DEAR ABBY: While vacationing at a resort last month, I ran into the brother of a girl I went to school with. I hadn't seen "Sean" or his sister "Meghan" for several years, so I asked how he was doing, and then proceeded to ask about Meghan. His face turned pale and he said, "She's dead."

I had never heard that Meghan has passed away. I was mortified. I had no idea what to do next. I mumbled a clumsy "I'm sorry," and he continued to give me a withering stare. I have since learned that his sister died of a drug overdose, and that's why it wasn't mentioned in the newspaper.

How should I handle this when I see Sean again? It is inevitable that we'll cross paths again, and I feel guilty for bringing up his sister as it caused him such obvious pain. I don't want to ignore him, but I really don't know what to say. Have you any advice for me? -- MORTIFIED IN MAINE

DEAR MORTIFIED: Don't wait until you see the man. Write him a short note telling him again how shocked and sorry you were to hear of his sister's death. Mention that it was obvious your question blindsided him and caused him pain. Let him know that wasn't your intention when you asked it. Then, when you see him again, the subject will have already been dealt with. Please don't feel guilty, because you did nothing wrong.

DEAR ABBY: I have new neighbors who insist on feeding my dog, "Sadie," even though I have asked them repeatedly not to. Sadie has food allergies, not to mention the impact this has had on her training. Sadie gets treats only for doing what she is told to do.

What can I do to make them stop feeding my dog (other than moving)? A large fence is not permitted where we live. -- DOG-TIRED IN IRVINE, CALIF

DEAR DOG-TIRED: There is no way to force your neighbors to stop feeding your dog. However, I do have some suggestions.

First, do not allow your dog to go near the neighbors' unless she is on a leash. That way you are in control. Second, contact a dog trainer and learn how to train Sadie not to accept food from strangers without your permission. (It could save her from being poisoned one day.) Third, because large fences are restricted in your neighborhood, consider installing an electronic fence. It works with a sensor in your dog's collar, and will discourage Sadie from leaving your property by giving her a mild shock if she crosses from your yard into your neighbors'.

DEAR ABBY: How long should people be expected to keep school memorabilia, baby albums, childhood scrapbooks, etc? My husband and I recently moved to a smaller home and down-sized our belongings. I disposed of almost all of the memorabilia. None of it had been looked at in at least 35 years.

There are no albums of my husband. They could still be at his parents' house –- or maybe there are none.

My mother is so angry over this she's ready to disown me. Why would I keep those things, since I have no one to pass them on to and they are just taking up room? Your opinion, please. -- CINCINNATI READER

DEAR READER: Obviously, the items you threw away had sentimental value to someone -– your mother. Because there were presumably pictures of other relatives in those albums, it would have been a kindness to have offered them to those relatives -– including your mother -– rather than just throwing them away.

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DEAR ABBY: I work at a large zoo, in the children's zoo department. I cannot count the number of times I have heard parents, out of ignorance or impatience, lie to their child about the animals they are observing.

In an enclosure with several species of animal, for example, they will tell their child that pygmy species (smaller than non-pygmy when full-grown) are actually babies of large animals. I have also seen them give incorrect information about animal behavior, diet and habitat.

I want to ask these parents for something: Respect your child enough to admit that you sometimes don't know the answer to their question. If you don't know the answer, ask a keeper. We are usually on hand and never mind talking about the animals we love and interact with daily. We enjoy showing people how amazing and fulfilling these animals can be, and it pains us to hear parents provide misinformation to children. -- A KEEPER IN THE EAST

DEAR KEEPER: You have rattled the right cage. My assistant, Sherry, who is a docent at the Los Angeles Zoo, informs me that your complaint is all too common among staff at zoos.

It does a child a grave disservice to give him or her misinformation. Children are little vessels. If you fill their heads with nonsense, they'll pour it forth at a later date -– embarrassing themselves in front of friends or in the classroom, where they'll feel like idiots when it's pointed out that they are wrong.

It seems that one of the most difficult phrases in the English language for people to utter is, "I don't know." Perhaps that's because they are afraid it will make them appear stupid, so they try to fill the vacuum by saying something -– a mistake. A more constructive approach is to say, "I don't know, but I'll help you get the answer," especially when talking to a child. Nobody knows everything, and learning is most fun when it's a shared endeavor.

Zoos were created for the purpose of education, conversation, recreation and research. When visiting a zoo, if you have a question, you should ask a zookeeper or a docent, if one is provided.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 30-year-old woman, married to a man in his mid-50s. "Andre" and I have an 8-year-old daughter together, and he has three grown sons I helped him raise over the last 10 years.

My problem is I feel deep inside that I'm missing out on what is supposed to be my "real" life. I know I was meant to have more children, but Andre had a vasectomy and doesn't want any more. I would like to return to college and get my degree, but Andre doesn't support that, either. I'd like to work with children or in a helping profession; Andre refuses to listen.

I have tried to ignore my feelings. I have been to counselors, and on and off anti-depressants for years. I don't think I love my husband anymore, and I feel in my heart that this marriage isn't healthy for me or our child. But I can't seem to make myself leave because of our daughter. (Not to mention that Andre tells me all the time how much he loves me.)

Bottom line: At what point is it OK to make a decision you know will hurt someone else just for yourself? -- UNHAPPY IN NEBRASKA

DEAR UNHAPPY: Because counseling and medication haven't helped, the time is now, while your husband can still find a woman whose values are more similar to his own than yours are.

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DEAR ABBY: "Aurora From Milwaukee" wrote that she was concerned about where she would be buried if her first husband died and she was to remarry. You replied: "Some widows (and widowers) remarry with the understanding that he or she would be buried with the first spouse. The logical and primary reason is that this will give the children from the first marriage one place to pay respects to both parents." You also said she could ask that her remains be cremated and divided equally between both husbands.

My second husband provided me with a better solution. My first husband and I were married for 25 years and had three children. We divorced on friendly terms. I had been married to my second husband for 29 years when my first husband died, leaving me to legally follow through with all his wishes. At my suggestion, the kids and my current husband went to the cemetery to make cremation arrangements. My husband stood back until the kids and I had completed the purchase of a niche for husband No. 1's urn. Then he stepped forward and said, "If it's OK with my wife, I'd like to purchase the adjoining double niche for her and for me when our time comes." The kids readily agreed, and I couldn't have been more pleased.

As I write this, the urns we purchased are already waiting in our new niche. Mine sits between husband No. 1 and husband No. 2. I hope this helps your readers recognize that not all families live in hatred of exes and stepfamilies. -- TWICE-MARRIED IN THE USA

DEAR TWICE-MARRIED: It certainly sets a worthy example. Although the subject of death and funerals is usually a downer, I must confess that some of the letters I received in response to "Aurora's" question made me smile. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In a rural cemetery in southeast Licking County (Ohio), there's a large black tombstone bearing a woman's name. She's buried between "Darling Husband George" and "Darling Husband Ray." Perhaps this will be of interest to "Aurora." -- JAMES MCC., NEWARK, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: When I was about 5 or 6, I spent part of the summer at my grandma's, and overheard her talking to her sister about a woman whose husband had died and been buried in a large family plot. Her second husband died and was also buried there. When the woman passed away, she was buried between her two husbands.

I asked Grandma if all three were holding hands down there. It took me years to live that one down. -- ARNOLD S., CENTERVILLE, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: My wife died in 1997. I'm a veteran of World War II, and we chose the usual veteran's tombstone for her grave. We had both her name and my name inscribed on the stone. She was buried in the family plot at our local cemetery.

My younger brother died in 2000. He was also a World War II vet, and his widow chose a veteran's tombstone for his grave. His widow had both his name and hers inscribed on the stone. He was buried next to my wife in the family plot.

My brother's widow and I married each other in 2002. Our marriage solved the problem posed by "Aurora." We plan to be buried beside our first spouses and second spouses. -- ROBERT IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: That letter reminded me of a similar question that appeared in your column years ago. The writer was a man who had remarried after his first wife died. He said he wanted to be buried between the two wives, "but tilt me toward Tillie." -- BETTY J., EUGENE, ORE.

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