DEAR ABBY: I am a 37-year-old married woman with a problem. My mother committed suicide when I was 18, and I have never dealt with my loss. The day after she died, my father bagged up all of her possessions and gave them to charity. I tried talking to him about her, but he told me she was "gone" and I had to move on. I guess I have just put my pain on the back burner all these years.

For the last five years or so, I have been sleepwalking and having horrible nightmares about my mother's death. My husband tells me I carry on conversations with him, but that I am not really "there." I also take baths when I'm technically asleep. On one occasion, I woke up behind the wheel of my truck in my garage. I don't know if I went out driving or not, but the thought terrifies me.

I am afraid I will hurt myself, or possibly others, in my zombie-like state. Any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated. -- OUT OF IT IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR OUT OF IT: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragic loss of your mother. The first thing you must do is ensure that your husband has the keys to your truck at bedtime.

Then, contact your physician and ask for a referral to a sleep disorder specialist for an evaluation. Some people experience the symptoms you have described as a side effect from certain sleep-aid medications. However, if you are not taking anything, you may have a treatable sleep disorder.

After that, ask your doctor to refer you to a licensed psychotherapist who can help you deal with the emotions you have kept buried all these years since your mother's death. Once your feelings are out in the open, you will be able to deal with them -- and discussing them with a professional will help you more quickly through the process.

DEAR ABBY: I have a good friend, "Cathy," whose 11-year-old son, "Evan," is a friend of my son, "Noah." Evan has always been a name-caller. He constantly uses words like "stupid," "idiot" and "butthead" when talking to my son, but Noah has always laughed it off or told him to cut it out.

Today Noah told me he no longer wants to play with Evan because Evan is such a name-caller. Evan's habit apparently doesn't bother Cathy, since Evan constantly calls his baby sister the same names, and Cathy doesn't seem to notice. She is, however, worried about Evan's socializing at school because no one seems to like him.

How do I approach her about this problem, and mention that her son's name-calling is the reason Noah doesn't want to be with him anymore -- and probably part of the reason Evan is not very popular at school -- without causing discord between us? -- PUZZLED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR PUZZLED: Arrange a private chat with your friend and tell her exactly what you have told me. Love may be blind, but she must be besotted to have allowed her son to verbally abuse his little sister and the other children around him for so long. This is as much her fault as it is her son's. Evan would be a much happier boy if she had curbed his behavior when it began. (I wonder if he watches too much television or is emulating his father ...)

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DEAR ABBY: Last night, on a popular television reality show, the host repeatedly addressed a 70-something-year-old participant as "young man." I have seen it many times before, of course -- young man, young lady, sweetie, dear, etc.

In my opinion, this borders on disrespect, regardless of the good intentions behind it. My parents actually stopped shopping at a local grocery store because the staff was always calling them "young people." They were embarrassed, and I don't blame them.

I know people are trying to be nice, but I wonder how many seniors feel the way my parents do. Can't people extend kindness without being patronizing? -- JENNY IN PASCO, WASH.

DEAR JENNY: Many people feel exactly as your parents do. You would think that people would be more sensitive, but many service personnel in their 20s, 30s, 40s and older make the same mistake. The way to combat it is to speak up when it happens, or, as your parents did, stop patronizing the establishment. (Nothing hits home like a sagging balance sheet.)

One woman I know told me recently how she handled it when a young server in his 20s called her "young lady" as he was taking her order. (She's 50.) Her reply: "Well, little man, I'll have the ..."

DEAR ABBY: I am due to have my third baby, delivered by the same doctor who delivered my first two children.

I know some women who, after the birth of their child, have sent flowers to the doctor's office as a thank-you. I also know some women who have given the flowers they received in the hospital as gifts to the nurses' station and delivering doctor.

Is it customary to send a thank-you to an obstetrician, or am I thanking them with my "business"? (And they are certainly paid handsomely for it!) Also, is passing along flowers received in the hospital a traditional thing to do, or is it cheap and tacky? -- EXPECTING IN LYONS, COLO.

DEAR EXPECTING: Leaving the bouquets is not tacky. Many patients leave them for hospital staff to enjoy after they are discharged. Some do it out of gratitude and generosity; others because they don't want the hassle of transporting the flowers.

You are under no obligation to send flowers to your doctor after the delivery. However, after three children, it would be a gracious gesture to write your doctor a note of appreciation for the way you have been treated during your pregnancies and deliveries. Money is no substitute in conveying that message.

DEAR ABBY: I am due to have my third baby, delivered by the same doctor who delivered my first two children.

I know some women who, after the birth of their child, have sent flowers to the doctor's office as a thank-you. I also know some women who have given the flowers they received in the hospital as gifts to the nurses' station and delivering doctor.

Is it customary to send a thank-you to an obstetrician, or am I thanking them with my "business"? (And they are certainly paid handsomely for it!) Also, is passing along flowers received in the hospital a traditional thing to do, or is it cheap and tacky? -- EXPECTING IN LYONS, COLO.

DEAR EXPECTING: Leaving the bouquets is not tacky. Many patients leave them for hospital staff to enjoy after they are discharged. Some do it out of gratitude and generosity; others because they don't want the hassle of transporting the flowers.

You are under no obligation to send flowers to your doctor after the delivery. However, after three children, it would be a gracious gesture to write your doctor a note of appreciation for the way you have been treated during your pregnancies and deliveries. Money is no substitute in conveying that message.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 36-year-old female. I have been dating this guy I'll call "Louie" for more than two years. He never told me he had anyone else. But one day he let it slip that he had been living with this woman, "Grace," for more than 10 years.

I'm not the type to break up a home. Had I known, I never would have dated him. By the time I found out, I was in love with Louie, and he said he felt the same about me.

I never knew exactly where Louie lived or had his home phone number, but I did have his cell phone number. Whenever I'd call, it was either turned off or he wouldn't answer. Finally, I called information and got his home number, but I have never used it.

Now, two years later, we have a child together. None of his family members know about our little girl. He says he does not want anyone to know right now -- especially Grace. He says she would leave him, take half his belongings and sue him for alimony.

He has given me less than $360 in child support since I gave birth. Louie says if I sue him for child support, things will get nasty. He says he will make my life a living hell. I hardly ever see him anymore. What is a woman supposed to do? I think he's afraid of Grace. I want to sue him for child support, and I have the papers filled out and sealed, but haven't mailed them yet for fear of what Louie might do. Please help me. -- CONFUSED IN TEXAS

DEAR CONFUSED: By now, I hope you realize that the father of your child is married. There were many flashing red lights in your romance with Louie -- the first ones being that you didn't know where he lived and his unwillingness to give you a working phone number. That's when you should have refused to become further involved.

I urge you to mail the papers you have filled out to the court TODAY. Do it for your little girl, because it's the only way her deadbeat father will meet his obligations to her. Do not be surprised when Louie pretends to be the injured party. During this entire time he has thought only about himself. Also, because he has threatened you, you need a lawyer to advise you. You may have to go to the police to make sure his threats are on record. It's a first step to getting a restraining order should you need one.

DEAR ABBY: For the last year I have been involved with a lovely woman who has been separated from her husband for two years. Although she seems to care a lot for me and my son, she has not yet accepted my proposal of marriage.

Her husband comes around several times a month to do work around the house and even balances her checkbook for her. They own several pieces of property together and both have good incomes.

I have expressed my concern about what is keeping her from going ahead with a divorce. She claims she's waiting for her husband to file -- and he's not ready yet! I say they're both hanging on to each other because neither of them is ready to move on with their lives. Should I wait? Or should I give up and hope to meet someone who is available for a nice guy who has a lot of love to share? -- PATIENT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR PATIENT: Your lady friend may be separated, but she sounds very married to me. If she were in love with you, she would have already gone ahead with her divorce. My advice to you is to move on. At the rate this romance is going, you could wait forever.

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