DEAR ABBY: I grew up invisible in a household with three siblings, one of whom got by far the most attention. To this day, my older brother's picture is displayed in our parents' family room -- only his.

Two of my siblings were manic-depressive. There was never much calm, but that was no one's fault. My biggest complaint is that Dad ran out on us, taking work in another town. Although he had the option to stay, he left Mom and me to cope with the remaining brother who suffered from that horrible disease. It was hell.

I am still angry at my father, even though he is old and frail and doesn't have much time left. My wife says I need to sit down with him, explain why I am angry, clear the air, and also ask him to hang pictures of all of his children. I say, some wounds are better left scabbed, if not healed. I feel that the absence of photographs speaks of an attitude that cannot be changed. What do you think? -- FORGOTTEN SON, BOZEMAN, MT.

DEAR FORGOTTEN SON: I think I agree with your wife. Although you may not be able to change your father's attitude (or priorities), it might be beneficial for you to give him a chance to explain why he left -- one adult to another. And as to why only one sibling's picture is displayed, it could have less to do with the amount of affection as much as the level of preoccupation. Please talk to your father before it's too late. It could lighten your load.

DEAR ABBY: I come from a family where there was alcohol abuse on the part of both of my parents. No one in the family is an admitted alcoholic, but sometimes the problem can be quite obvious.

When I drink to excess, I have trouble controlling my emotions. Whatever I'm feeling becomes amplified, so I am quick to be very jubilant, sad or even angry. This lack of control has caused me a lot of trouble -- especially with my current girlfriend. She says she can't handle when I drink because I always become verbally abusive to her.

Abby, how can I tell if I am an alcoholic? I don't have trouble controlling the amount or frequency of when I drink, but I do get "mood swings" when I'm intoxicated. Is that a classic sign? -- WORRIED IN WORCESTER

DEAR WORRIED: Alcoholism can run in families, and because both of your parents have problems with alcohol, you could be at greater risk than the average person.

Among the questions you must ask yourself are: Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year? Has your drinking caused a problem with your relationships? Do you have blackouts (can't remember what happened when you were drunk)? Have you ever embarrassed yourself or someone else when drinking?

According to your letter, the answer to all of these questions is yes. This indicates that although you may not be an alcoholic, you could be in danger of BECOMING one.

Please consider contacting Alcoholics Anonymous. The organization is listed in your phone directory. The folks there will provide you with literature and information about alcoholism, and invite you to visit one of their many support groups. Please take them up on it. It could be the learning experience you need to head off a serious problem before it happens. Good luck!

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My family and I have lived in this subdivision for 10 years. We are friendly with our neighbors. All of the children here play wonderfully together and are of various ages.

One of my neighbors, "Rachel," and I were very close at one time, but we are recovering from a fallout involving her eldest daughter. We are trying to repair the friendship, but it has reached the point that I hate living here.

Rachel is jealous of anyone I spend time with if it's not her. She is constantly out in her yard, and I feel like she watches everything I do and who comes and goes. When I spend time with other neighbors, she retaliates with rudeness and with negative, insulting comments and behavior.

How can I get across to her that although we may have been close friends at one time, we're now only friendly neighbors? -- WANTS TO MOVE IN OHIO

DEAR WANTS TO MOVE: It appears Rachel has emotionally regressed to the grammar school level, where children assume that if they are friends they "own" each other. I see no reason to issue any proclamations. Get your message across by continuing to have an active social life with neighbors you enjoy and ignoring her sulkiness. If she makes a nasty comment, tell her: "You know, sniping is a very unattractive trait. It makes me want to see less of you rather than more."

DEAR ABBY: My elderly mother lives in a small efficiency apartment. Last year, my out-of-town siblings -- all of whom live within 50 miles -- visited her on Christmas Day with gifts she could not possibly use.

One sister brought a set of heavy crystal glasses. (Mother's hands shake, and she uses a plastic drinking cup with a handle.) Another sister brought a silver tea service (which I had to pack in a closet for her). My brother brought her two pieces of heavy luggage (which took up all the room in a closet).

Mama no longer is up to entertaining, and all those expensive gifts were useless to her. She has tried "hinting" that she doesn't need things like that, but they refuse to listen.

It would be so much more helpful if they would instead cook a meal for Mama, or stop by a restaurant and bring her a meal when they visit. She isn't up to cooking, and a gift like that would not wind up packed away for the next generation.

When they visit, they usually stop by a restaurant and eat, but they never stop to consider that Mama would love a meal, too. I try to cook for her as often as I can, but I have a disabled child at home who is in and out of the hospital. When I do cook, I package meals for her that she can microwave and enjoy. What a help it would be if my siblings would do this.

Why don't people stop and take into consideration how a person lives and what his or her needs are before buying a gift? Thanks for letting me vent. -- CHRISTINE IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR CHRISTINE: It may be that doing what you suggest takes too much time and energy. Or, in the case of your siblings, the motivation for the expensive gifts may be guilt. You can't change them, but I do recommend you remind them frequently how much your mother would appreciate it if they would bring her a nice meal when they visit. You'll be doing them -- and her -- a favor.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter about the man who parades around naked in front of his daughters after his shower prompts my letter. His stated reason is he claims he's hot and needs to air-dry his hemorrhoids. Well, my advice for him is to wrap a towel around his waist, go straight to his bedroom, shut the door and do his "airing" there. Then if he wants, he can stand on his head and air-dry them as long as he darn well pleases. When he's done, he can get dressed and join the family. And if this doesn't please him, send him to a shrink. -- SIMPLE SOLUTION, TWIN FALLS, IDAHO

DEAR SIMPLE: The mail that poured in regarding that letter -- and scolding me for my lighthearted answer -- was all over the map on this subject. Your solution is a good one, but read on:

DEAR ABBY: My father also did that, and I turned out just fine. I'm female, 37, happily married with no emotional scars. Unless the wife has reason to think he's a predator, she should relax. Americans -- and I am one -- are far too hung up on nudity. -- BETTINA IN CROSSVILLE, TENN.

DEAR ABBY: Only people with dirty minds equate nudity (especially that of a family member) with sex. Those girls are probably so used to it by now they think nothing of it. I suspect this is a power struggle between the husband and wife, and it's none of the mother-in-law's business. -- DISGUSTED IN CANADA

DEAR ABBY: The father's actions are criminal. He's sexually abusing the eyes and emotions of those unwilling witnesses. The wife and mother-in-law should document the times and dates of these assaults. With that documentation they can force Dad into therapy long enough to root out the evil beginnings of this perverse behavior. -- PSYCHOTHERAPIST FROM NEW JERSEY

DEAR ABBY: I am European. For us, it is completely normal to see our parents naked. There is nothing abnormal or wrong about it. -- YASMINE (U.S. AIR FORCE)

DEAR ABBY: I almost spewed my coffee when I saw the letter about the guy letting his hemorrhoids air-dry in front of his daughters. Can I say one word here? Bathrobe! -- PAUL IN FAIRBORN, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: You should have advised "Disgusted" to tell her daughter to try once more to calmly and intelligently reason with her husband. And if that doesn't do the trick, the daughter should inform her mother-in-law about his behavior. One call from his mother, and I'll bet the practice would stop! -- VIVIAN IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR ABBY: I'd get a video camera and film him without his knowledge. Then, when his family comes to visit over the holidays, I'd announce that I have a "special home video" to show. Maybe when everyone has seen him like that, her husband will make an appointment with a surgeon to have those hemorrhoids removed. -- BERNIE IN AYLETT, VA.

DEAR ABBY: I had a similar problem with my husband and son. Every night they'd come to the dinner table and eat their meal shirtless. Finally, I decided I'd had enough -- so I calmly took off my shirt and proceeded to eat my meal. (They got the message!) -- DAWNELLE IN ALTUS, OKLA.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)