DEAR ABBY: My 3-year-old son has been attending a day-care center that is run by my best friend, "Annika." While Annika was out of town attending a funeral, one of her staff members kicked my son in the head because he was "in her way." When I questioned the teacher, she smirked about it and didn't deny it.

I wanted the matter addressed immediately. I called our state licensing division to have the matter investigated. The following week, when Annika returned, she advised me that child care for my son would be terminated in two days. The teacher received a simple write-up.

Annika said I didn't give her the chance to correct the problem with the teacher before calling the state. I am livid that she took it personally when I tried to protect my child. I didn't do it to get her in trouble.

Annika was to be my maid of honor next September, and the thought of it makes me ill. I have no desire to see my former best friend, and she lives across the street from me. This all happened last week. Should I give it time, or stand my ground? Am I overreacting about this or should I reconcile? My decision will be based on your reply. -- OVERWHELMED IN TEXAS

DEAR OVERWHELMED: Your call to the state licensing board was premature. Although I understand your outrage as a protective parent, everyone might have been better served had you withdrawn your child from the day-care center until Annika returned, and not jumped the gun. Frankly, you are lucky to have your son out of there. The teacher, who appears poorly suited for her job, should have been dismissed instead of reprimanded.

Only you can decide whether or not to reconcile with your best friend. Because Annika lives across the street, I see no point in trying to avoid her. However, you both might be happier if you asked someone else to be your maid of honor.

DEAR ABBY: Seven years ago, I became close friends with "Anthony" and his wife, "Erika." Erika died unexpectedly, leaving behind her husband and two children, "Heidi" and "Dustin." Heidi and I became very close, and she began looking up to me as a mother figure.

Seven months ago, Heidi found out she was pregnant. She is still in school. The baby's father left her. She asked me to be with her when the baby is born.

A few months ago, Anthony started seeing someone. His girlfriend is very jealous of my friendship with him and the fact that his daughter looks up to me. Heidi and the girlfriend don't really get along. Heidi asked me again if I would go with her when she goes into labor and I told her yes.

Should I honor Heidi's wishes and be there with her, or should I stay away until after the baby is born? I don't want to hurt anyone. -- FRIEND IN OHIO

DEAR FRIEND: Of course you should honor Heidi's wishes and be there for her. She is probably nervous and frightened about the delivery, and you would be a comfort to her. If the girlfriend doesn't like it, that will be her problem. Please don't make it yours.

DEAR ABBY: If I go to a buffet restaurant, how much of a tip should I leave at the table? I want to do it right. My friends have told me that because this is a kind of "self-serve" restaurant, we can leave whatever amount we like. I am ... CONFUSED IN WESTMINSTER, CALIF.

DEAR CONFUSED: If you want to "do it right," leave 10 percent.

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DEAR ABBY: I was visiting my friend, "Carla," last week and arrived a little early on our way to go shopping. While I was waiting for her to dress, I noticed some photographs on her kitchen counter. I browsed through them and was shocked to see they were pictures of Carla and her husband, "Cesare," naked, in various positions and stages.

Cesare has always flirted with me. He has even suggested on a couple of occasions that he'd like to take me out. Of course, I deflected his advances.

But now, after seeing these pictures, I am torn. Cesare is extremely "manly." My husband is a kind and gentle person, but he has nothing close to what Cesare has to offer. Now, whenever I see Carla's husband, I flash back to those pictures and can't help fantasizing about what it would be like to be with him. This has begun to affect my sex life with my husband. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it.

Should I tell Carla I saw the pictures? Should I tell her that Cesare has been coming on to me? Help! -- TEMPTED IN CAROLINA

DEAR TEMPTED: I see nothing to be gained by telling your friend you saw the pictures, nor do I think it would help the situation to tell her that her husband has been coming on to you. The fantasy in which you are indulging is a common one, but let's get real here -- not all daydreams make for a pleasant reality. My advice is to snap out of it and find something else to occupy your mind, because from my perspective, it seems you have too much time on your hands.

DEAR ABBY: When I was 7 or 8, I was molested by a friend of the family -- but my real problem is my mother. After the incident, I had nightmares and wanted my mother to sleep with me. One morning I woke up and felt her touching me where I shouldn't be touched. I didn't know what to do, so I moved away from her. It happened three more times, until I finally asked her to stop sleeping with me.

I am now 14, and about to become an aunt. I'm afraid of what my mother might do to the baby. I'm afraid to say anything because I don't think anyone will believe me. (After the incidents I became distant to Mother and we don't get along.)

What should I do about this, and what would make her do such a thing to her own daughter, knowing I was already trying to get over having been molested? -- SCARED IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR SCARED: Your mother is sick. Your concerns about the baby are justified, and you have kept this secret too long. Please tell the parents-to-be so they can protect their little one from your mother. Because you are afraid you may not be believed, start out this way: "You may have wondered why I don't get along with Mother. This is the reason -- and I'm worried about the safety of your baby."

Your mother may have been molested herself, or she may simply have touched you out of some warped sense of power. She should never be alone with any child who is too small to fight her off. Please discuss this with a trusted teacher or counselor at school, so you can receive professional counseling regarding your multiple molestations. You have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 10 years recently left me for another woman. My mother-in-law e-mailed me today telling me to return all of the gifts given to us for anniversaries and Christmas for the past 10 years. I am hurt beyond words.

What would be the best way to respond to her e-mails? -- STEWING IN SEATTLE

DEAR STEWING: There are times when silence speaks volumes. The strongest message you could send this woman would be to ignore her outrageous e-mail.

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DEAR ABBY: Being a pastor of a church, I had to respond to the letter from "Hates Hypocrites in Washington." She's the woman who discovered that the new associate pastor's wife, "Millie," is the same woman who broke up her marriage, in addition to having had a "history," so to speak.

The senior pastor is probably aware of at least some of what she wrote about -- that Millie has had two previous marriages, countless affairs and did time in prison for drugs. However, on the off chance that he doesn't, "Hates Hypocrites" should say something.

As you suggested, she needs to introduce herself to the woman in question: Millie's reaction will give her a pretty good idea of whether she has had a change of heart in recent years. If Millie hasn't, then the writer needs to go quietly to the pastor, approaching it from the standpoint of, "I hope Millie has turned over a new leaf since all of this, but you need to know that ..."

I have seen firsthand what can happen when not enough questions are asked when a staff person comes into a church. While I hope and pray that Millie has learned from her mistakes, that may not be the case. -- REV. CHET THOMAS, DAWSON, GA.

DEAR REV. THOMAS: Although I am reluctant to see anyone "carry tales" that could ruin a career -- specifically the associate pastor's -- I bow to your expertise. You are not the only clergyperson who weighed in on this one. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am an ordained minister and pastoral counselor. While it's traditional in many churches, simply being a pastor's spouse in no way qualifies someone to teach marriage classes any more than being a doctor's wife qualifies her to teach CPR. That she knows firsthand where the pitfalls are does not make one an expert on how others might form healthy relationships and avoid adultery, drugs, prison, etc.

Whether or not this pastor's wife, "Millie," may have repented of her sin and amended her life, she is still responsible for her past behavior, and one of its consequences is that her credibility as an expert on marriage may rightfully be questioned. Nor should one assume that all pastors' marriages are exemplary. Since clergy families live highly public lives, whatever flaws this marriage has are on public display, and given Millie's past, one would assume there might be many that come to light.

The woman's real value to a marriage class could be as an example of one who has acknowledged her failing and changed her ways, and shows openness to learn from others who have had longer, more healthy relationships -- but not if she hides her past and pretends to be something she's not. -- MARY KRAHN, BEMUS POINT, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: If it is true that the new associate pastor's wife broke up the writer's marriage, and has a history of similarly disruptive behavior elsewhere, then the woman represents a potentially destructive force in that congregation. As a parish minister of nearly 30 years, I can see the red flags flying high on this one.

"Hates Hypocrites" should notify the appropriate denominational officials of whatever larger body this church is affiliated with and let them take whatever action they feel may be warranted. This is not about "Hates Hypocrites" getting revenge; it is about protecting the stability and well-being of the congregation. -- REV. STEPHEN EDINGTON, NASHUA, N.H.

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