DEAR ABBY: I have a dilemma. I have known the man of my dreams, "Gabe," for 14 years. We have been in a serious committed relationship for more than two of them. Gabe has said he wants to marry me, and even went so far as to look at engagement rings and ask my input as to what my dream wedding would be like.

We found a location, the ring, and even set a date. But now Gabe says he doesn't need a license to make him feel like he is married to me. I'm ready to leave because I want to be a wife and have children. Should I wait for something that may never happen, or follow my instincts and make a new life for myself with a man who wants the same things out of life that I do? -- TIRED OF WAITING IN TEXAS

DEAR TIRED OF WAITING: You have asked exactly the right question, but you're asking the wrong person. Ask Gabe why he has suddenly gone from finding a location, a ring, and setting a wedding date to dragging his feet.

The difference between being married and "feeling" married is night and day. If you want the guarantees that a marriage license brings, you may have to listen to your intuition and find another man.

DEAR ABBY: This may be an unusual question for your column, but as tattoos have become more mainstream, what is the proper procedure for tipping the tattoo artist? Would it be different than a hairdresser, as many tattoos run into the hundreds -- and sometimes thousands -- of dollars?

I'll be starting a back piece soon, and I think $125 an hour is plenty when it will take 20 hours to complete. -- DOESN'T WANT TO GET "STUCK" IN MICHIGAN

DEAR DOESN'T: I Googled "tipping for tattoos." The Web site I went to stated that "between 10 and 20 percent" is an appropriate gratuity.

However, according to the several tattoo parlors I checked with, tips for tattoo artists are not necessarily calculated by a percentage of the cost. Tipping for a work of art -- and that is what a tattoo is considered to be -- reflects the customer's satisfaction with the result, the time required to apply it and the intricacy of the design. (To me, this implies that the amount could be larger than stated on the Web site.) Sometimes, rather than money, gifts are given to the artist, such as art books, spiritual artifacts, jewelry, etc.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Elmer," and I care for his elderly mother and we rarely have time alone together. Ever since our mutual friend, "Stan," started working with Elmer, he has been at our house every weekend.

Last weekend, Elmer and I had planned a date -- just dinner and a movie -- but it was time we had planned to spend together. Stan decided that he wanted to spend the weekend with us, and he didn't like the movie we had chosen or the restaurant we had selected for dinner. He's the kind of person who, if you criticize him at all, will react in the most insulting way possible.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to come between Elmer and his best friend. -- THREE'S A CROWD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR "CROWDED": You may not want to, but unless you and your husband assert yourselves, that's what his friend may do to you. It's not a criticism to inform Stan that you and Elmer have previous plans -- and frankly, the person to do it is your husband. Stan will take the news better if he hears it from Elmer anyway.

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DEAR ABBY: I have been married 15 years to a woman I have always placed on a pedestal. I recently learned that when she was single, she had an affair with a married man. I can't get it out of my head. I'm afraid it will drive me to drink.

Yes, she has been a good wife and mother to our two girls (ages 11 and 13), but I no longer have the respect for her that I once had. We recently got into an argument that escalated into name-calling, and I called her a "slut" because that's what I feel she is. She dated at least seven or eight other men before we married, and knowing she had sex with a married man, I'm sure I can safely assume that she had sex with the others.

Our sex life is deteriorating. I feel I'm not making love to a "clean" woman, that she is used and dirty laundry. I told her she had cheated me the same as if I paid for a new car and then found out the dealer delivered a used one.

She always claimed to be a good Catholic, and I told her she even ignored her religious teachings, as they teach you to be a virgin for your husband. I won't leave her because of the children, but I'm afraid I'll have a hard time staying even though I believe I love her.

Instead of having her on a pedestal, I now have her in the gutter. Please advise me before I go out of my mind. -- HURT AND SAD, TRENTON, N.J.

DEAR HURT AND SAD: Hurt and sad? Imagine how SHE feels! Assuming that you are also Catholic, were you a virgin when you married your wife? Surely, the same rule applies to Catholic men as it does to Catholic women. If, after 15 years of solid marriage and two children, this is what your wife gets from the man who promised God he would love, honor and cherish her until death, frankly, I think she deserves better.

Pedestals are cold, drafty places on which to live, and it is unfair and unrealistic to label your wife as either a Madonna or a whore because of a youthful indiscretion. These days, most people fall somewhere in between.

Please, don't be a "martyr" and "stay because of the children." Unless you can find it in your heart to forgive (as your religion preaches), give the poor woman a break and go. Name-calling isn't going to fix this; psychological and religious counseling for you might. Your wife does not deserve the abuse you have heaped upon her, and you need more help than anyone can give you in a letter.

DEAR ABBY: My nephew recently married a widow with two teenage sons. His wife insists that he should have "a child of his own" -- but through adoption. She does not intend to have any more children.

My sister has now informed all the members of our family that the adoption fee is $25,000 and that we will be expected to make a donation! I have never seen this matter addressed in your column. Please tell us what to do, and fast. Our family awaits your opinion. -- MUDDLED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR MUDDLED: You have never seen the matter addressed in my column because the premise is so original and outlandish that no one has sent it to me before. It is my opinion that if your nephew and his wife cannot come up with the money to finance the adoption, they should postpone it until they can. (Just what would your sister consider everyone's "fair share" of this project to be? And if you did buy into this joint venture, does that mean you would have a say in how the child is raised?)

There are too many questions that come to mind, and not enough answers. Tell your sister, "Nice try, though!"

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DEAR ABBY: My beloved wife may be killing herself, and I can't stop her. Once or twice a week she stays up all night baking cookies for her "friends" at work -- huge numbers of cookies. Over Christmas, she was up night after night baking, and it's very worrisome.

My wife is 63 and in a demanding profession. I cannot believe that the body can tolerate sleepless nights like this. She says she takes "a nap" in her car at lunchtime, but I doubt it.

How can I stop her from this self-destructive habit? I don't want to lose her, but I don't know what to do. If I try to dissuade her from cookie-baking, she gets extremely huffy, and it's hurting our marriage. -- MARRIED TO THE COOKIE MONSTER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR MARRIED: You appear to be a concerned and loving spouse. Sleep patterns can vary from individual to individual, and different people require different amounts of sleep to function well.

However, because you are concerned about how your wife's sleep pattern could affect her general health, suggest to her -- and possibly her physician -- that she might benefit from discussing the subject with a sleep disorder specialist to determine whether she's getting the amount of rest she needs. (And if she isn't, how she can get it.) I hope this helps.

DEAR ABBY: Last May, the six of us had to put our 85-year-old mother and 90-year-old father into an assisted-living facility -- Mom for Alzheimer's and Dad for heart problems and kidney failure. Our mother is in the late middle stages of her disease.

Dad died on July 2. My two siblings who live less than two hours away from Mom decided that it would not be a good idea to tell her that her husband had passed away. Three of us don't like that decision. In fact, two of my brothers have stopped calling Mom because they're afraid she will ask if our father has died, and they don't want to lie to her. She has been told that he is "sleeping a lot."

What do you think about the way this is being handled? I cannot tell you how sad I am about this and the fact that we actually "lost" both parents last July. I am the second-oldest child and could really use some good advice. -- SAD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SAD: You have my sympathy for your loss. However, I advocate for telling the truth, unless it is a cruel one. In a case like this, where your mother has no short-term memory, each time your mother hears that her husband is dead it will be as if she's hearing it for the first time. It would be a kindness not to put her through that -- again and again.

P.S. At her stage of illness, I doubt that she'll be asking if your father has died. And it's OK not to volunteer the information.

DEAR ABBY: I operate a home-based business. My home phone number doubles as my business fax number. A day does not go by that we don't get one or two unsolicited faxed advertisements with the latest "hot" stock tip or resort vacation package. I have called the "do not fax" number listed on the faxes each time, but they continue to arrive -- often at 3 a.m. If you hang up, they just keep calling. Isn't there some federal or state law to regulate this practice? -- LOSING SLEEP IN OHIO

DEAR LOSING SLEEP: The federal government has a Do Not Call Registry. The number to call to sign up is: 888-382-1222. (You must renew every five years to remain on it.) If, after three months of signing up, you still receive unwanted faxes, you may file a complaint by calling the same phone number or logging on to www.donotcall.gov. (Alternatively, unplug your phone when you go to bed to guarantee you won't be disturbed.)

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