DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our mid-30s, married 13 years. We have four wonderful young sons, ranging in age from 11 to 2, and I'm expecting our fifth and final child.

Abby, you would not believe the number of people who feel free to make comments like, "You DO know how to prevent pregnancy, don't you?" or begin to lecture me about how much it's going to cost to send them all to college.

I am a college graduate, with a career that I love and for which I am well-paid. My husband is also college-educated and successfully self-employed. We are by no means short of money. I think these things get said because we are perceived as younger than we actually are. (People often assume we're in our mid-20s, but still it's rude and oftentimes hurtful.) Our children are healthy, happy and well-cared-for.

Please give me some advice, because I'm about to lose it with the next person who says such things to me. -- MOM WHO LOVES A LARGE FAMILY

DEAR MOM: There is no end of presumptuous comments that people make, trying to be funny, trying to be "helpful" or simply out of intrusiveness. Rather than losing your temper, try to handle them with humor. For those "wits" who say, "You DO know how to prevent pregnancy, don't you?" smile and reply, "Of course we do, but our dream has always been to have a large family." (What are they going to tell you -- that you're wrong?) And to the person who lectures you about the cost of higher education, give a wink and grin, and say, "Thanks for pointing that out. When the time comes, we'll hit you up for a loan."

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl whose father is an alcoholic. Dad needs help, but he doesn't want to get it. I'm very sad and depressed that my dad is always drinking.

My mother has decided to move away with my little brother and me. She says it's for our own good because she doesn't want us to suffer what she did when she was a child. I understand and agree with her, but what is Dad going to do if we leave him? Is he going to drink more than he already does? Is he going to die? Please help me. -- SCARED ABOUT DAD, PATERSON, N.J.

DEAR SCARED: When you, your brother and your mother leave, your father will come face-to-face with what his addiction to alcohol has cost him. I can't predict what his reaction will be. On the one hand, he may drink more. On the other, it could be the shock he needs to propel him into sobriety.

Of one thing I am sure: At 14, it should not be your responsibility to "save" your father. Only he can do that. I hope that once you are all resettled, your mother will help you and your brother to join Alateen. Alateen is an international group that was started in 1957 to provide support to young people like you, whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. Once you attend a meeting, you will find you have a lot in common with everyone you meet there. To find out more about them, visit � HYPERLINK "http://www.al-anon.alateen.org" ��www.al-anon.alateen.org�.

DEAR ABBY: What do you think about church leadership (the minister and board of trustees) who would invite the congregation to an afternoon meeting in the sanctuary to address a conflict between members and leadership, and then turn off the air conditioning for the meeting in sweltering 100-plus degree heat? -- JUST WONDERING IN DALLAS

DEAR WONDERING: They may have been implying what you could expect if you didn't come around to their way of thinking.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced father of a son, 18, and a daughter who is 13. I share joint custody with my wife and spend time with them every week, depending on their schedules. My ex and I get along.

When it's time to celebrate one of our kids' events -- birthdays or graduation -- I ask if she wants to have a party for them and she tells me she doesn't, but then my kids ask me why I'm not going to be there!

We were married for 16 years, and I was always there until the divorce, which was her idea. When I ask her about these get-togethers, she says it was just her family and my kids' friends.

How should I handle not being invited to these events? It hurts me that I'm not allowed to be there for them. I am my children's family, too, and so are my parents, brothers and sisters, who would also like to attend. Should I just have a second party and not include their mother? Please tell me the best way to handle this. -- HURT IN KANSAS CITY

DEAR HURT: Regardless of how civilized your divorce may have been, and how respectfully you and your ex treat each other, perhaps you should accept that she and her family may no longer wish to socialize with you and the former in-laws. Not only would hosting your own party enable you to include whoever you want on the guest list, but I'm sure your kids would be delighted to "double their pleasure." You have come up with the solution to your own problem.

DEAR ABBY: I was a soldier serving in Iraq. Last April, I was in a vehicular accident while part of a military convoy and was MEDEVACed to the nearest medical treatment facility.

When you're a trauma patient in the United States, you're put in a cubicle in an emergency room, blocked off from the rest of the patients. That is not the case in the military during a war.

I didn't mind sharing the trauma room with the Marine who had arrived there before me. He had been shot three times in the face. While I was in the room with this brave Marine, the trauma crew fought valiantly to save his life. He flatlined seven times in just the short period after I got there. The nurses, doctors and medics worked tirelessly on him, not giving up. Finally, the doctor told them it was over, and they covered him up. I never knew his name. I lay on my litter while they started to work on my arm, which had been pinned under the truck during my accident and crushed, crying silently for the life that had been lost.

I'm writing this to you, Abby, to let that Marine's parents and friends know how hard the doctors and crew fought to save his life. Besides the medical crew, I'm the only one who knows. He wasn't just a face, or a name on a memorial to them. He was a life, and many people tried hard to keep him alive. If he had been my child, I would want to know. -- ANOTHER SOLIDER, CLARKSVILLE, TENN.

DEAR SOLDIER: Thank you for your letter, and for taking the time to share the last moments of life of that Marine. I'm sure your feelings are shared by all of the parents who have lost sons and daughters in this war, as well as the parents of those whose lives are on the line every day they serve on active duty.

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DEAR ABBY: I believe that if you call someone using a speakerphone, you should immediately inform the person you're calling that the conversation isn't private. My husband called me at work recently from our home using the speakerphone. Our children were within earshot. I commented that I was going shopping after work to buy a video game system as a Christmas gift for our son. My son heard me, and now I feel that I can't get it for him because it will no longer be a "surprise."

My husband thinks it's no big deal and doesn't feel he should have to tell the person he's calling that the conversation could be overheard.

Personally, I will from now on assume that I am on speakerphone when someone calls me until I know otherwise. But I think you would do us all a favor by alerting people to proper speakerphone etiquette. -- AGGRAVATED IN DEVILLE, LA.

DEAR AGGRAVATED: I don't blame you for being upset. Speakerphone etiquette? To allow others to listen in is a breach of trust and privacy. When I receive a phone call, I assume that the call is private -- and I'm sure my feelings are shared by at least 90 percent of the population. People should not have to "assume" they are on a speakerphone every time they take or make a phone call. Your husband owes you an apology.

P.S. Buy the video game system for your son anyway. If you don't, he'll be "surprised" -- and disappointed -- that you didn't.

DEAR ABBY: My parents had a bitter divorce. Our mother refused to be in the same room as our father, and in the end, my brother and I were always forced to choose between our parents.

When I proposed to my girlfriend, my mother forbade me to invite my father to the wedding. My fiancee and I realized that our future children would also be forced to choose between their grandparents. It was a legacy we didn't want them to inherit, so a full year before the wedding, we arranged for everyone to attend religious family counseling.

When Mother was confronted with the reality of having to forgive and compromise, she literally disowned me, saying that I was "dead" to her. Then, one by one, Mother forced each family member to choose between her and me. In the end, even my brother disowned me.

Most people say, "Good riddance" and "You're better off without them." I disagree. Where is the virtue in loving only those who love you back? As long as it doesn't disrupt my marriage, I feel I should continue to make every legal attempt to reconcile. Am I crazy? -- MICHAEL IN TEXAS

DEAR MICHAEL: You're not crazy. You are coping with abandonment in a way that is healthy for you. I wouldn't recommend it, but it's your life, and you must live it the way you see fit.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single man in my mid-30s. I have some cards, letters and pictures of the woman who was my first love. We dated through high school and for several years afterward, but broke up for good about eight years ago. I have accepted that we will never be together, but I can't seem to throw these things out. What should I do with them? -- SENTIMENTAL IN ARIZONA

DEAR SENTIMENTAL: Pack them in a box and store it in your garage or storage area. That way, they'll be out of the way, and as the saying goes, "Out of sight, out of mind."

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