandmother's, etc. We can't figure out why she would want to keep them, and we feel they should be kept in our family.

We thought that in time, she'd give us these items, so we haven't asked her about them. Perhaps if she sees this letter she will realize that this means a lot to us. What do you think we should do, Abby? Or should we just ask her? -- HIS CHILDREN

DEAR CHILDREN: Mildred isn't a mind reader. By all means, ask her. Granted, offering you something that belonged to your father would have been the sensitive thing to do, but she may have been preoccupied by her own grief, or perhaps she didn't think there was anything you wanted. Don't count on her seeing your letter in my column -- speak up.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)