DEAR ABBY: "Aaron in Syracuse" asked whether it was rude of him to ask, "May I ask who's calling, please?" when he answers the phone at home. His wife says it's nosy and people will think he's screening his calls.

Abby, the person who should decide if calls need to be screened and callers identified should be the recipient of the call. If the calls are for Aaron's wife and she doesn't want or need him to identify the caller for her, then he should not do it. On the other hand, if she doesn't want to be bothered by calls and requests that he "screen" for her, that's different.

Because he insists on doing it over her objections, I wonder if he's motivated out of inappropriate curiosity, jealousy or insecurity.

Please note: My view is specific to adults in the household. Whether parents identify callers for their minor children is a matter for parents to decide. -- CYNTHIA IN ALBANY, N.Y.

DEAR CYNTHIA: You have a point, but the mail that came in response to "Aaron's" query indicates that various readers saw the problem in a different light. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In my years of work answering a company telephone, I have discovered that saying, "May I SAY who is calling, please?" conveys the idea that the need to know is to relay the information to the call recipient.

"May I ASK who is calling" has a note of nosiness to it, and does not imply that the need to know is just to relay the name. Before I learned this trick, people would sometimes take offense at the question. However, using the word "say" instead of the word "ask" has never resulted in offense taken. -- DIANE IN GARDINER, MAINE

DEAR ABBY: You missed a golden opportunity to educate your readers on proper phone manners! I have always stressed to my teenagers, and their friends, that when they make a phone call, they should identify themselves first, then ask for the person they wish to speak to, as in, "Hello, this is John. May I please speak to Kenny?" Not only will this prevent the problem of the person wondering who is calling, it's just common sense and good manners.

I stress to them that in the business world, it shows not only good manners, but also consideration for others, both of which seem to be in short supply these days. -- WELL-MANNERED IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR ABBY: I agree with your advice to "Aaron" -- however, there is one exception. When I was in my teens, my mother became an ordained minister. From that time on, if someone called for her and didn't identify him/herself, we didn't ask, as there might be confidentiality issues for the caller. -- MARGARET IN PHILADELPHIA

DEAR ABBY: About 40 years ago, a grand old New York department store opened a suburban branch in our area. They had a team from the telephone company come in and give a few classes in telephone etiquette to all the new employees.

We were instructed to say, "May I TELL her who is calling?" in a pleasant tone, and I have done it ever since. People are invariably politely responsive. Also, we were told never to "mute" the receiver against our diaphragm while calling someone to the phone, because the chest cavity acts as an amplifier. Imagine a caller hearing, "It's that pest again!" or something worse vibrating through the phone. I enjoy your column. -- TAMPA READER

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DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my soul mate and best friend, "Herbert," for a year and a half. There's only one downside to our marriage. Herbert speaks horribly about himself several times a day. It began after our wedding and used to be limited to bill-paying time. But over the last few months, he has been doing it several times a day.

He says he's a bad provider. (He's not! We're no worse off than millions of other newlywed couples.) He says he's ugly. (Again, he isn't. I find him very attractive.) He says he is lazy and that I married someone who, "if it weren't for bad luck, would have no luck at all." The list goes on and on.

At first, I'd disagree, but recently I have gone from arguing with him to suggesting counseling. Of course, Herbert will have none of that. He says we can't afford counseling, which brings on another round of his opinion that he's worthless.

Abby, it's exhausting to defend someone who constantly attacks himself. What are my options here? I adore Herbert, but it would be nice to be able to talk about something other than, "No, you're not worthless. No, you're not a bad provider."

Please don't reveal my name or location. If he knows I've written to you, he'll start it again. Help! -- GOING MAD IN THE SOUTHEAST

DEAR GOING MAD: You have married a man with low self-esteem -- a bottomless pit. It would be interesting to know how he was treated as a child, because your husband appears so accustomed to verbal abuse that if he doesn't get it from someone else, he must do it to himself. Thus, you are forced into the position of having to constantly inflate his sagging ego -- which I'm sure is exhausting and frustrating.

The next time he starts in, try this: Say, "I would never tolerate anyone else talking this way about the man I love, and I refuse to tolerate it from you, either. Are you trying to make me respect you less? If you don't stop, you'll destroy our marriage." Then insist on some sessions with a licensed professional to sort this out. It's NOT too expensive; it's something you can't afford to do without. Almost any luxury sacrificed will be worth it. And if he still refuses, go without him. I promise if you do, you'll gain much-needed insight.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 35-year-old man who recently reunited with his birth mother. I had a very close relationship with my adoptive family and was not desperate to meet my birth family, but I have enjoyed making the connection and like them very much.

I am being married next year, and because my adoptive parents are deceased, and because my adoptive sisters (both in their early 50s) mean so much to me, I plan to have them escorted down the aisle in place of my mother.

My fiancee believes I should also have my birth mother escorted down the aisle. I am afraid this would hurt the feelings of my sisters, who, while being supportive of my new connection, are still a bit sensitive about "losing" me to this new family. What do you think? -- MUDDLED IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR MUDDLED: I agree with your fiancee. Talk to your sisters about this now, and impress upon them that they are not "losing" you to your birth mother. She is joining THEM in your life, and this is a time of celebration that should be enjoyed by all -- not a turf battle.

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DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to your advice to "Threatened in N.Y.," who received an anonymous phone call that her husband was cheating. You advised her that it was probably a crank call. My comment is, "Where there's smoke, there's fire!" She should insist that her husband take a lie detector test to resolve any doubts she might have.

My husband travels for business. I had been concerned about him possibly cheating, and we went to counseling where he swore that he was faithful. I later learned that he'd been having an affair at the time, and had another one after her. Even after I had proof of his affairs, he continued trying to lie about the extent of his infidelities. We are now in counseling, and he's seeing a psychiatrist. -- WISER NOW IN FULLERTON, CALIF.

DEAR WISER NOW: Your husband obviously has some serious issues, and you have my sympathy. However, I stand by my answer. I have received a bushel of mail regarding that letter, and less than 2 percent of it agrees with you. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I, too, received an anonymous call about my husband's "infidelity." It was in the days before caller I.D. Each time, the woman left a sleazy message on my answering machine after midnight. However, I was lucky. My husband was known by a different name than the one listed in the phone directory, which indicated that the caller was lying.

I hope "Threatened" will take your advice. The person who called her is a misery-loves-company instigator who can't stand to see a happy couple. My husband died a year later, and I thank God I didn't ruin my short time with him by believing some sick tramp who made midnight phone calls. -- BEEN THERE IN MARYLAND

DEAR ABBY: I am a member of the clergy. My wife got one of those phone calls. At the time, I was an official in the local union and was getting ready to go to a meeting when our phone rang. My wife answered, and all I could hear was her saying, "Oh, he is? Are you sure? You don't mean that!" etc. When she hung up, she turned to me and said, "You won't believe this. You're in the back booth at the union hall making out with another woman." Imagine the "kick" we got out of that. Please warn "Threatened" not to believe everything she hears. -- REV. JIM IN INDIANA

DEAR ABBY: You were absolutely right that the call could have been made by a kid. Years ago, when most women were homemakers, I would look up names and numbers in the phone book, and when the woman would answer I'd say, "Is 'Harry' home?" When she replied that she was his wife, I'd say, "Oh! He never said he was married!" As a high school girl, I thought it was very funny. As an adult, I realize I could have caused irrevocable harm. -- SORRY NOW IN BALTIC, CONN.

DEAR SORRY: Better late than never! Your letter was one of a stack of similar confessional letters on my desk piled 3 inches thick. When I was in high school, I heard a similar story about some students who did the same thing to an English teacher they disliked.

DEAR ABBY: A similar incident happened to me years ago. I trusted my husband enough to know it couldn't be true, so I asked the caller to describe him -- was he tall, short, dark or blond, skinny or heavy? And do you know what the caller did? She immediately hung up! -- OPAL IN ROSEVILLE

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