DEAR READERS: The bells are ringing and the air is brisk with winter chill. If you haven't already started, it's time to compile those Christmas lists once again. Every year readers ask me to suggest thoughtful gifts for seniors -- especially those living on fixed incomes.

First, a gentle warning: Do not send cologne, aftershave or scented bath powder, unless you're sure it's welcome. Scents are highly personal; not every perfume works on every person.

Never give a pet to anyone unless you have made absolutely certain the person wants one and can properly care for it.

Unless you're sure they imbibe, refrain from giving alcoholic beverages to people. Also, while candy, nuts and holiday confections make beautiful gifts for those who are not counting calories, please show compassion for those who must, and lead them not into temptation.

Many folks on fixed incomes would welcome a gift basket of goodies. Include small cans of tuna, chicken or stew; assorted flavored instant coffee and herbal teas; soup mixes, crackers, cookies, nuts, dried fruit and hot breakfast cereal. Or fill their freezer with frozen homemade meals that can be microwaved in minutes.

Gift certificates can be a godsend. Give gift certificates for groceries, haircuts, manicures, massages, dry cleaning, restaurant meals, video rentals and department stores. Tickets make great gifts -- to movies, concerts, the opera, a play (could be at a local community theater) and sporting events.

Homemade coupons for "Honey-do's" (Honey, do this -- and Honey, do that) make thoughtful presents. Create some that are redeemable for chores such as window washing, painting, gardening; washing, waxing and car detailing; replacing light bulbs, cleaning ceiling fans, changing air-conditioning filters; moving heavy furniture for spring and fall cleaning, and transportation for shopping or doctor's visits, etc.

Because not all seniors drive, bus passes and coupons for senior transportation or taxis can come in handy.

Prepayment of utilities for a month or two can be sent directly to the utility company. Then inform the recipients they'll have "extra" money to spend as they wish. We all know medications are notoriously expensive. A gift certificate to the neighborhood pharmacy would be greatly appreciated.

For pet owners, remember their furry, four-legged family member with a treat -- a can of dog or cat food or a rawhide chew stick or catnip toy. (They'll lap it up!)

A subscription to a magazine or newspaper you know the person will enjoy is a gift that keeps on giving. Large-print calendars with family birthdays, anniversaries, etc., marked and personalized with family photographs, are welcome, as are large-print address books with information transferred from the recipient's records.

Give a small radio or remote-controlled television, if finances permit. A cordless phone or answering machine makes a practical gift as well.

Other suggestions: a cuddly robe, slippers or socks with non-skid soles, sweatpants and sweatshirts, and stationery (be sure to include felt-tipped pens and lots of stamps).

And remember, the holidays can be a depressing time for people who are alone. If someone you know could use an outing, give that person the most meaningful gift of all -- an invitation to have a meal with you and your family. The greatest gift you can give is a gift of yourself.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband's son is planning a wedding for next year. I am not very close to him or his fiancee.

My problem is my husband wants all of his out-of-state family to stay with us in the new home that we just moved into a few months ago. They'll be staying for one week.

I feel we'll be very busy and stressed at that time. Also, the house is not quite ready for overnight guests. Would I be out of line to ask everyone to stay in a nearby motel? My husband thinks it would be rude; however, he will make his decision based on your answer. -- WORRIED IN WILMINGTON

DEAR WORRIED: I wish you had mentioned how many of your husband's relatives would be staying with you, and how many bedrooms you have to accommodate them. However, I'll venture a guess that it'll be a horde, and they'd be camped out on air mattresses and underfoot everywhere. If that's the case, I agree it would be too stressful.

It is common for the parents of the bridal couple to arrange to reserve a block of hotel rooms at reduced rates on occasions like this. That way, guests have private space for quiet time, their own bed to sleep in, their own bathroom accommodations, etc. And that's what I suggest you do for your stepson's wedding. To make your guests feel welcome, arrange to have a fruit and/or snack basket waiting in each room when your guests arrive, plus an itinerary of things for them to do. (It goes without saying that you would entertain them in your home at least once during the week they're in town.)

DEAR ABBY: Although I am only 18, I am married, hold a full-time job and am in my second year of college. I currently hold an accounting position, which makes me look and feel older than I actually am.

When people at work ask me how old I am, I feel like they start to look down on me because I am younger than they are. I actually supervise a woman who is 30, and I'm worried that once she finds out my age she will not listen to me.

I want respect in the workplace, so what should I say when people ask how old I am? -- STRICTLY BUSINESS IN TEXAS

DEAR STRICTLY BUSINESS: There are certain categories of questions that by law cannot be asked in the workplace. Among them are marital status, religion, race and age. You are not obligated to tell anyone how old you are (or aren't), so when you are asked, reply, "If you promise not to ask my age, I'll promise not to ask your bank balance."

DEAR ABBY: Being elderly, my husband and I wonder what we should do if either one of us wakes up and finds the other one deceased. Should we call the local funeral parlor, or should we contact the police? Can you please answer this question for us? We are truly at a loss as to what to do. -- LOOKING AHEAD IN VIRGINIA

DEAR LOOKING AHEAD: If one of you should die in your sleep, the survivor should telephone your local police department (not 911) so they can determine if the death was due to natural causes. They will then help the survivor to contact other family members, the funeral home, etc.

While this may not be standard operating procedure in every state, I know for a fact that it is in Minnesota and California -- and I suspect that it's similar in most other states as well.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my father died at the age of 58. My mother has not taken it well. Although she went through grief counseling, she did not benefit from it. Abby, she acts as if my father is still alive, that he has gone on a trip and will return at any time. She is also becoming increasingly unstable. If told the truth about Dad's death, she throws a fit.

Lately, my mother has become more violent, leaving bruises on her victims. I love Mother very much, but not only has she injured me, she has attacked her grandchildren as well. My husband says we should just leave her in the house to die. We do not have the money to put her in a home, and if we did, she'd refuse to leave the home Dad built.

What can I do about my out-of-control mother? -- WORRIED SICK IN TEXAS

DEAR WORRIED SICK: From your description of her behavior, your mother may be mentally ill. Tell her again that your father is dead. If she assaults you again, call the police. Tell them this isn't the first time it has happened and that she has also assaulted the children. If someone is a danger to himself or others, then that person can be hospitalized for a short period of observation by mental health professionals. And that could be what saves your mother, who appears to be in serious need of professional help.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 53-year-old child (some child!). My mother was always verbally and emotionally abusive. Although my parents lived only seven miles away, I didn't visit very often because she would browbeat me.

Dad passed away two months ago. My mother doesn't drive. I can see that Mother is counting on me to take her everywhere on my days off, which are always in the middle of the week. I do shift work and have a husband and a household to run. I also need a little time to myself.

Am I being selfish to expect my mother to find alternative transportation? She is very involved in civic affairs and claims she has many friends who would help her, but I see no one coming forward. Please don't suggest other relatives. Mother has burned too many bridges, and no one wants the job.

I am getting angry and also feeling guilty, but I do not want to be at her beck and call because her cruelty toward me is continuing. -- MISERABLE IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MISERABLE: You do not have to tolerate verbal abuse. Start checking around your community to see if there are any low-cost transportation services for seniors sponsored by the city or senior centers. If no services are available, your mother may have to relocate in order to avail herself of public transportation.

DEAR ABBY: I work in an office where one co-worker constantly whistles. It's extremely distracting to all of us in the office while we're working, but we don't know how to approach this individual and say, "Can you please stop whistling while you work?"

Please help us stop this daily annoyance. We need relief. -- FRUSTRATED OFFICE GIRLS, CLARKS SUMMIT, PA.

DEAR OFFICE GIRLS: Because you can't bring yourselves to approach the offender directly, try this: The next time the offender starts whistling, offer the person a plate of crackers.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

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