DEAR ABBY: Please tell your readers that a death-bed confession that can hurt a spouse is better left unsaid. Take it to your grave without hurting those left behind.

For nearly 50 years, I was married to one of the best-looking Christian men a woman could have. He was out of the house almost every night of the week doing church work. I held a job and remained at home with the children in the evenings, so he could do the Lord's work. Everyone loved him and always told me he set the best example of any man in our church.

When he was stricken with cancer, I nursed him, stayed with him, and gave up my job to help him stay alive.

One day, out of the blue, when he knew he had only a short time to live, he confessed to me that he had been a philandering cheat, and told me how many women he'd had affairs with during our marriage. I was aware that one woman in our community had left her husband for another man, but I did not know it was my husband. He also confessed that some of his girlfriends were younger than our daughters.

Only one of my children knows about his philandering. She has urged me not to tell the rest of the family.

He begged me not to hate him when I looked down on him in the casket. But I do. When I go to church people always say nice things about him and what a wonderful Christian he was. I make no comment.

I hate him so much I don't even want to be buried next to him. I am trying to avoid it by being cremated and having my ashes scattered when I die, but my children want me next to their dad. There are times when I wish I could tell them the truth. -- HURT TO THE HEART IN VIRGINIA

DEAR HURT TO THE HEART: Your feelings are understandable. Although confession may be good for the soul, it can be emotionally devastating to the person who has to hear it. And having to hear well-meaning comments about what a "good Christian" he was, while in reality he was fooling around like the devil, must be particularly hurtful.

If you would prefer your remains to be apart from your husband's, your wishes should be respected. Put your wishes in writing and give them to your lawyer and to your daughter who knows the whole story. Include a sealed letter detailing all of the reasons why you feel the way you do, to be opened only if your children are unwilling to follow your instructions. If nothing else, you deserve to have the last word.

DEAR ABBY: I will be in the 11th grade in the fall. It's the year in which everyone goes insane searching for "the perfect college."

When we went to my brother's college to see him off last September, I got a good look at it and really liked it. My parents suggested I should look elsewhere, considering that I had "followed along" at every school my brother has gone to. Wherever he went, Abby, it made perfect sense that I would go there, too.

My parents think it would be wise to give him his space now. They're not barring me from applying there, but ... anyway, Abby, I'd like a second opinion. Thanks. -- WONDERING

DEAR WONDERING: Stop "wondering" and listen to your parents. They appear to be intelligent people who are sensitive to the needs of both of their children. In other words, having a college experience entirely on your own could be a growth opportunity for you, too.

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DEAR ABBY: I have never been overly fond of my brother-in-law, "Ivan." He's an obnoxious, overbearing bully, and his wife, "Anita," is envious and deceitful. My husband and I have been married 24 years, and I have tolerated these two because my husband and Ivan were in business together. By the way, my husband is 10 years older than Ivan and has much more business experience.

In their personal lives, Ivan and Anita have gone out of their way to upstage us. We bought a car; they bought a more expensive one. We redecorated our kitchen; they remodeled their whole house. We sold our home and bought a bigger one; they sold theirs and bought a house larger than ours. It became a family joke.

Ivan refused to consult my husband on business matters and purchased so much inventory, we nearly had to file for bankruptcy. Finally, after 13 years, we had enough. We sold our share of the business and have never been happier, nor more successful.

Abby, after putting up with their shenanigans for so many years, I literally hate Ivan and Anita. I know it sounds terrible, but I don't speak to them, and I refuse to be in their presence. Although my husband speaks to them, he doesn't really care for their company either.

The dilemma: I realize it's not fair to the rest of the family that I won't attend family functions if Ivan and Anita are there, but should I make myself miserable for the sake of my husband's family? -- FREE AT LAST IN FAIRBANKS

DEAR FREE AT LAST: From your description of Ivan and Anita, they are more to be pitied than hated. Their self-esteem issues are so severe they destroyed a successful family business. You are free now and more successful than ever, so why are you hanging onto your anger this way?

To make your family "choose" which of you to invite to family gatherings is unfair. For the sake of your husband's family, bite the bullet and attend, but concentrate on other family members and avoid Ivan and Anita whenever possible.

DEAR ABBY: Our father died three years ago. He was married to "Mildred," his second wife, for more than 10 years. We weren't close to her. However, we do write occasionally and see her once or twice a year. He left everything to her in his will, which we accept.

Never in all the time since our father died has Mildred offered to give us anything of Dad's. Just something small and personal would be greatly appreciated and treasured. We're not talking about anything of monetary value. Also, there are numerous items such as old family photographs, a few things of my grandmother's, etc. We can't figure out why she would want to keep them, and we feel they should be kept in our family.

We thought that in time, she'd give us these items, so we haven't asked her about them. Perhaps if she sees this letter she will realize that this means a lot to us. What do you think we should do, Abby? Or should we just ask her? -- HIS CHILDREN

DEAR CHILDREN: Mildred isn't a mind reader. By all means, ask her. Granted, offering you something that belonged to your father would have been the sensitive thing to do, but she may have been preoccupied by her own grief, or perhaps she didn't think there was anything you wanted. Don't count on her seeing your letter in my column -- speak up.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Please tell me if I'm going crazy. My husband of 30 years recently admitted that he enjoys wearing my undergarments! At first I was shocked, but now I am over it. We went shopping together and bought him several pairs of panties and a couple of nightgowns. He was in seventh heaven.

Our sex life has never been better and we really are enjoying each other -- but still I wonder. -- MIXED UP IN FLORIDA

DEAR MIXED UP: You are not the first wife who has helped her husband cross-dress, and you won't be the last. He is a transvestite -- someone who enjoys wearing clothing that is traditionally worn by the opposite sex. Because your sex life has "never been better" and you are "really enjoying each other," my advice is to stop "wondering" and appreciate that after 30 years of marriage your husband finally trusted you enough to show you who he really is.

DEAR ABBY: My 6-year-old grandson, "Andy," was "Daddy's boy" before his father and my daughter divorced. Now "Andrew" (the father) refuses to see Andy or even call him by name. I asked Andy if he misses his daddy a lot, and he nodded yes. It's overwhelmingly sad.

Distance isn't the problem. It's that Andrew has remarried and has a new son. Andy was named after his father; his new brother was given the same name!

I don't understand why Andrew is so cruelly punishing the boy. Andy has questions about the father he loves that we can't answer, and a brother he has never seen.

I hope Andrew will change his mind. He wants no contact with Andy or our side of the family, but I hope the rest of the family will stay in touch with the boy. My grandson needs all of his relatives even more now that his father chooses to be out of his life.

Abby, please print this so Andrew's family will know they are wanted and needed, not to take sides or to judge, but to love a child who is theirs, too. -- CONCERNED GRANDMA

DEAR CONCERNED GRANDMA: Your former son-in-law's actions are very revealing. They illustrate how shallow his commitment was to his firstborn child. In case your former in-laws miss seeing this letter, call them and tell them exactly what you've told me.

If the paternal grandparents choose not to continue their relationship with Andy, you and your daughter should seriously consider enlisting a male relative from your side of the family to spend some time with the boy.

If that's not possible, consider Big Brothers, an organization that provides caring volunteers willing to become mentors and give of their time and friendship. To contact a chapter near you, write: Big Brothers Big Sisters of America, 230 N. 13th St., Philadelphia, PA 19107; or visit � HYPERLINK "http://www.BBBS.org" ��www.BBBS.org�.

DEAR ABBY: I am thinking about trying something unusual, and I would like your opinion. I am a divorced mother of two who is fortunate to have an excellent relationship with my ex-husband and his wife. We all believe that the children come first.

For many reasons, I believe the best arrangement may be for all of us to live together. I have found a house with a lovely remodeled basement with a separate entrance. I could live there, and my ex and his wife could have the upstairs. We would not have to venture into each other's space unless invited, but the children would have easy access to all of us.

Obviously, there are details to work out, but we think we are all mature enough to handle them. Have you ever heard of this working? -- L.C. IN MISSOURI

DEAR L.C.: No, I haven't. What you're contemplating would require an unusual degree of maturity and civility, but that doesn't mean it can't be done. However, I can't help but wonder what might happen if you brought another man into the equation. Would everyone be as comfortable then?

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)