DEAR ABBY: I need your input. Young women today are wearing low-rise pants, short tops and thong underwear. While my wife and I were dining at a restaurant the other night, a woman was sitting with her back to us. She kept leaning forward over the table to talk to her date, and when she did, her top went farther up and her pants crept down, exposing the top 3 inches of her posterior -- with all that implies.

I didn't want to eat my dinner while looking at the great divide. My wife said to do nothing and not to look. Should I have tapped the woman on the shoulder and asked her not to bend over, or should I have asked the waiter to do something? Luckily, she and her date left before our main course was served. It's the second time this has happened. What do I do the third time? -- RICHARD IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR RICHARD: Since asking a waiter to throw a tablecloth over her is impractical, you should ask to be switched to another table if the view from where you are sitting is too distracting.

Frankly, I sympathize. My husband and I were having dinner at a restaurant in Beverly Hills about a year ago, when in walked a well-known rock musician and his much-younger ladyfriend who was also wearing low-rise pants. By the time their entree was served, we were taking bets as to whether they would slide all the way off! She seemed to be aware she had a problem, because she spent a lot of time trying to hoist them back up. The designers who have foisted them on young women as "fashionable" ought to be spanked.

DEAR ABBY: My father started molesting me when I was 13. Other family members and friends (both male and female) also molested me during and after the time my father molested me. I have had no contact with any of these people in more than 20 years -- especially my father.

Some of my family want me to reconcile with Dad, but I'm unwilling to do that right now. I was not his only victim. He was never punished in any way, and he has never apologized.

My counselor said that I might never reconcile with my father, which is fine with me. He has not been a part of my life for many years. I am comfortable with things the way they are, but some people just can't leave well enough alone. I could use some help with this decision. What do you think? -- RELUCTANT IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR RELUCTANT: You are paying good money to a therapist who has given you some excellent advice. My advice to you is to listen to your therapist and stop gathering opinions from others. Your reasons for avoiding your family are rock solid.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married in a small outdoor chapel in the hills in late July. Because of the risk of forest fires, no smoking is allowed on the grounds at all. (The guests must smoke inside their cars.)

Because quite a few of the guests are longtime smokers, I feel the need to address this issue with them. What would be the most polite way without upsetting anyone? -- WORRIED IN SIMI VALLEY, CALIF.

DEAR WORRIED: I assume you and your fiance are on speaking terms with everyone you're inviting to the wedding. You should deal with this by talking to them directly. If they are so badly addicted to tobacco that they can't forgo smoking outdoors in a fire area in the middle of summer, they should not attend the ceremony. All your lives could depend on it.

DEAR ABBY: After being single for several years, I met the man of my dreams. "Chet" was everything I was searching for. We have become very close, and I'd trust him with my life. For nearly a year our relationship has been bliss. Chet seems to be completely devoted to me.

He told me when we first met that his wife had died seven years ago from diabetes. He seemed upset at the memory of her loss, and I never pressed him for more details. He wears a lock of her hair braided to his, and I never really thought much about it.

Well, Chet took me "home" for the Easter holiday. Some things were casually said in passing, and his story began to unravel. After I got home I accessed public records and found in place of a death certificate, a judgment for divorce in 2001! I couldn't believe that Chet would lie to me. I felt such a deep connection to him.

When I confronted him about it, he told me that to him, she IS dead. He says he never looks back, only forward, and that he didn't want to discuss it further. When I brought up the trust issue, he said he had never cheated on me or been with another woman -- completely ignoring the fact he'd lied.

I could understand his wearing his deceased wife's hair -- but his divorced wife's? Now he says it isn't her hair; it's hair he bought and he likes the way it looks. Then why did he tell me it was his wife's hair? I want more than anything to get past this because we really are good together. Please help me. -- DAZED IN DENVER

DEAR DAZED: Your confusion is understandable, but for your own sake you must open your eyes and see clearly. The man you would trust with your life is someone who dwells in his own reality; he bends the truth for his own convenience. Your relationship may feel warm and cozy, but you can't believe a word the man says -- and my advice to you is to double-check EVERYTHING he has told you.

Your boyfriend appears to be a compulsive liar, and if you are wise, you will end the relationship before you get sucked in any further. You fell in love with the person he portrayed himself to be, but it's not who he really is at all.

DEAR ABBY: Our 24-year-old son was killed recently in an auto accident. We had long dreaded that his life might end like this. He had a history of many traffic tickets and a terrible driving record. He had totaled three vehicles in the last three years. The wreck that killed him was his fourth accident in three years.

We have discovered that our son's grandmother took out a large life insurance policy on him after the first accident. Thinking that his own grandmother would "bet" on his death has made our grief even harder to bear. At first, when we confronted her, she said she had taken out the policy to ensure his proper burial because we have no money. (My wife was diagnosed with cancer 3 1/2 years ago, and the treatment left us destitute.)

The policy is many times the cost of our son's funeral. When the funeral director asked my wife and me in the presence of other relatives (including his grandmother), if there was a life insurance policy to defray the expenses, I turned and looked at her. She didn't utter a word! We borrowed the money from my wife's brother.

We don't want a penny of this "blood money" for ourselves or our son's burial. But now our son's grandmother is acting very hostile to us. We feel she saw our son's bad driving record and thought she had a chance to profit from his death. Are we wrong? -- BROKENHEARTED PARENTS IN TEXAS

DEAR BROKENHEARTED: You have my sympathy not only for the loss of your son, but also the loss of your illusions about his grandmother. People who feel guilty often act hostile. Unless there is something you failed to mention in your letter, it appears you have assessed the grandmother's motives correctly.

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DEAR ABBY: In response to "Nicky," who is debating whether or not to move away to college, I have some thoughts I'd like to share:

I am 25, an only child who had never spent more than two weeks away from home. My first couple of months away at college were hard on both my parents and me, but all of us grew and matured. Because of the distance, I was able to return home only at Thanksgiving, Christmas and spring break. Being away made the homecomings that much sweeter. I'll never forget the hugs I got when I stepped off the plane that first Thanksgiving of my freshman year.

Any student seriously considering moving away from home should do so. While the experience isn't for everyone, those who can handle it will have the time of their lives. They will learn to be independent, strong, resourceful -- and social.

Please tell that student not to be afraid to fly. There's no feeling like it in the world. -- FLEDGLING WHO FLEW, SOUTH DAKOTA

DEAR FLEDGLING: You are sweet to encourage "Nicky" by sharing your college experience. Readers who commented on that letter each viewed it from a different perspective. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your answer to "Nicky" was off base! You said if her only concern was homesickness, to go for it. Our daughter, who couldn't wait to "leap from the nest," cried like a baby the day we moved her to her dorm, and she came home every weekend for several months. Thank goodness we were only two hours away! Nicky should stay close to home for at least the first semester and save herself possible grief and loss of tuition if things don't work out. The first year of college is hard enough without adding emotional upsets to the mix. -- A MOM IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I attended three different colleges, each for a different degree. If Nicky chooses to go to Tampa, she should remember that she's not stuck there. I think she should start close to home, and if she still wants to make a big move in her sophomore or junior year -- when she's sure what she wants to major in -- then go for it. I commuted to school for two years, then transferred to a college farther away. It was hard the first semester away, but it got better, and I loved it. Also, if there's a local community college that costs less, start there -- but make sure the credits are transferable. -- ELIZABETH IN LEVITTOWN, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: At the end of your reply to "Nicky," you asked if the finances could be managed. There are many ways to finance college, including government financial aid and Pell grants that Nicky could qualify for. I now regret not attending my dream college right after high school.

Tell her to sit down with her school counselor and explore her options to go where her dreams are. With professional input she can make an educated choice, challenge herself, and fly like the wind! -- SHANNON IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR ABBY: Most universities have summer programs for students who have finished their junior year of high school. A summer session at the "dream college" this year, or next year after graduation, would let Nicky get a feel for the place. Four to six weeks is a good trial run, and far less expensive than enrolling and then transferring if things don't work out. -- FORMER TEACHER, MADISON, WIS.

DEAR ABBY: College is the time to try something new. As for not being able to visit home often -- get a campus job! That way, you don't have to ask your parents for money to come home; you can just DO it. -- ASHLEY IN NEW YORK CITY

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