DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to a very special young lady I'll call "Rhonda." Our wedding date is approaching soon. We're both excited about the prospect of being married.

The problem is Rhonda can't decide who should walk her down the aisle -- her father, who wasn't a big part of her life while she was growing up, although they have a good relationship now, or her ex-stepfather, whom she feels deserves the honor.

The real problem is the grandparents. If she chooses the stepdad, her grandparents will be upset, and she doesn't want to do that. However, if she chooses her daddy, she feels she will not have given her ex-stepfather the respect he deserves.

Please help. -- CONCERNED FIANCE IN TEXAS

DEAR CONCERNED FIANCE: I have a suggestion. Ask Rhonda to draw a line on a piece of paper, symbolizing her life from birth to today. Parallel to it, she should draw another line illustrating how much of her life her birth father had a relationship with her. On the other side of her "lifeline" she should draw a similar line representing how long her ex-stepfather has been there for her.

Now, let's pretend the center line, the lifeline, is the aisle. Her birth father should walk her as far as his line extends on the piece of paper; her ex-stepdad should take her the rest of the way. Unless they both walk her from start to finish, I think that would be a fair compromise.

DEAR ABBY: I need advice on how to stop picking at my boyfriend. It drives him up the wall, and I know it -- but I can't help myself. If he has a blemish, I pick at it. If he has a whisker out of place, I want to pull it out. It's a horrible habit I have gotten myself into. I have tried to stop, but it drives me crazy. Please help me. -- SWEET MONKEY IN SEATTLE

DEAR SWEET MONKEY: You appear to be obsessive-compulsive where your boyfriend is concerned. (For a moment, I was afraid you'd be telling me that you eat the fleas you groom out of his coat.) One way to stop "picking" at your boyfriend would be to concentrate more on your own imperfections than on his. If you do, I predict you'll probably keep him around longer.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is controlling and verbally abusive. It's his way or no way. We separated, and after two months, he asked if I would come to his place -- so I did and stayed the weekend.

He told me about a woman he had met, but he said he wanted me to come back home. I decided to give our marriage one more try. After one week, he was seeing the woman again. Two weeks later, he ordered me to leave. He said he loved her and wanted to see if their relationship would grow. He said if it doesn't, he will call me.

Should I wait for him or go on with my life? My emotions are so raw because of the turmoil that I'm not thinking clearly. -- DOWN AND OUT IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR DOWN AND OUT: The good Lord has given you a blessed gift, the chance to escape from a controlling and verbally abusive man who does not value you. Please take the break that has been offered, and go on and make a happy life for yourself. If you allow this relationship to continue (one can hardly call it a marriage), the cycle will only repeat until you have no self-esteem left.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR READERS: I have happy news. You have been writing to me for years -- now you will have a chance to actually talk to me in person! On Dec. 1 at 1 p.m. EST -- that's 10 a.m. PST -- I'm inviting you to pick up the phone, call me and ask your questions. The toll-free number is (800) 501-7080.

You can listen to the program by logging on to DearAbbyRadio.com. So join me then, and we'll make it a holiday "party" to remember! -- Love, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Andy," and I are being married soon. From the first time that Andy met my friend "Doug," they did not get along.

Doug and I have known each other since elementary school. We are very close -- in a sibling sort of way, as far as I'm concerned. When we're all together, just the three of us or in a large group, Doug makes subtle or sarcastic comments about Andy both to his face and behind his back. Andy has been very tolerant, at my request, although he wants to "have words" with Doug. Andy has also expressed recently that he doesn't like the way Doug casually touches me, which I hadn't really noticed until he pointed it out. What I can't understand is: Why?

Everyone I know who meets Doug or has known him for a few years, including my parents, are convinced he is gay. As close as I am to him, I can't tell one way or the other. His mannerisms are effeminate, he doesn't involve himself with women, he loves to shop with me and his mother, his taste is exquisite -- among other stereotypical "signs." But he has not come out. If he's gay, the casual touching is a little odd. If he's straight, I don't want to lose his friendship.

I'm terrified of asking Doug if he's gay. He seems to take offense at the notion, and I don't want to embarrass either one of us. But I need a way to tell him to calm down, without making it seem as if I'm against him now that I'm being married. Can you help me? -- MS. CHAOTIC IN DALLAS

DEAR MS. CHAOTIC: Doug may be so deeply closeted that he isn't even out to himself, so don't ask him. Whether he's gay or straight is beside the point. His manners are terrible. Doug is showing hostility and disrespect to the man you are going to marry.

What you should say to him is that you had hoped you would be friends for a lifetime, but it's not going to happen if he continues treating Andy this way. Inform him that he owes your fiance an apology (it's the truth), and that you'd appreciate it if he backed off and kept his hands to himself, because frankly, it's making you uncomfortable. After that, it's his choice as to whether he wants to build bridges or put himself on the outs.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend beats me almost every day. I don't know what to do because he only does it when we're having sex. So far, he has given me a black eye and a bloody nose.

Abby, I love this man, but I don't know what to do. Can you help me? -- CONFUSED IN CAMBRIDGE CITY, IND.

DEAR CONFUSED: I'll try. There are people who are unable to achieve sexual satisfaction unless they hurt their partners. These people are called sadists. There are also people who enjoy being punished in this way. They are called masochists. Unless you are a masochist, and it does not appear that you are, this man is not for you. His behavior could escalate to the point that you could be seriously injured.

My advice is to end the relationship now. If you allow this pattern to continue, you'll need a plastic surgeon to repair the damage.

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to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR READERS: The bells are ringing and the air is brisk with winter chill. If you haven't already started, it's time to compile those Christmas lists once again. Every year readers ask me to suggest thoughtful gifts for seniors -- especially those living on fixed incomes.

First, a gentle warning: Do not send cologne, aftershave or scented bath powder, unless you're sure it's welcome. Scents are highly personal; not every perfume works on every person.

Never give a pet to anyone unless you have made absolutely certain the person wants one and can properly care for it.

Unless you're sure they imbibe, refrain from giving alcoholic beverages to people. Also, while candy, nuts and holiday confections make beautiful gifts for those who are not counting calories, please show compassion for those who must, and lead them not into temptation.

Many folks on fixed incomes would welcome a gift basket of goodies. Include small cans of tuna, chicken or stew; assorted flavored instant coffee and herbal teas; soup mixes, crackers, cookies, nuts, dried fruit and hot breakfast cereal. Or fill their freezer with frozen homemade meals that can be microwaved in minutes.

Gift certificates can be a godsend. Give gift certificates for groceries, haircuts, manicures, massages, dry cleaning, restaurant meals, video rentals and department stores. Tickets make great gifts -- to movies, concerts, the opera, a play (could be at a local community theater) and sporting events.

Homemade coupons for "Honey-do's" (Honey, do this -- and Honey, do that) make thoughtful presents. Create some that are redeemable for chores such as window washing, painting, gardening; washing, waxing and car detailing; replacing light bulbs, cleaning ceiling fans, changing air-conditioning filters; moving heavy furniture for spring and fall cleaning, and transportation for shopping or doctor's visits, etc.

Because not all seniors drive, bus passes and coupons for senior transportation or taxis can come in handy.

Prepayment of utilities for a month or two can be sent directly to the utility company. Then inform the recipients they'll have "extra" money to spend as they wish. We all know medications are notoriously expensive. A gift certificate to the neighborhood pharmacy would be greatly appreciated.

For pet owners, remember their furry, four-legged family member with a treat -- a can of dog or cat food or a rawhide chew stick or catnip toy. (They'll lap it up!)

A subscription to a magazine or newspaper you know the person will enjoy is a gift that keeps on giving. Large-print calendars with family birthdays, anniversaries, etc., marked and personalized with family photographs, are welcome, as are large-print address books with information transferred from the recipient's records.

Give a small radio or remote-controlled television, if finances permit. A cordless phone or answering machine makes a practical gift as well.

Other suggestions: a cuddly robe, slippers or socks with non-skid soles, sweatpants and sweatshirts, and stationery (be sure to include felt-tipped pens and lots of stamps).

And remember, the holidays can be a depressing time for people who are alone. If someone you know could use an outing, give that person the most meaningful gift of all -- an invitation to have a meal with you and your family. The greatest gift you can give is a gift of yourself.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)