DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my soul mate and best friend, "Herbert," for a year and a half. There's only one downside to our marriage. Herbert speaks horribly about himself several times a day. It began after our wedding and used to be limited to bill-paying time. But over the last few months, he has been doing it several times a day.

He says he's a bad provider. (He's not! We're no worse off than millions of other newlywed couples.) He says he's ugly. (Again, he isn't. I find him very attractive.) He says he is lazy and that I married someone who, "if it weren't for bad luck, would have no luck at all." The list goes on and on.

At first, I'd disagree, but recently I have gone from arguing with him to suggesting counseling. Of course, Herbert will have none of that. He says we can't afford counseling, which brings on another round of his opinion that he's worthless.

Abby, it's exhausting to defend someone who constantly attacks himself. What are my options here? I adore Herbert, but it would be nice to be able to talk about something other than, "No, you're not worthless. No, you're not a bad provider."

Please don't reveal my name or location. If he knows I've written to you, he'll start it again. Help! -- GOING MAD IN THE SOUTHEAST

DEAR GOING MAD: You have married a man with low self-esteem -- a bottomless pit. It would be interesting to know how he was treated as a child, because your husband appears so accustomed to verbal abuse that if he doesn't get it from someone else, he must do it to himself. Thus, you are forced into the position of having to constantly inflate his sagging ego -- which I'm sure is exhausting and frustrating.

The next time he starts in, try this: Say, "I would never tolerate anyone else talking this way about the man I love, and I refuse to tolerate it from you, either. Are you trying to make me respect you less? If you don't stop, you'll destroy our marriage." Then insist on some sessions with a licensed professional to sort this out. It's NOT too expensive; it's something you can't afford to do without. Almost any luxury sacrificed will be worth it. And if he still refuses, go without him. I promise if you do, you'll gain much-needed insight.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 35-year-old man who recently reunited with his birth mother. I had a very close relationship with my adoptive family and was not desperate to meet my birth family, but I have enjoyed making the connection and like them very much.

I am being married next year, and because my adoptive parents are deceased, and because my adoptive sisters (both in their early 50s) mean so much to me, I plan to have them escorted down the aisle in place of my mother.

My fiancee believes I should also have my birth mother escorted down the aisle. I am afraid this would hurt the feelings of my sisters, who, while being supportive of my new connection, are still a bit sensitive about "losing" me to this new family. What do you think? -- MUDDLED IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR MUDDLED: I agree with your fiancee. Talk to your sisters about this now, and impress upon them that they are not "losing" you to your birth mother. She is joining THEM in your life, and this is a time of celebration that should be enjoyed by all -- not a turf battle.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to your advice to "Threatened in N.Y.," who received an anonymous phone call that her husband was cheating. You advised her that it was probably a crank call. My comment is, "Where there's smoke, there's fire!" She should insist that her husband take a lie detector test to resolve any doubts she might have.

My husband travels for business. I had been concerned about him possibly cheating, and we went to counseling where he swore that he was faithful. I later learned that he'd been having an affair at the time, and had another one after her. Even after I had proof of his affairs, he continued trying to lie about the extent of his infidelities. We are now in counseling, and he's seeing a psychiatrist. -- WISER NOW IN FULLERTON, CALIF.

DEAR WISER NOW: Your husband obviously has some serious issues, and you have my sympathy. However, I stand by my answer. I have received a bushel of mail regarding that letter, and less than 2 percent of it agrees with you. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I, too, received an anonymous call about my husband's "infidelity." It was in the days before caller I.D. Each time, the woman left a sleazy message on my answering machine after midnight. However, I was lucky. My husband was known by a different name than the one listed in the phone directory, which indicated that the caller was lying.

I hope "Threatened" will take your advice. The person who called her is a misery-loves-company instigator who can't stand to see a happy couple. My husband died a year later, and I thank God I didn't ruin my short time with him by believing some sick tramp who made midnight phone calls. -- BEEN THERE IN MARYLAND

DEAR ABBY: I am a member of the clergy. My wife got one of those phone calls. At the time, I was an official in the local union and was getting ready to go to a meeting when our phone rang. My wife answered, and all I could hear was her saying, "Oh, he is? Are you sure? You don't mean that!" etc. When she hung up, she turned to me and said, "You won't believe this. You're in the back booth at the union hall making out with another woman." Imagine the "kick" we got out of that. Please warn "Threatened" not to believe everything she hears. -- REV. JIM IN INDIANA

DEAR ABBY: You were absolutely right that the call could have been made by a kid. Years ago, when most women were homemakers, I would look up names and numbers in the phone book, and when the woman would answer I'd say, "Is 'Harry' home?" When she replied that she was his wife, I'd say, "Oh! He never said he was married!" As a high school girl, I thought it was very funny. As an adult, I realize I could have caused irrevocable harm. -- SORRY NOW IN BALTIC, CONN.

DEAR SORRY: Better late than never! Your letter was one of a stack of similar confessional letters on my desk piled 3 inches thick. When I was in high school, I heard a similar story about some students who did the same thing to an English teacher they disliked.

DEAR ABBY: A similar incident happened to me years ago. I trusted my husband enough to know it couldn't be true, so I asked the caller to describe him -- was he tall, short, dark or blond, skinny or heavy? And do you know what the caller did? She immediately hung up! -- OPAL IN ROSEVILLE

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This is difficult, but I have no one here I can confide in. I'm ashamed, confused and unsure. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, as I am finding it more difficult every Sunday.

Without going into specific beliefs and asking questions that can only be answered by faith, I will simplify: Is it better to go to church for the wrong reasons than not to go at all? I don't think I am fooling "Him" -- and I know I'm not fooling myself.

The others, including my wife, are, if not wise to me, suspicious. I don't like my hypocrisy, but I'm afraid of the reactions -- and repercussions -- should I "out" myself and stay home. I'm uncomfortable masquerading every Sunday, being the loyal husband and worshipper while being untrue to myself. Help. (Or am I beyond it?) -- BETWEEN A ROCK AND A CLOSET

DEAR BETWEEN: I have always believed that husbands and wives are members of the same "team" and should be able to level with each other, so I'm having trouble understanding why you are masquerading and hiding the way you feel. I also believe that people can communicate with God in their own way, wherever they are, because God is everywhere -- not just confined to church property.

Because you are left feeling empty and unfulfilled by the Sunday sermons, you may need to look elsewhere for spiritual fulfillment. However, until you find the courage to express your feelings and stand by them, you will remain forever between a rock and a closet.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to help my friend "George." His ex-wife, "Carol," left him in 2003 because his hours at work were cut and his salary decreased by $20,000. She told him she no longer loved him. Abby, George supported her when she wanted to become a teacher, studied to be a bartender and then an actress. They had been married four years when she dumped him.

In 2004, George met a single mother with a young daughter. They fell in love. Soon after, Carol re-entered his life and took a job at his company to be closer to him. It affected his relationship with the single mom. He broke off their engagement and moved out.

George is now dating Carol again. He told me a few months ago that she had filed for bankruptcy. Financially, he is doing well again. But he seems blind to the fact that Carol is seeing him only because she needs someone to support her as she struggles to become an actress. He was her third husband.

I used to be her confidant. She told me after she and George had been married only nine months that she didn't love him, and only stayed married to him because he was a warm body and a steady paycheck. She'll use him again until she finds a man who is wealthier and more interesting.

What can I do to help my friend, Abby? He has turned to alcohol and pot to numb himself. -- GEORGE'S FRIEND, NOT CAROL'S

DEAR FRIEND: I assume that between his alcohol and pot binges, your friend George is confiding in you. If you are truly his friend, you'll tell him that it's clear he is in emotional pain and suggest that he get professional help "to see him through this difficult period." Your friend is accident-prone when it comes to love, and counseling is what he really needs.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Today is a double-barreled holiday! To my African-American readers, a Happy Kwanzaa to you all. And to my Jewish readers, a very Happy Hanukkah!

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)