DEAR ABBY: My young son and his wife split up nine months ago. "Paige" had a troubled past and unfortunate parenting. We took her in while they were dating -- Paige had just turned 18 -- and my husband and I finished parenting her.

Abby, Paige cheated on our son, began drinking and using drugs, and broke up another man's family. There were three children involved, and it was ugly. Our son was willing to go to marriage counseling -- Paige refused. Since then, she has lost a good job and begun stripping, leaving our son deeply in debt because of her spending.

My son has begun rebuilding his life. He got a couple of roommates so he could hold onto his little home, and I know he is better off without her. I, however, am having a hard time. I loved -- and love -- Paige like she was my own child. I miss her spirit and her goodness, which was misplaced because of the drugs and alcohol. My son wants absolutely nothing more to do with her, but what do I do about MY pain? She called us last month, and my husband just about hung up on her. I don't want to disrespect my son's wishes, but I'm torn. Is this normal? -- FUTURE EX-MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR FUTURE EX-M.I.L.: Considering that you welcomed Paige into your home and she became like a daughter to you, I'd say your feelings are normal. You are grieving for the child you "lost" and for the relationship that "might" have been.

Because your son has decided to go on with his life without this troubled young woman, my advice to you is to let him do that. You can't "save" your former daughter-in-law; only she can do that. In the meantime, get counseling if you need to, to help you through this difficult period. The pain will pass with time. Trust me on that.

DEAR ABBY: At several parties I have attended recently, other guests have felt it appropriate to bring their dogs with them. Occasionally they compare their dog with their child, saying that other people brought their "kids," so they did too. However, if someone's human child sniffed the crotches of, jumped up on, licked and shed on or wiped dirt on the clothing of other guests, they would obviously be unwelcome at the party.

I'm not alone in feeling this way -- often the hosts do, too. Whenever anyone has hinted at not being a dog lover, they have been instantly labeled an "animal hater," a crime likened by many to be equal to animal abuse.

I have seen this occur throughout the United States and in American communities abroad, in a wide variety of social circles and classes, so I'm writing to you in hopes that you will spread the word. When attending a party at a dog-free home, the other guests expect -- and deserve, in my humble opinion -- the party to be dog-free as well. -- MR. "C" AT A MILITARY BASE IN ITALY

DEAR MR. C: It is my "humble opinion" that no one should bring an animal to anyone's home unless permission has first been sought from, and granted by, the hosts. And an excellent way to keep from being jumped on, licked and "sniffed" by an animal is to sprinkle a dash of cayenne pepper on one's clothing.

For the record, I am an animal lover -- but it's far easier to love an animal that has been taught good manners than one that hasn't. (And the same goes for children.)

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently moved into our first house after five years of apartment living. We love our new home and have just unpacked the last box and settled in.

There has been just one bone of contention in our otherwise happy living situation. I have 15 to 20 small- to medium-sized stuffed animals that I enjoy having around. My husband insists they not be visible at all in our home. He says it looks like I haven't grown up and am living in the past. He's embarrassed to have any visitors see them.

Abby, I don't want to display these toys in the living room. They are upstairs in my personal space. Your opinion, please. -- UPSET IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR UPSET: A compromise is in order. Corral the animals and keep them in a display cabinet in your "personal space." That way your husband won't be crowded with dust-catchers, and you can have your sentimental keepsakes close by.

P.S. It would be interesting to know how you came by all those stuffed animals. If they were gifts from your husband, he has no right to complain. If they were gifts from old boyfriends, however, he may have a valid point.

DEAR ABBY: I am an avid reader -- a true book lover. Sometimes I like to share my favorite books with friends. Right now, I have loaned out about 20 books to various people. I am sure I placed a name and address in each one to be sure I would get it back.

It has been almost two years, Abby, and the books have not been returned.

When you loan someone a book, it's because you really enjoyed it. You may want to read it again or pass it on to others. I don't know how people can be so neglectful about returning things that don't belong to them.

If you print this, it may jog the memories of the guilty people who have borrowed items and don't think they have to return them. I'm sure others feel as I do -- that if you lend something out, it does not give the person the right to keep it indefinitely. -- BOOK LOVER IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR BOOK LOVER: I'm printing your letter, but please don't count on the guilty repenting of their sins of omission. In the future, I strongly recommend that you keep a list of the books you loan out, the dates they were loaned, and the names of the borrowers. That way you can call and ask to have your property returned. I'm sad to say that many people simply do not respect the property of others the way they do their own.

DEAR ABBY: How does one respectfully decline being included in a will which your mother holds over you? I would like not to be included, but I would also like to come across as sincere and respectful without causing more animosity. -- WANTS TO OPT OUT IN COLORADO

DEAR WANTS TO OPT OUT: Write your mother a love letter. List the good things she has done for you in your life, and your gratitude for the lessons she has taught you. At the end, state: "You have mentioned many times the fact that you have included me in your will. However, because you have already given me so much, I respectfully ask that you leave your estate to other family and friends who need it."

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married just short of one year and are expecting our first child in about four months. Our marriage is a good one. We communicate well and love each other. There is one area, however, that continues to be problematic.

I have been a youth basketball coach for three years. I was a coach before I met my wife and throughout our courtship. I have coached the same group of players, many of whose parents attribute their higher grades and better teamwork to their participation in the sport.

My wife insists that I quit coaching these 11-year-olds once the baby arrives. Practice takes me away from home two hours, one night a week, and the games are two hours once a week. I don't think that's a lot because I'm home all of the other "free time."

I love my wife and the fact that we will be parents. I don't think I'm asking too much when I tell her I'd like to continue coaching. I get a lot out of the experience and, honestly, I need some time to myself each week. Am I unreasonable or selfish in expecting her to support my coaching? I love her and she loves me -- but I love coaching, too. I think it makes a huge difference in the lives of my team members. -- IN FOUL TROUBLE

DEAR IN TROUBLE: Your wife may be a little insecure about her ability to handle motherhood. She needs you to acknowledge her feelings right now. Four hours of personal time a week may not seem too much to ask for. However, it might be better if you took a short leave of absence until the baby is on a regular schedule.

I sincerely hope you'll return to coaching youth basketball in the future because you are doing a wonderful thing for those boys, and it's something they will carry with them for the rest of their lives.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for two years. His ex-wife interjects herself into situations, such as visiting him in the hospital, and while there, attempts to run the show by questioning staff, etc. This makes me and my husband very uncomfortable.

How should I handle this? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN KNOXVILLE

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: The first thing to do is discuss the matter with your husband's physician. Next, bring it to the attention of the nursing supervisor on your husband's floor. Because of privacy issues, your husband's former wife is no longer entitled to the information she is demanding. Nor would she be able to visit your husband if his doctor ordered "No Visitors."

DEAR ABBY: When placing your wedding rings on your finger, which one goes first? Would it be the diamond engagement ring, because it goes closer to the heart, or would it be the band? -- KAREN IN GEORGIA

DEAR KAREN: Here's an easy way to remember: The wedding band goes closest to the heart. The diamond ring goes closest to the wallet.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY IRISH FRIENDS:

May you always have

A sunbeam to warm you

Good luck to charm you

And a sheltering angel so nothing can harm you

Laughter to cheer you

Faithful friends near you

And whenever you pray, heaven to hear you.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)