DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Dave," and I have known each other for 35 years, since kindergarten. Ten years ago, he married a woman from a wealthy family. It was the best and worst thing that ever happened to him. Ever since the wedding, Dave has lost touch with his old friends from the past. He talks down to everyone who is less successful than he is. I don't think he's even aware that he's doing it.

I have tried to talk to him about it in a nonconfrontational way with no luck. Most of my problems are financial, and Dave is no longer able to relate. I no longer enjoy having lunch with him because all he ever talks about is how well he's doing in the stock market. Every time we get together it's the same conversation.

I have invited him to go fishing, sailing, skeet shooting -- even over for a bonfire I throw every year. The only activity Dave ever wants to do is play golf, which I tried for five years and still don't enjoy. My friend seems to have lost all interest in anything beyond golf and money.

Dave says he has "grown" -- but I think he has shrunk and has become an arrogant elitist. Should I give up on this friendship? -- UP TO HERE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR UP TO HERE: Yes. Frankly, I'm surprised the "friendship" has lasted as long as it has. If you need my permission to move on, you have it. It doesn't have to be confrontational. Sometimes people just grow apart.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Amelia," died giving birth to her baby girl, "Alexis." My ex-husband and his new wife adopted Alexis. None of us wants to ignore the memory of Amelia being "Mommy," and they want Alexis to know about her "real mother," but we're not sure how Alexis should address my ex-husband's wife.

Would it be appropriate for Alexis to call her "Mom" or "Mommy," and refer to Amelia as "Mother"? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. -- CONFUSED GRANDMA IN ARIZONA

DEAR GRANDMA: Please accept my sympathy for the untimely loss of your daughter. Because Alexis will never know her birth mother, she will regard the step-grandparent who's raising her as her "Mom" or "Mommy," and that's normal. Eventually, when Alexis is old enough to understand, she should be told of her birth mother, "Mommy Amelia," who went to heaven but loved her very much.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married nine years. "Marianne" and I have two wonderful boys and a terrific relationship -- except for one thing, lousy sex. In therapy, Marianne has confessed to me that she is not turned on by me and that there is nothing I can do to change it -- I am just "not her type." (I am an attractive man, but she married me for my personality.) Needless to say, I am very hurt.

Before her confession, I thought Marianne was just not very sexual. Now it turns out that she is, just not with me. What do I do? -- CRUSHED IN CEDAR FALLS, IOWA

DEAR CRUSHED: It appears that your terrific relationship is based more on a platonic attraction than a physical one as far as your wife is concerned. If that's enough for you, accept the status quo. If it's not, however, an amicable divorce might make the both of you happier.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married nine years. "Marianne" and I have two wonderful boys and a terrific relationship -- except for one thing, lousy sex. In therapy, Marianne has confessed to me that she is not turned on by me and that there is nothing I can do to change it -- I am just "not her type." (I am an attractive man, but she married me for my personality.) Needless to say, I am very hurt.

Before her confession, I thought Marianne was just not very sexual. Now it turns out that she is, just not with me. What do I do? -- CRUSHED IN CEDAR FALLS, IOWA

DEAR CRUSHED: It appears that your terrific relationship is based more on a platonic attraction than a physical one as far as your wife is concerned. If that's enough for you, accept the status quo. If it's not, however, an amicable divorce might make the both of you happier.

DEAR ABBY: My 53-year-old husband insists on raising the window shade and turning on the light when he takes a bath and when he washes up in the morning. He strips naked to brush his teeth and wash his face while standing 4 feet from the window. The window is large, and it starts just above the bathtub.

I have asked him not to do it because I don't think it's appropriate. I have told him he will be regarded as the "weird old man" in the neighborhood. When I told him the situation bothered me, he stopped for a few weeks. Now he's at it again.

Our yard is large and open, so there's an opportunity for the neighbors to see what's going on. How do I get him to stop? Or should I just let him continue and try to get over it? -- WANTS LESS SOUTHERN EXPOSURE IN MINNESOTA

DEAR WANTS LESS: Your husband isn't "going" to be regarded as a "weird old man" in the neighborhood –- he's already there. That you told him it bothered you and he felt compelled to start again indicates to me that he gets a thrill out of exposing himself in situations where he could get caught.

Because he's in his own home, I don't think he's breaking any laws. However, rather than argue over it, I have a suggestion: Contact a window company and have the bottom half of the bathroom window "frosted." That way, your husband can parade around the way nature made him, and if anyone happens by, there won't be any embarrassment.

DEAR ABBY: I run a small day-care business out of my house. I watch only the children of relatives or friends.

One of my friends wants me to start watching her young daughter, "Sierra," who will turn 6 this summer. The problem is Sierra is terrified of animals, large and small. We have a dog, three cats and a guinea pig. Sierra refuses to even get out of the car and stand in my yard. I think they should find day care elsewhere. They, however, keep insisting that Sierra will be "just fine" and that she understands that, come summer, she'll have to come to my house.

Abby, I think it's cruel and insensitive of them to expect Sierra to "get over it" just like that. I have asked them to start asking Sierra to get out of the car and slowly work her way up to coming in before summer starts, but they just laugh and shrug it off. Please help me make them understand without my having to come right down and refuse to take the child. I'm afraid I'll lose friends over this. -- "MARY POPPINS" IN KENTUCKY

DEAR MARY P.: I believe it was your namesake who coined the phrase, "A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down." Because your concerns are realistic, sweetly tell your friends that you have instituted an "entrance exam." Unless they can prove to you that their daughter can get out of the car, enter your house and interact with the other children, you cannot accept her. They are doing her -– and you -- a disservice by ignoring her animal phobia. Their child may need professional help to get over it. Say it with a smile, but for everyone's sake make the statement.

For the parents to pretend that their daughter's terror of animals will vanish with no intervention on anyone's part is not only unrealistic, it's unfair to their daughter, to you, and to the other children in your care. If they're unwilling to take action, they are not "friends." They are just poor parents who are trying to unload their problem onto you.

DEAR ABBY: I have never written you before, but the letter you printed from "Dismayed Grandmother" in Laredo, Texas, brought back memories. I couldn't have been more than 8, and it was my father's birthday. There were flowers on his birthday cake, and he said to me, "Smell the flowers. Go ahead, smell the flowers!" I hesitated, but he insisted, so I bent over the cake to smell the flowers and he pushed my face into the frosting.

I am now 72, and I still remember how it felt to be deceived and humiliated by my father. Other people in the room may have been laughing, but I wasn't. My father thought he was being funny. Instead, he lost his daughter's love and trust that day. -- WISHES HE HADN'T IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR WISHES HE HADN'T: As I said in my reply to "Dismayed Grandmother," I have never found humor at the expense of others to be funny. In fact, I consider it cruel, hostile, and a form of bullying. That a parent would tolerate, much less participate in, the humiliation of his or her child is an appalling breach of trust. Your reaction proves the truth of my statement.

Read on, because the letter to which you referred brought in some interesting mail.

DEAR ABBY: The same thing happened to me. The person who did it was my former father-in-law. He thought it was the funniest thing he had ever seen. Surprisingly, however, when HIS birthday rolled around, it wasn't so funny anymore. Imagine that! -- LAWRENCE IN QUEEN CREEK, ARIZ.

DEAR ABBY: You missed the boat on the face-in-the-birthday-cake letter. Here in Mexico it is common -- nay, usual -- for the birthday boy or girl (or man or woman) to have his or her face pushed into the cake. After the candles are blown out, the birthday person is supposed to take a little bite of the cake with his or her mouth -- not using any utensils -- for good luck. It is usually when the person's face is near the cake that someone standing behind him or her pushes their face into it.

I assume that's what happened at the party the grandmother attended, since it was from Laredo, Texas, which is on the border with Mexico. I personally do not enjoy being pushed into the cake (as I have been on several occasions), and yes, some kids do cry when it happens. But it's all done in fun, and I believe it's important to be a good sport about it.

Whether this tradition should or should not be continued is debatable -- but frankly, you are not the one who should be debating (or criticizing) it. When you referred to this custom as a form of "bullying," you were speaking from a U.S. cultural perspective. You and the letter writer may have been "aghast" out of cultural ignorance -- just as people from other countries might consider the "pinching" (ow!) that happens on St. Patrick's Day in the United States to be physical abuse. -- ROBIN IN MEXICO CITY

DEAR ABBY: Birthday parties shouldn't involve tears, and it's a shame that the boy's celebration was spoiled by this tradition. The hosts of the party should have better prepared the child for the event.

I was introduced to that birthday tradition while living and teaching in northern Mexico. It shocked me the first time it happened, but students explained that, for many children, it's an eagerly anticipated part of their birthday celebration. -- AMY IN CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)