DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful woman for the past 16 months. She comes from a good family, is well-educated, is financially and emotionally stable, and has two great kids who hero-worship me.

Last night she told me she has fallen in love with me -- and herein lies the problem. Although we have much in common and have a blast together, I'm only so-so attracted to her physically, and she's starting to notice.

I don't want to lose her friendship, but I also don't want to hurt her or her kids, and I'm afraid I already have. What should I do? -- WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING

DEAR WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING: The right thing is to tell her how fond you are of her and her children and it's something that will never go away, but that you think of her more as a sister than a lover. It won't be easy to say or to hear. But honesty is the best policy in a situation like yours.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Anne," who is in her 40s. She has never married and has dutifully taken care of her mother, whom she loves very much.

Abby, Anne's mother is hypercritical, overbearing and unloving. She'll take her hairdresser's advice about her personal affairs rather than listen to the advice of her daughter, who only wants what's best for her mother.

Anne desperately wants her mother's love and approval, but I don't think her mother, who is now elderly, will ever change. Poor Anne will never be happy because she can't let go of wanting her mother's love and approval -- which is all she ever wanted but never received. She can't afford counseling and probably wouldn't go if she could. Is there anything I can do to help her? -- WORRIED FRIEND, HOT SPRINGS, ARK.

DEAR FRIEND: Unless your friend wakes up and recognizes that her relationship with her mother is repetitive and unfulfilling, there is nothing anyone can do. However, one day when she seems receptive, you might point out to her that the way her mother controls her is by withholding the very things that she needs and wants the most.

DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to a wonderful man I'll call "Howard." His mother, "Tillie," is driving me crazy. She's trying to plan our wedding with no regard to my feelings or Howard's. She is trying to dictate the style of the wedding cake, the food that will be served, the colors we'll use and the size of the wedding. (We want something small and intimate; she wants a large one.)

Tillie has even bought a solid off-white dress to wear, which I think is tacky. Telling her how we feel does no good. Please help! -- EMBATTLED BRIDE IN TENNESSEE

DEAR EMBATTLED: Assuming that you are paying for this wedding, you should have the right to veto any "suggestions" from Howard's mother. Tillie seems to have run her son's life so far, and she will run yours, too, unless you and Howard form a united front to prevent it.

I could suggest an elopement, but that wouldn't solve your ultimate problem. Howard's mother will take over your lives if you give her an inch, so unless you're 100 percent positive that once you're married Howard will stand with you, save yourself a lot of heartache and rethink your decision to marry him.

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DEAR ABBY: I am in a two-year relationship with a very nice man I'll call "Ronny." I'm divorced; Ronny was widowed three years ago after many years of marriage.

I'm having trouble accepting the fact that he displays his wife's ashes in his bedroom. We have discussed it, and I have told him it makes me uncomfortable. He moved the urn to another location when he sold his house, but about a month ago it reappeared in his bedroom.

I spend considerable time at Ronny's house and feel somewhat unsettled, not because the ashes belong to his wife, but because they are human remains. I have no problem with a picture of her that he displays -- in fact, I had it framed for him.

Ronny is unwilling to consider other options for the ashes. He says he promised his wife she'd be buried with him. He has also said he is not ready for a commitment.

I'd like a future with Ronny, but I'm afraid he's unwilling to move on with his life because he continues to keep his wife's ashes so close by. Am I out of line with my feelings? Any suggestions for me or for him? I need a new perspective. -- THREE'S A CROWD IN VIRGINIA

DEAR LADY: That Ronny moved his wife's ashes out of the bedroom and then moved them back in indicates to me that while they were "out," you may have gotten too close for his comfort. He has already told you he isn't ready for a commitment. That's a strong message.

Your feelings are not out of line. However, the most practical advice I can offer is to be prepared to be very patient if you want a future with Ronny. This man is going nowhere in a hurry, and neither is your relationship.

DEAR ABBY: We had houseguests during the holidays -- an old friend and his new girlfriend. My parents had given us a beautiful set of expensive towels, which we used for our guests.

Whatever cleanser the girl used to wash her face destroyed them. My wife is devastated, but insists that we can't say a word to them about it. I disagree. I say we should not only mention it, we should request that they replace them. What do you think? -- BLEACHED OUT IN THE BIG CITY

DEAR BLEACHED OUT: If your guests realized that they had damaged your towels, they should have offered to replace them. (If what caused the damage is a product the woman uses regularly, wouldn't you think she'd have known it could cause a problem?) I don't think you should request that the items be replaced, but it would not be out of line to mention that they were ruined. And if the couple visits again, make sure not to use the good linens.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, who lived with me for three years, left me. The reason is that I went on a cruise and took my 24-year-old son instead of her. (Her father was scheduled for heart bypass surgery during that time, and only half our money would have been refunded if we canceled.) She moved out and is now living with her dad. What do you think about this? I need a woman's opinion. -- HURTING IN ANDERSON, IND.

DEAR HURTING: Here it is: Your romance is probably history. When she needed your emotional support, instead of being there for her, you went sailing off into the sunset with your son. Had you said, "To heck with the money, I won't leave you until we're sure everything is all right," you would still be together.

You might try offering an apology for abandoning her, but I can't guarantee it will be accepted. And frankly, I can't blame her.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a widow who lives independently. I do my own cooking, shopping and laundry. I have good friends, play cards, go to movies and, in general, enjoy life.

I recently gave my only granddaughter, "Wendy," a sizable sum of money. After 30 days and no acknowledgment, I mailed her a blank thank-you card. Here's the response I got:

"Grandmother: Thank you for the money. It couldn't have come at a better time, and my family is very grateful. I have always appreciated everything you have done for me, but I didn't realize that 'family' had to thank one another for every gesture of kindness. I always believed that love was thanks enough.

"I love you very much and want to be a part of your life and have you be a part of my life and my family's lives -- but it's up to you. It's your decision, because we have a lot of love to give and share together with no thanks required or necessary. Love, Wendy."

Abby, this is a girl with a good education and a job she has held for 12 years. The only time I see Wendy is at family gatherings. I used to take her shopping and to lunch. I stopped that when she never reciprocated or invited me to her home.

From infancy through college I have given Wendy toys, clothing, furniture, money -- but no more! My grandsons never ask for anything and are loving and respectful. I feel foolish and used. -- GRANDMOTHER IN IDAHO

DEAR GRANDMOTHER: For someone with a "good" education, your granddaughter seems ignorant of basic good manners. Her parents should have taught her by example from earliest childhood to say thank you when a kindness was extended, and the importance of a prompt thank-you note. (And "family" is no exception!)

If Wendy "loves" you, she has a strange and self-serving way of showing it. She owes you an apology, and if it is not forthcoming, you have every right to direct your attention -- as well as your estate -- to the grandsons who have been both loving and respectful.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my significant other for 15 years, and I would like a suggestion as to what I can do for this special occasion. We have always seen eye to eye, and she's the best thing that has ever happened to me.

In recent years we have been fortunate enough to travel our great country from coast to coast. We have done pretty much everything you can imagine, going out to eat, going to movies. I just don't have a clue about what to do for our 15th year of being together. Any ideas? Please respond soon. -- CHRISTOPHER IN MICHIGAN

DEAR CHRIS: I have a novel idea. Because she's the best thing that ever happened to you, why not propose marriage? And here's how: Tell her that since you have already traveled this great country from coast to coast, you think it's time you both went for a cruise on the sea of matrimony. I'll bet she'll be surprised.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)