DEAR ABBY: My mother says I'm tearing our family apart. On Mother's Day, my 8-year-old daughter teased her 9-year-old cousin, asking who'd like her last bite of dessert. When he said he wanted it, she said, "Just kidding!" My nephew went running into the house wailing like he'd been hit.

I was in the middle of telling my daughter what she did was wrong and she should apologize, when I heard my brother, "Harry," ask my nephew why he was crying. My nephew said my daughter had teased him over the dessert, and Harry said, "Well, she's a little bitch!" I was horrified. My daughter and sister-in-law heard it, too.

When I went inside to talk to Harry, he told me he didn't mean it that way and that he could say anything in his house that he wants. My daughter and I left, and I haven't talked to him since.

He has apologized to my daughter with numerous justifications for what he said, but he hasn't apologized to me for what he called my daughter and the way he talked to me. We have had two family birthdays since then (including another at my brother's), and my daughter and I haven't attended either one. My mother is taking Harry's side, saying I'm too sensitive and the word isn't that bad. Am I wrong to think that calling an 8-year-old a "bitch" is horrible, degrading and uncalled for? -- SISTER OF A TRASH MOUTH

DEAR SISTER: Probably not. But your brother has already apologized to the "injured" party for what he said, and he does not owe you one. I'm voting with your mother. You have already punished yourself and your daughter enough by missing out on the family birthday parties. Enough, already!

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I became acquainted with a woman I'll call "Julie." We were neighbors and talked often. One day, she confided that she was in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. She said she was a prisoner in her own home and didn't know what to do.

To make a long story short, I let myself get sucked in. I trusted her. I helped Julie financially to retain a lawyer and found her and her children a nice place to live through another friend of mine, "Sue." Sue knew of Julie's situation because I told her. She, too, was very kind to Julie.

Not only was Julie always late with her rent (there was no reason for her to be), she broke her lease and lied about why she had to move. My issue is that I unwittingly sucked Sue in for Julie's "cause." I feel terrible and responsible, even though I have apologized to Sue about it. Julie has made no effort to contact us since then.

I recently learned that Julie has "befriended" a prominent single man from church. (She's not yet divorced.) I believe he is getting sucked in the way I was. He has connections and has helped Julie find another job. He has also helped her move. Should I let him know what kind of person Julie really is, or use this as a learning experience, mind my own business and move on? -- CONNED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CONNED: Would you keep silent if you knew there was a pickpocket loose in the congregation? You should not only tell the man what your and Sue's experience was with this woman, you should also clue your clergyperson in on the fact that there is a predator loose in his flock. It may not make you popular, but at least your conscience will be clear.

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DEAR ABBY: For nearly 30 years, I believed my marriage to be rock solid. Imagine my shock, disbelief and pain when my husband announced he no longer loved me and wanted out of our marriage. And, although he initially denied her existence, he married the other woman soon after our divorce became final.

With our children grown, there was no reason for us to remain in contact, even though we live within a few miles of each other. From the time he left, my ex made it clear that the break was to be complete. I haven't seen him for years and have never met his new wife.

One of our children married recently and the festivities brought my former spouse and me into contact. We were cordial but restrained in each other's company. Given the years that have passed and the nature of our reunion, I was surprised at the obvious insecurity shown by his wife.

Now he is calling me. His calls always have a purpose, though the reasons are flimsy. They are increasingly warm and friendly. I can't say that I don't enjoy them, but I'm beginning to feel a little uncomfortable about their frequency. I don't know if this is because of my own possible dormant feelings or repugnance at the thought of ever becoming "the other woman."

I asked him if his wife knew he called. He side-stepped giving me a direct answer. Now I'm in a real pickle. It would be nice to have some measure of friendship, but a renewed relationship with my ex also scares me. I can't talk to my children or friends about this. I'd appreciate some advice. -- OLDER BUT NOT WISER

DEAR NOT WISER: You are too wiser! If you weren't wiser, you would not be questioning the situation. How delicious it must be that your ex is now sneaking around on the woman he left you for, and calling you.

My advice is not to give in to the temptation to gloat or allow it to continue. The wife made it clear at the wedding that she's threatened by you. (And probably any other woman!) She's threatened because she knows exactly what he's capable of.

A legitimate, aboveboard friendship isn't possible under these circumstances. So, unless you're bored and looking for drama -- and possibly more pain -- the next time your ex calls, tell him enough is enough. It will save you a world of heartache.

DEAR ABBY: I am a security officer. I started this job only three weeks ago. Yesterday was pretty stressful. I kept my cool because I was dealing with explosives. After three attempts to find out what building they belonged in, this one employee told me "not to get my panties in a bunch."

I told my boss what happened and demanded an apology. It has yet to happen. I am a contract worker. Do I have a right to report this on my own? I know the name of the person who said it.

I had to go to the hospital because my blood pressure was 166/109, and I had pain in my chest and dizziness. Then I had to go back to the doctor the next day for a checkup. What are my rights? -- UNSURE OF WHAT TO DO

DEAR UNSURE: You are within your rights to report what happened, but I can't guarantee the results. However, because of your physical problems, I am recommending that you re-evaluate your career choice. Security work is often stressful, and more stress could adversely affect your health.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old woman, married with two sons, 7 and 8. My husband of nine years and I try to set a good example and teach them the difference between right and wrong.

My mother is dating a man who has been married for many years. Mom and this married man have been "dating" for about four years. He says he's miserable and still married only because a divorce would lose him half his assets. I know there will come a day when our boys find out that "Grandpa" is married to someone else.

My husband and I have taught our children that marriage is a faithful and truthful act that only two people who love each other very much should engage in. We have also taught them that marriage is forever -- until death do us part. How do I answer the questions I know are going to follow?

Please don't tell me to let Grandma tell them the story. Her take on the situation may warp our kids' sense of marriage. I refuse to lie to my sons, but I don't want them to look at Grandma as a horrible person, either. Any suggestions? -- DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY

DEAR DON'T KNOW: First of all, your sons should not be calling your mother's boyfriend "Grandpa," because he isn't their grandfather. And Grandma isn't a "horrible" person; she is someone who has allowed herself to become the "side dish" of a man who values his money more than he values her.

If asked, tell your sons that you do not approve, but that Grandma is a big girl -- and this is the decision she has made.

DEAR ABBY: I was in an abusive relationship for about a year before I was finally arrested last summer for domestic violence. Since then I have enrolled in anger management class and have seen a psychologist. I have learned a lot since then and feel overwhelming remorse for what I have done.

I want to apologize to her, but there is a restraining order in effect. I feel so guilty. Any suggestions? -- DISTRAUGHT IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: In your case, guilt is good. It means you have a conscience. Do not, under any circumstances, try to contact your former girlfriend until you have successfully completed the anger management course and the therapy. Because there is a restraining order in place, any move you make in her direction will be construed as hostile and could land you in jail.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Shawn," and I have been having sex for three years. We are both seniors in college. My family is against sex before marriage, and I have told them that I am against it, too. I promised them that I wasn't having sex with Shawn.

Last week, my little sister, who is a freshman in high school, found my birth control pills in my car. She told my parents, and they asked me about it. I lied and told them they belonged to one of my friends.

Should I tell my parents the truth and just accept that we have different opinions, or continue to lie to them? -- CONFOUNDED IN SANTA BARBARA

DEAR CONFOUNDED: As a senior in college, I presume you are an adult. As an adult, you should be prepared to take responsibility for the decisions you make. Your parents are not stupid. Lying about your behavior is childish and, frankly, it is degrading to you and your relationship with Shawn. Therefore, you should tell your parents the truth, and apologize to them for lying.

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