DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old woman, married with two sons, 7 and 8. My husband of nine years and I try to set a good example and teach them the difference between right and wrong.

My mother is dating a man who has been married for many years. Mom and this married man have been "dating" for about four years. He says he's miserable and still married only because a divorce would lose him half his assets. I know there will come a day when our boys find out that "Grandpa" is married to someone else.

My husband and I have taught our children that marriage is a faithful and truthful act that only two people who love each other very much should engage in. We have also taught them that marriage is forever -- until death do us part. How do I answer the questions I know are going to follow?

Please don't tell me to let Grandma tell them the story. Her take on the situation may warp our kids' sense of marriage. I refuse to lie to my sons, but I don't want them to look at Grandma as a horrible person, either. Any suggestions? -- DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY

DEAR DON'T KNOW: First of all, your sons should not be calling your mother's boyfriend "Grandpa," because he isn't their grandfather. And Grandma isn't a "horrible" person; she is someone who has allowed herself to become the "side dish" of a man who values his money more than he values her.

If asked, tell your sons that you do not approve, but that Grandma is a big girl -- and this is the decision she has made.

DEAR ABBY: I was in an abusive relationship for about a year before I was finally arrested last summer for domestic violence. Since then I have enrolled in anger management class and have seen a psychologist. I have learned a lot since then and feel overwhelming remorse for what I have done.

I want to apologize to her, but there is a restraining order in effect. I feel so guilty. Any suggestions? -- DISTRAUGHT IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: In your case, guilt is good. It means you have a conscience. Do not, under any circumstances, try to contact your former girlfriend until you have successfully completed the anger management course and the therapy. Because there is a restraining order in place, any move you make in her direction will be construed as hostile and could land you in jail.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Shawn," and I have been having sex for three years. We are both seniors in college. My family is against sex before marriage, and I have told them that I am against it, too. I promised them that I wasn't having sex with Shawn.

Last week, my little sister, who is a freshman in high school, found my birth control pills in my car. She told my parents, and they asked me about it. I lied and told them they belonged to one of my friends.

Should I tell my parents the truth and just accept that we have different opinions, or continue to lie to them? -- CONFOUNDED IN SANTA BARBARA

DEAR CONFOUNDED: As a senior in college, I presume you are an adult. As an adult, you should be prepared to take responsibility for the decisions you make. Your parents are not stupid. Lying about your behavior is childish and, frankly, it is degrading to you and your relationship with Shawn. Therefore, you should tell your parents the truth, and apologize to them for lying.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: You advised the 16-year-old girl who said she had been "replaced" by her mother's dogs that you could guarantee that her mom loved her and her brother more than the dogs. Don't be so sure! When I first met my husband, one of the first things he told me was that the only family member that received any attention from his parents was their dog. I laughed, thinking it was funny, but it proved to be true.

This was an extremely dysfunctional family. Both parents ignored my husband and his brother and fawned over the dog. They took the dog for walks, special ice cream treats every week and rides in the car. They didn't even bother to attend my husband's college graduation. Over the years, we'd receive detailed letters about the dog's activities, but never once did they call to wish my husband "happy birthday." Both brothers needed years of psychotherapy.

After 33 years of marriage, my mother-in-law was finally widowed. After meeting the "love of her life," she confessed she had never loved her husband, never wanted kids and neither had he, and announced to her sons she would "no longer require them"!

Millions of people own dogs, and their children don't feel unloved and want to sit and cry. This young girl senses her mother doesn't care for her. We had a dog, and I KNEW my mom loved us more because she told us every night and spent time with us. This mom must not be doing that. -- WIFE IN SEATTLE

DEAR WIFE: Thank you for the wake-up call. I have to confess that I was surprised by some of the feedback I received regarding that letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Pets don't talk back, refuse to be helpful or ask for money. All they want is love and food. They don't ask where you've been and they're always happy when you come home. Their love is unconditional. -- PET LADY IN FLORIDA

DEAR ABBY: When my son started getting older, suddenly his mom became either invisible or an embarrassment to him. I heard from others what a charming young man he had become -- so nice and friendly -- but you'd never know it when he came home. I barely heard the sound of his voice unless he wanted me to iron a shirt for him, or he needed gas money. Then he would suddenly become very nice!

Maybe Mom is using the dogs to soothe the hurt of not being allowed into her children's lives. Maybe the dogs provide objects on which to focus the love that she desperately wants to shower on her children, but is unable to because that love is rebuffed. Obviously, the dogs fill some kind of void. -- MOM WHO'S BEEN THERE

DEAR ABBY: Besides owning three Labs, I am a volunteer parent for Labrador rescue here in Florida. One puppy is a lot of work; two are practically a full-time job. If only "Replaced by Dogs" would pitch in, help with training, walking, bathing, feeding and playing with the puppies, it would give her mom extra time to spend with her and her brother. She would also be spending quality time with her mom. -- LAB LOVER IN FLORIDA

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, my boss was called into the school counselor's office because her daughter had complained that her mother showed more love and attention to the dogs than to her. "Shelly" promised to shower both her children with the same love she showed her dogs. Needless to say, it lasted only two days before the children were tired of being hugged, kissed, and told "I love you" all day long! -- PATRICIA IN CUMMINGS, GA.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: When I was 16 I fell in love with the handsomest man I had ever seen. I'll call him "Todd." Apparently everyone else thought so, too. Todd loved the women and they loved him, and our relationship ended.

After many years we were reunited. We have been together for three years now. Todd has changed a lot since high school. His personality is every woman's dream now. He is thoughtful, considerate, and tells me he loves me every day. He has apologized repeatedly for his past.

The problem is, he's no longer as attractive as he used to be. Over the years he has neglected his body, teeth, skin and hair. He is a diesel mechanic, and his hands and fingernails are embedded with grease. We no longer look like we belong together, and I'm embarrassed to introduce him to friends. (They chuckle under their breath when they see him.)

My friends and I like to go to fancy places, and even when Todd is dressed up, he doesn't look right. Forgive me if this seems shallow. I have kept my youthful looks. I still wear a size 8, and no one can believe I have three grandchildren.

How do I deal with this? I love Todd. I love being with him and talking to him. But I can't seem to overcome these feelings. -- CONFUSED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR CONFUSED: Alcoholics Anonymous has something called the "Serenity Prayer." Commit it to memory, and use it as the need arises, because it can be a helpful tool for living:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE." (Italics are mine.)

If you really love Todd, it is within your power to "encourage" him to exercise and eat healthfully, to see a dentist and a barber regularly, and groom himself more carefully. If you love Todd, you will tell your friends that you do -- and if you still feel they look down on this thoughtful, considerate and affectionate man, you will cultivate friends who are more accepting.

DEAR ABBY: "Rita" and I first became close in junior high. We are both in our mid-20s and currently live about two hours apart. We spent many hours together as teens. However, her demanding nature did always grate on me.

One year, when we were living on opposite coasts, I sent Rita an expensive birthday gift and card, but forgot to call her until the next day. Instead of thanking me, she pouted and accused me of "not valuing our friendship."

A few months ago, Rita sent me an angry e-mail because I had made plans with my boyfriend for two nights during her week-long stay in my town. (She was here for the wedding of a couple I do not know.) I wrote her back, explaining that I love her, but I am now a busy woman and don't have time for her childish behavior. I told her she expects a degree of attention that I cannot give her. We haven't spoken since.

Recently Rita e-mailed me and invited me to lunch. I have not responded. I simply have no desire to see her, as I have not enjoyed our relationship for years. Do I owe Rita anything besides wishing her the best? Should I see her? -- FEELING GUILTY IN PALO ALTO

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: Because you have no desire to see her, politely refuse the invitation. Friendship is supposed to be mutual, and you are in no way obligated to continue this one. Sometimes people simply grow apart, and this appears to be the case with you and Rita.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)