DEAR ABBY: I'm a deputy sheriff. Last week, I was in a department store outside my jurisdiction and overheard a conversation between two of the clerks. One of them had her car broken into the night before, and several valuable items and her house key had been stolen. This woman said she didn't call the police because there was nothing they could do.

I identified myself as a deputy and told her she should contact her police department immediately for the following reasons:

(1) She was a victim of a crime. Her house key was taken by someone who had already demonstrated that he or she was a criminal. If the perpetrator came back and robbed her house, or worse yet, harmed her, the police would have more to go on to solve that crime. (I also advised her to have her locks changed immediately.)

(2) Her car may not have been the only one broken into. If a pattern was developing, the police could increase patrols in her area. But they couldn't know to do it if the incident went unreported.

(3) In the course of serving search warrants or making other arrests, we often find property that obviously doesn't belong to the suspect. (After all, who owns multiple TV sets, stereos, DVD players, digital cameras, etc.?) But if nobody reports a theft, we have no way of knowing whose property it is. Without that knowledge, we can't return property to its rightful owner, nor can we charge the suspect with additional crimes.

(4) Suspects often pawn what they steal. Our detectives regularly check pawn shops for items that have been reported stolen and can recover them for the owner as well as pay a visit to whoever sold them. Many crimes have been solved in this manner.

Please, Abby, urge your readers to report all crimes of which they are victims. Even if it appears the police are taking little action, they are, in fact, doing far more than is readily apparent. -- DEPUTY PETER N. SPAGNOLO, PAYETTE, IDAHO

DEAR DEPUTY SPAGNOLO: Your message is important, and I'm printing your letter as written with no editing. Although there is no guarantee that anyone won't become a crime victim, we do not have to take it in silence. As my third-grade teacher used to say, "The policeman is your friend." If we do not report a crime when one has been committed, then the bad guys have already won.

DEAR ABBY: I am 22 and the mother of four beautiful children, ages 3 and under. Recently, my husband confessed that he's had several affairs while I was pregnant with our last daughter. I thought I could get over it, but it's difficult because he gave me an STD.

He thinks I should forgive him and forget it. We are separated now because of this, and he wants to come home. I keep saying no because he hurt me so badly. I have started divorce proceedings, but some of my family think it's a mistake. They think because we have four kids that I need to try to work things out with him.

I know I'll never be able to trust him again or forgive him. Every flare-up is a reminder. What would you do if you were me? -- STAY OR LEAVE IN MISSOURI

DEAR STAY OR LEAVE: I'd shelve the divorce for a while and see if intensive marriage counseling could help to overcome your anger and disappointment. Please understand that other couples have made it past a crisis like the one you are experiencing. Your husband made a huge mistake, but he obviously wants to make amends. Only if counseling didn't work would I end the marriage.

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DEAR ABBY: My heart is pounding and I'm at my wit's end. This situation is difficult to explain. I'm afraid that other readers may be facing the same horror that I'm dealing with, so please advise us on how to handle an extremely delicate situation.

My husband has it in his head to do genetic testing for "genealogy" purposes. It isn't cheap. One of the places he wants testing from charges a couple of hundred dollars. He has asked me to have it done, too. I told him I wasn't interested and I thought it was too expensive.

Now he wants to have our 17-year-old son tested. I have argued that our son should not have his DNA on record anywhere, that he really needs both parents to give consent for testing, and it costs too much.

The horror I really have is that, 18 years ago, I made an awful mistake. I don't know if my husband is the father of our son. I'm having panic attacks about his finding out how awful I was 18 years ago.

Can you issue advice that these DNA tests should not be used on minor children, and that there are powerful reasons why not? Can you think of any other reasons I can give for not having him tested so I can convince my husband to drop the idea? Please don't reveal where we live. You can say it's Minnesota. -- IN A PANIC!

DEAR IN A PANIC!: Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. (And no, I didn't coin the phrase.)

Although you have my sympathy, I think it takes a lot of gall to ask me to lie in my column. I cannot come up with a reason why your son should not be tested because there are reasons why everyone should be -- particularly before having children. (Two of them are Tay-Sachs and sickle-cell anemia.) I have news for you. Your husband already has his suspicions about whether he fathered the boy. That's why he's determined to have him tested. If I were you, I'd take a few deep breaths and come clean before the guano hits the fan -- and that's the best advice I can offer. Confession is good for the soul.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a committed relationship for five years with a woman who disagrees with me about something and won't let the subject drop. Several years ago, I put my family home on the market. I accepted an early offer. My partner told me I was "naive" and selling the house for too little. I took her advice and pulled out of the deal.

A couple of months later, I sold the house for $80,000 more than the previous offer. My partner says I owe her the $80,000 because she "earned" it for me.

Although she says she would not have accepted such an offer from me, she feels I should've offered to give her that amount. I believe if she had my best interests at heart, to say nothing of the interests of our relationship, she would never have even thought such a thing. What is your take on this? -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN FLORIDA

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: It appears you have partnered up with a greedy woman. Not only was it wrong of her to think of such a thing, it is wrong of her to keep harping on it. Of course she would have taken the money if you had offered it. From my perspective, all you "owe" her is a heartfelt thank-you.

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DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Hurt and Sad in Trenton," whose wife slept with a married man before they were married, stunk.

"Hurt's" wife should have said right from the start: "This is who I am; this is where I've been. Take me as I am or let's go our separate ways." If she'd been honest, he'd have no cause to complain.

Reflecting back on years spent in ignorance turns happy marriages bitter, as one realizes one was played for a fool. Suddenly the "innocent" nights out of old assume an ominous character. Is it not better to risk a relationship at the beginning by telling the truth, than to risk its implosion years later when the truth will come out?

"Hurt" deserved sympathy, not an attack. His wife betrayed his trust, not with sex before she met him, but with lies afterward. -- NORTH OF TRENTON

DEAR NORTH OF TRENTON: I did not "attack" the writer of that letter. I advised him to stop the name-calling and get religious and psychological counseling -- although I may have made a few other points along the way. Perhaps you would like to sample the reactions of other male readers to that letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The man who wrote that letter is an idiot. You were right to tell him his wife deserves better. His lofty ideals seem to take precedence over all else, and his comments do not portend a bright future for them.

To paraphrase your words: The place for a good wife (or husband) is neither on a pedestal nor in the gutter. It's on a comfy sofa, each with an arm around the other -- cuddling and secure in the knowledge of the love they share. -- GARY IN WORCESTER, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: I, too, have been married 15 years. We also have two children. I, too, recently learned about my wife having an affair with a married man, but it happened during the last year or so. I never strayed -- not once. She betrayed my love for her, and I'm a train wreck. "Hurt and Sad" should walk in my shoes. He was by no means betrayed by something that happened before he knew his wife. Unlike mine, his wife has honored her marriage vows.

The problem in their marriage is his Middle Ages attitude that regards women as chattel. His wife is not a used car. He needs a therapist, badly, and I happen to know a good one who is helping me through the toughest time of my life. Oh, and since I live only one town away from him, tell "Hurt and Sad" that if he's tossing his "slut" into the "gutter," let me know where and when. I'd be more than happy to embrace his "dirty laundry." She sounds like just the person I'm searching for to restore my trust. -- DEVASTATED IN PRINCETON, N.J.

DEAR ABBY: It seems to me that "Hurt and Sad" is looking for a way out, a justifiable excuse to prove to his Catholic family and friends that divorce was "unavoidable." He says he'll stay for the children, but peppers her with accusations. Maybe he's hoping she'll be verbally abused into filing for divorce so he will be off the hook.

He needs to stop hiding behind the church and start following all of the Catholic faith, not just those beliefs he agrees with. Her sins are only to be resolved between her and her God. She does not need her husband's "almighty" grace. If he's as perfect as he insinuates, I'll be the first to nominate him for sainthood. -- VIC IN DALLAS

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