DEAR ABBY: I have a 3-year-old daughter who has been going to a home day-care provider since she was an infant. The sitter is wonderful and I like the way she cares for my daughter. She doesn't speak English very well, but we have been able to communicate through her 12-year-old daughter, "Laurie."

The issue that I'm having is with her daughter. Laurie plays with the children a lot when she gets out of school in the afternoons. Lately, my daughter has been telling me that they play school and that Laurie is the "teacher." My daughter comes home devastated every day because Laurie tells her that she is getting failing grades and pretends to send her to the principal's office.

According to my daughter, none of the other kids have to do this. She also says that she has to eat her lunch alone for talking. I don't think the sitter realizes that this is going on. I have tried to talk to Laurie about it, but she denies doing it.

I'm afraid this will have a lasting effect on my child when she starts school. I don't want to change sitters, but I don't want to subject my daughter to this kind of behavior either. I need some help here. What should I do? -- MELODY IN HOUSTON

DEAR MELODY: The first thing you should do is find someone who speaks your day-care provider's language to help you to explain to the woman what her daughter has been doing. Your concerns are well-founded. It's possible that Laurie is mirroring what is going on with HER at school, and her mother should be made aware of it.

Second, please remove your daughter from this home day-care situation and find a licensed and accredited day-care center for her. There are things she should be learning to prepare her for school that she isn't being taught. A proper preschool education can give your child an important head start. As a responsible parent, it's up to you to see that she gets it.

DEAR ABBY: On New Year's Day, my stepdaughter and her husband dropped in unexpectedly. They live two miles away, and we see them frequently. After a very hectic Christmas, I had been looking forward to a quiet, relaxing day with my husband. I had not even showered when they arrived.

Even though I was uncomfortable not having showered, and in my pajamas, I made our surprise guests welcome. I offered breakfast and coffee and spent hours with them. After 1 p.m., I finally decided to shower and dress. I made a fresh pot of coffee and offered our guests more to eat. I took between 45 minutes and an hour to shower and dress. When I emerged, I offered more coffee and food. They finally left hours later.

A week later, my husband and I had a huge argument concerning how "rude" I was for having disappeared for almost an hour to shower and change. Abby, I did everything possible to make our uninvited guests feel welcome. Was I rude to abandon our guests for this selfish reason? Your input is much appreciated. -- CHERYL IN ILLINOIS

DEAR CHERYL: You were not rude to go and get cleaned up. The people who were rude were the "drop-ins" who didn't bother to call and arrange a convenient time before coming over. As to your husband's "snit," I think he was angry because he was left alone to entertain them for an hour. Too bad, so sad!

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DEAR ABBY: I am married to a man who cheated on me for 30 years. First there was a long-distance romance with my high school girlfriend that lasted 28 years. Then he had another affair with a woman from church. It went on for eight years that I know of.

He always accused me of being "evil" because I expressed concern about his fidelity. Of course, when I found solid evidence of his affairs, it was, "It's over," and "It'll never happen again," etc. But the affairs continued, and I didn't leave. I don't know why. Perhaps it's because I'm afraid of what's out there.

Is there something wrong with me? I know I'm "settling." But I am terrified of starting over. Everywhere I look, I don't see prospects that are any better. Are they ALL dogs? -- DEFLATED IN RALEIGH, N.C.

DEAR DEFLATED: Not all men are dogs, nor are they adulterers like the one you married. There are good men out there, but, like gold nuggets, it takes exploration to find them.

What you don't seem to appreciate is that there are worse things than being alone -- and one of them is the pain of having a husband who makes you feel you never measure up. You have paid a price for living with the evil you know rather than risking the unknown. If you do decide to divorce, you will need time to heal and rediscover yourself before you go prospecting for another mate, because the way you feel about yourself will dictate the kind of life partner you'll attract.

DEAR ABBY: I have a son, "Max," who is 1. At Christmas, we were at my sister-in-law "Babette's" home for dinner. Babette has a peek-a-poo dog that occasionally growls at her teenage kids.

Max kept trying to go over and see the dog. I kept telling him that the dog didn't want to play right now, and to leave him alone. (My sister, who frequently baby-sits Max, has three very friendly dogs.) Babette's dog growled at my son, so I asked her if we could put the dog elsewhere. She said, "No. He doesn't have a cage or anything."

I think she was rude because I don't think I was asking too much for her to put her dog in another room for a short period of time. What do you think? I'd like your opinion. -- PROTECTIVE MOTHER IN OHIO

DEAR PROTECTIVE: When a dog growls, that's the dog's way of saying, "Stay away!" Because your son was too young to understand this, and because your sister-in-law was unwilling to separate her dog from your child, you should have separated your child from her dog by cutting the dinner short and leaving.

DEAR ABBY: When I was a young teenager, I suffered sexual abuse at the hands of my brother, "Carl." I am now worried about his daughter.

My niece is now nearly the age I was when he committed this crime against me. Because I want to protect her, I want very badly to ask him if he would ever do that to his daughter. However, every time I start to ask, I stop myself because I don't want to rock the boat.

Would it be wrong or rude of me to ask him if he has ever touched his daughter the way he touched me? -- CONCERNED FOR HER SAFETY IN TEXAS

DEAR CONCERNED: It would be a mistake to ask, because if he is molesting his daughter, he would not be forthcoming about it. What you should do is discuss what happened to you with Carl's wife, so she can be on the lookout for any signs of sexual abuse in their daughter.

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DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law writes family newsletters that she sends to all her siblings and their spouses. All of the names of the sisters-in-law are listed at the top of the letters except for my name -- which is conspicuously absent.

If my husband and I were newlyweds, I'd assume that this lack of courtesy was an innocent oversight. However, we're rapidly approaching our 25th wedding anniversary, and we have been married longer than any of the other siblings.

When I complain to my husband, he says I'm making too much out of it. Should he say something to his sister on my behalf, or should we both continue pretending not to notice? For the record, my sister-in-law and I have always been friendly to each other.

Please, Abby, don't reveal my name or location. I don't want to create any friction in the family or be embarrassed any further. -- HURT IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR HURT: I can't help but wonder why it has taken you nearly a quarter of a century to ask this question. Your husband should have dealt with this matter years ago. However, because he has not, my advice to you is to pick up the phone and humorously ask your sister-in-law if she's finally ready to "accept you into the family." And when she asks why you're asking that question -- point out her omission.

DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law in another state insists on sending inappropriate gifts to our daughters. For example, he sent our oldest daughter an expensive doll on her first birthday. The doll was designed for children ages 3 and up. We thanked him for the gift and stored it away for later use, since we were unable to return it without incurring significant shipping charges.

For Christmas, my father-in-law sent our 10-day-old baby a similar gift from the same store. I hate to see him continue this pattern and waste money on dolls that a newborn won't be able to enjoy for three years. I feel my husband should speak to his father about choosing age-appropriate gifts. However, I don't want him to think my husband and I are ungrateful, so we are hesitant to mention the issue to him. Please advise what, if anything, we should do about these gifts. -- NOT UNGRATEFUL IN TAMPA

DEAR NOT UNGRATEFUL: Use the personal approach. Call your father-in-law and thank him for his thoughtfulness and generosity. Then explain that the beautiful dolls he has been sending cannot be given to your daughters yet. Tell him that not only could the children hurt the dolls, the dolls could come apart and hurt the children. Your father-in-law may be clueless that very young children need special cuddly toys that can't hurt or choke them if they should come apart. You'll be doing both him and your daughters a favor.

DEAR ABBY: Some close friends, "Mary" and "Bob," are in the midst of a bitter divorce. I like both of them and would like to remain friends with them -- but how can I comfort and support one of them without seeming like a traitor to the other one, and vice versa?

Mary has already chewed me out for even talking to Bob. What should I do? -- IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: As I see it, you have two choices -- speak to neither one until the divorce is final, or tell Mary that you are not community property and you have chosen to remain neutral because you care about them both. However, there is one caveat to the latter: If you refuse to side with Mary, she may interpret your "neutrality" as betrayal and dump YOU.

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