DEAR ABBY: My husband's son is planning a wedding for next year. I am not very close to him or his fiancee.

My problem is my husband wants all of his out-of-state family to stay with us in the new home that we just moved into a few months ago. They'll be staying for one week.

I feel we'll be very busy and stressed at that time. Also, the house is not quite ready for overnight guests. Would I be out of line to ask everyone to stay in a nearby motel? My husband thinks it would be rude; however, he will make his decision based on your answer. -- WORRIED IN WILMINGTON

DEAR WORRIED: I wish you had mentioned how many of your husband's relatives would be staying with you, and how many bedrooms you have to accommodate them. However, I'll venture a guess that it'll be a horde, and they'd be camped out on air mattresses and underfoot everywhere. If that's the case, I agree it would be too stressful.

It is common for the parents of the bridal couple to arrange to reserve a block of hotel rooms at reduced rates on occasions like this. That way, guests have private space for quiet time, their own bed to sleep in, their own bathroom accommodations, etc. And that's what I suggest you do for your stepson's wedding. To make your guests feel welcome, arrange to have a fruit and/or snack basket waiting in each room when your guests arrive, plus an itinerary of things for them to do. (It goes without saying that you would entertain them in your home at least once during the week they're in town.)

DEAR ABBY: Although I am only 18, I am married, hold a full-time job and am in my second year of college. I currently hold an accounting position, which makes me look and feel older than I actually am.

When people at work ask me how old I am, I feel like they start to look down on me because I am younger than they are. I actually supervise a woman who is 30, and I'm worried that once she finds out my age she will not listen to me.

I want respect in the workplace, so what should I say when people ask how old I am? -- STRICTLY BUSINESS IN TEXAS

DEAR STRICTLY BUSINESS: There are certain categories of questions that by law cannot be asked in the workplace. Among them are marital status, religion, race and age. You are not obligated to tell anyone how old you are (or aren't), so when you are asked, reply, "If you promise not to ask my age, I'll promise not to ask your bank balance."

DEAR ABBY: Being elderly, my husband and I wonder what we should do if either one of us wakes up and finds the other one deceased. Should we call the local funeral parlor, or should we contact the police? Can you please answer this question for us? We are truly at a loss as to what to do. -- LOOKING AHEAD IN VIRGINIA

DEAR LOOKING AHEAD: If one of you should die in your sleep, the survivor should telephone your local police department (not 911) so they can determine if the death was due to natural causes. They will then help the survivor to contact other family members, the funeral home, etc.

While this may not be standard operating procedure in every state, I know for a fact that it is in Minnesota and California -- and I suspect that it's similar in most other states as well.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my father died at the age of 58. My mother has not taken it well. Although she went through grief counseling, she did not benefit from it. Abby, she acts as if my father is still alive, that he has gone on a trip and will return at any time. She is also becoming increasingly unstable. If told the truth about Dad's death, she throws a fit.

Lately, my mother has become more violent, leaving bruises on her victims. I love Mother very much, but not only has she injured me, she has attacked her grandchildren as well. My husband says we should just leave her in the house to die. We do not have the money to put her in a home, and if we did, she'd refuse to leave the home Dad built.

What can I do about my out-of-control mother? -- WORRIED SICK IN TEXAS

DEAR WORRIED SICK: From your description of her behavior, your mother may be mentally ill. Tell her again that your father is dead. If she assaults you again, call the police. Tell them this isn't the first time it has happened and that she has also assaulted the children. If someone is a danger to himself or others, then that person can be hospitalized for a short period of observation by mental health professionals. And that could be what saves your mother, who appears to be in serious need of professional help.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 53-year-old child (some child!). My mother was always verbally and emotionally abusive. Although my parents lived only seven miles away, I didn't visit very often because she would browbeat me.

Dad passed away two months ago. My mother doesn't drive. I can see that Mother is counting on me to take her everywhere on my days off, which are always in the middle of the week. I do shift work and have a husband and a household to run. I also need a little time to myself.

Am I being selfish to expect my mother to find alternative transportation? She is very involved in civic affairs and claims she has many friends who would help her, but I see no one coming forward. Please don't suggest other relatives. Mother has burned too many bridges, and no one wants the job.

I am getting angry and also feeling guilty, but I do not want to be at her beck and call because her cruelty toward me is continuing. -- MISERABLE IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MISERABLE: You do not have to tolerate verbal abuse. Start checking around your community to see if there are any low-cost transportation services for seniors sponsored by the city or senior centers. If no services are available, your mother may have to relocate in order to avail herself of public transportation.

DEAR ABBY: I work in an office where one co-worker constantly whistles. It's extremely distracting to all of us in the office while we're working, but we don't know how to approach this individual and say, "Can you please stop whistling while you work?"

Please help us stop this daily annoyance. We need relief. -- FRUSTRATED OFFICE GIRLS, CLARKS SUMMIT, PA.

DEAR OFFICE GIRLS: Because you can't bring yourselves to approach the offender directly, try this: The next time the offender starts whistling, offer the person a plate of crackers.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Kirk," accompanied me overseas for an extended military tour. He has been an excellent care provider for my two children, ages 2 and 7. He does all kinds of activities with them that I cannot because of my work schedule.

I recently found out that Kirk has been having an affair and stealing from me to fund his activities. Initially, he lied about the whole thing in counseling, but when cornered he confessed. Kirk has since promised to end the affair, and I have taken precautions with my finances.

We have agreed to stay together until we get back to the states (about six months), and then we will file for divorce. My friends think that I'm crazy to keep him around, but there is no better person here to take care of our children -- and changing my hours is not an option. We never argue in front of the kids and are actually on amicable terms. Am I crazy? -- HURTING OVERSEAS

DEAR HURTING: Are you crazy? Crazy like a fox! You are behaving in a manner that is mature and rational, and I commend you for it.

DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old daughter has been shaving her arms for the past six months because she says they are "hairy." I have tried my best to talk her out of it.

I asked advice from a neighbor, and she said I should forbid her from doing it because she can get skin cancer. Is that true? -- CONFUSED MOM, CALEXICO, CALIF.

DEAR CONFUSED MOM: If that were true, every man and woman who shaved other parts of their bodies would be suffering from skin cancer. However, I would discourage her from shaving her arms because there are better ways to deal with the problem. Using a depilatory wax to remove the hair would take it out by the roots and cause it to eventually grow in more sparsely. And using a depilatory cream would "wipe" away the hair, leaving less of a visible stubble than shaving does. She might also consider bleaching the hair on her arms, which would make it less noticeable.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law recently decided to move into an assisted-living facility. Because of limited space, she needs to get rid of excess baggage, so she had a rummage sale. She has also begun to return gifts she has received to those who gave them to her. I find that rude and insulting, as each gift was given for a reason, and getting them back feels like rejection.

A good friend of mine feels it's an honor to get those gifts back rather than see these treasures in a rummage sale or given to someone who doesn't understand the meaning behind the gift. My question: Who's right? -- CINDY IN MINNESOTA

DEAR CINDY: She is. And my question to you is, why are you looking for rejection? Your mother-in-law has to downsize, and I'd say she's doing it in the most sensitive way possible.

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