DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my mid-30s, recently divorced for the second time. I was married for 13 years.

Abby, my ex won't leave me alone. He calls me constantly, and if I won't talk to him, he starts threatening me. Hanging up on him doesn't work; it makes him that much angrier. He threatens to damage my vehicle, and says he has people watching my daughter when she goes out on the one night that she is allowed.

He will call and tell me where she went, who she was with and what time she came home. He has me watched, too. I don't go out except to work and to the grocery store. Calling the police is not an option because that will just make it even worse on me. Please help me. -- BEING WATCHED, BIRMINGHAM, ALA.

DEAR WATCHED: There is a name for the harassment you and your daughter are receiving. It's called STALKING. Although you may not be aware of it, there is a law against stalking in Alabama. After I read your letter, I contacted your chief of police and read it to her. She advises that you should document every incident -- which can include recording those threatening phone calls -- and file a police report.

I wish you had been more specific about the reason for your reluctance to inform the police. If you are frightened because your ex-husband is somehow connected to law enforcement, this crime should be reported to Internal Affairs so they can investigate the charges. The longer you remain silent, the longer his intimidation will continue.

DEAR ABBY: I married late, to a wonderful man I'll call "Juan." Our courtship was very brief. We are fine. My problem is his family.

Everyone was very cordial at first, but during a brief rough patch early on in our marriage, his family made it clear where the line was drawn -- me on one side, all of them on the other. (I have no immediate family of my own, just a couple of close girlfriends I consider to be "family.") Juan was caught in the middle.

Since then, we have come to an understanding regarding holidays, birthdays, etc. If I work the holiday, Juan spends it with his family. If not, he's home with me for the majority of it, but makes a short visit to them. (We live in the same town.) We split Juan's birthday. If someone from his family phones the house, I'm pleasant, but other than that we don't speak.

My question concerns my elderly mother-in-law. There's a language barrier, and she usually believes what anyone tells her, which early on was unflattering where I was concerned. Due to her advanced age, there will be a funeral I have to contend with at some point. I feel I should be there for Juan when the time comes, but I have absolutely no desire to be around any of the rest of his family. What should I do? -- JUAN'S WIFE

DEAR WIFE: When the time comes, take your cue from your husband. If he would like you to be there, then attend the funeral with him and be pleasant to his family. If he prefers to go alone, you'll be off the hook.

P.S. Between you and me, you should be prepared to go. When a man loses his mother, he usually wants the person closest to him to be near him -- and that should be you.

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DEAR ABBY: "Torn in Framingham, Mass." wrote that her mother suffers from an Alzheimer's-like dementia. Her personality has changed from polite and socially correct to losing the checks and balances that prevent her from saying whatever comes to mind. She went on to say that her mother sometimes acts up in public places -- like restaurants -- and asked how to explain the situation to the restaurant staff without embarrassing her mother.

I work as a server in an upscale restaurant. As a party was being led to my section recently, a woman from the party left the others and handed me a business card. She smiled and asked me to read it before coming to the table. I went to the server station and did so. It was printed with information about her spouse having Alzheimer's. It was tasteful and informative. Most important, she did not have to say anything in front of her husband that might upset him. I thought it was a great idea. I shared the card with our hostess and the cashier so that no misunderstanding could occur there, either. -- NANCY IN HUNTSVILLE, ALA.

DEAR NANCY: How kind of you to write. Since that letter appeared, I have received mail from readers coast to coast telling me that cards such as the one you were handed are available through the Alzheimer's Association. Typically they read: "The person with me has a disease called Alzheimer's or a related disease. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you."

Readers, if there isn't a chapter of the Alzheimer's Association in your community, contact the National Alzheimer's Association. The toll-free number is (800) 272-3900. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Torn in Framingham, Mass." should bring her mother's inappropriate displays to the attention of the woman's physician. As a board-certified geriatrician, I often see families with similar problems. Many of these disruptive behaviors can be controlled with the proper medication or other forms of therapeutic intervention.

Being the caregiver for an Alzheimer's patient can be a stress-filled, 24-hour-a-day job. Help is available, and the assistance and compassionate understanding of professionals can keep the Alzheimer's patient a loving part of the family. -- ARTHUR EFROS, M.D., WEST BLOOMFIELD, MICH.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, normally a very gentle person, has Alzheimer's. When we are going out to eat, I always call the restaurant and inform them of his condition. I ask if there is a time when they are not busy, and request a table in the far corner. In this way, I avoid what could be an unpleasant situation for both the server and my dear husband. I have found if they know ahead of time, they will make every effort to accommodate us. I have even had servers accompany him to the restroom and bring him back to the table. I always leave a generous tip for these servers who go out of their way to make our evening an enjoyable one. -- BEEN THERE AND BACK, EVERETT, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Torn in Framingham" was good, but please go one step further and advise family members, caretakers and other associates of dementia sufferers to contact the Alzheimer's Association and ask for the book "The 36-Hour Day." It is filled with helpful suggestions and advice.

My oldest sister died recently at 79 after a 10-year-battle with Alzheimer's, and my youngest sister has recently been diagnosed with it. I have recommended this book to many people. Those who took the time to read it find it very helpful. -- HORACE IN SPRINGFIELD, OHIO

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My mother was murdered by a serial killer about 16 years ago. Whenever the subject of parents comes up at work, I don't know what to tell people when they ask about my mom.

I am 26. Once in a while, they will ask me about what happened to her, but when I open my mouth to say something, I get nervous and start blushing. This might be because I know people get uncomfortable when you talk about stuff like this. I also feel weird telling them that my mother was a prostitute and that's how she was murdered. Sometimes I say she was in an "accident" -- but that's a lie.

Can you give me any advice on the proper way to discuss this in the office without it being weird for me or the other person? -- MOTHERLESS DAUGHTER IN WASHINGTON

DEAR MOTHERLESS DAUGHTER: The fact that you become "nervous" when trying to discuss what happened to your mother means -- to me -- that you are still traumatized by the circumstances of her death. (Frankly, that's understandable.) When someone asks about your mother, it's not necessary to give chapter and verse unless you want to. Tell the person your mother passed away many years ago, which is the truth. If you are pressed for details, say that the topic is painful and change the subject. You are under no social obligation to bare your soul to anyone.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old male with a problem. I work at a small business with six employees and 12 contracted associates. My problem concerns one of the female associates, "Stella."

Over the past year, Stella has made sexual advances toward me. She asks me to come over and watch movies while her husband is away; she asks for hugs while I'm busy with customers, and shows me her new undergarments. When I told Stella I was uncomfortable with the situation she placed me in, she became upset and accused me of being rude, unprofessional and sexually discriminatory.

I have brought this to the attention of my employer. He says he had a talk with her and that it will stop, but it hasn't. I love my job and don't like being treated this way, yet I feel my only option is to leave. Can you please help? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Leaving is NOT your only option. Document the times, dates and examples of the sexual harassment. Give copies to your boss and explain that the conduct has continued. According to my employment law expert, Nancy Bertrando, if the boss doesn't deal with this, you should file a complaint with the California Department of Fair Employment and Housing. (It is listed in your phone book under Government Agencies.)

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