DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced father of a son, 18, and a daughter who is 13. I share joint custody with my wife and spend time with them every week, depending on their schedules. My ex and I get along.

When it's time to celebrate one of our kids' events -- birthdays or graduation -- I ask if she wants to have a party for them and she tells me she doesn't, but then my kids ask me why I'm not going to be there!

We were married for 16 years, and I was always there until the divorce, which was her idea. When I ask her about these get-togethers, she says it was just her family and my kids' friends.

How should I handle not being invited to these events? It hurts me that I'm not allowed to be there for them. I am my children's family, too, and so are my parents, brothers and sisters, who would also like to attend. Should I just have a second party and not include their mother? Please tell me the best way to handle this. -- HURT IN KANSAS CITY

DEAR HURT: Regardless of how civilized your divorce may have been, and how respectfully you and your ex treat each other, perhaps you should accept that she and her family may no longer wish to socialize with you and the former in-laws. Not only would hosting your own party enable you to include whoever you want on the guest list, but I'm sure your kids would be delighted to "double their pleasure." You have come up with the solution to your own problem.

DEAR ABBY: I was a soldier serving in Iraq. Last April, I was in a vehicular accident while part of a military convoy and was MEDEVACed to the nearest medical treatment facility.

When you're a trauma patient in the United States, you're put in a cubicle in an emergency room, blocked off from the rest of the patients. That is not the case in the military during a war.

I didn't mind sharing the trauma room with the Marine who had arrived there before me. He had been shot three times in the face. While I was in the room with this brave Marine, the trauma crew fought valiantly to save his life. He flatlined seven times in just the short period after I got there. The nurses, doctors and medics worked tirelessly on him, not giving up. Finally, the doctor told them it was over, and they covered him up. I never knew his name. I lay on my litter while they started to work on my arm, which had been pinned under the truck during my accident and crushed, crying silently for the life that had been lost.

I'm writing this to you, Abby, to let that Marine's parents and friends know how hard the doctors and crew fought to save his life. Besides the medical crew, I'm the only one who knows. He wasn't just a face, or a name on a memorial to them. He was a life, and many people tried hard to keep him alive. If he had been my child, I would want to know. -- ANOTHER SOLIDER, CLARKSVILLE, TENN.

DEAR SOLDIER: Thank you for your letter, and for taking the time to share the last moments of life of that Marine. I'm sure your feelings are shared by all of the parents who have lost sons and daughters in this war, as well as the parents of those whose lives are on the line every day they serve on active duty.

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DEAR ABBY: I believe that if you call someone using a speakerphone, you should immediately inform the person you're calling that the conversation isn't private. My husband called me at work recently from our home using the speakerphone. Our children were within earshot. I commented that I was going shopping after work to buy a video game system as a Christmas gift for our son. My son heard me, and now I feel that I can't get it for him because it will no longer be a "surprise."

My husband thinks it's no big deal and doesn't feel he should have to tell the person he's calling that the conversation could be overheard.

Personally, I will from now on assume that I am on speakerphone when someone calls me until I know otherwise. But I think you would do us all a favor by alerting people to proper speakerphone etiquette. -- AGGRAVATED IN DEVILLE, LA.

DEAR AGGRAVATED: I don't blame you for being upset. Speakerphone etiquette? To allow others to listen in is a breach of trust and privacy. When I receive a phone call, I assume that the call is private -- and I'm sure my feelings are shared by at least 90 percent of the population. People should not have to "assume" they are on a speakerphone every time they take or make a phone call. Your husband owes you an apology.

P.S. Buy the video game system for your son anyway. If you don't, he'll be "surprised" -- and disappointed -- that you didn't.

DEAR ABBY: My parents had a bitter divorce. Our mother refused to be in the same room as our father, and in the end, my brother and I were always forced to choose between our parents.

When I proposed to my girlfriend, my mother forbade me to invite my father to the wedding. My fiancee and I realized that our future children would also be forced to choose between their grandparents. It was a legacy we didn't want them to inherit, so a full year before the wedding, we arranged for everyone to attend religious family counseling.

When Mother was confronted with the reality of having to forgive and compromise, she literally disowned me, saying that I was "dead" to her. Then, one by one, Mother forced each family member to choose between her and me. In the end, even my brother disowned me.

Most people say, "Good riddance" and "You're better off without them." I disagree. Where is the virtue in loving only those who love you back? As long as it doesn't disrupt my marriage, I feel I should continue to make every legal attempt to reconcile. Am I crazy? -- MICHAEL IN TEXAS

DEAR MICHAEL: You're not crazy. You are coping with abandonment in a way that is healthy for you. I wouldn't recommend it, but it's your life, and you must live it the way you see fit.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single man in my mid-30s. I have some cards, letters and pictures of the woman who was my first love. We dated through high school and for several years afterward, but broke up for good about eight years ago. I have accepted that we will never be together, but I can't seem to throw these things out. What should I do with them? -- SENTIMENTAL IN ARIZONA

DEAR SENTIMENTAL: Pack them in a box and store it in your garage or storage area. That way, they'll be out of the way, and as the saying goes, "Out of sight, out of mind."

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 18, and graduated from high school last spring. From the time I was 14, my parents and I didn't get along. But I did become close with one of my teachers. "Mr. Carson" was always there for me when I needed an adult perspective about a problem. Sometimes he was the only person I could talk to. (He talked me out of suicide a couple of times.)

Don't get me wrong; Mr. Carson was always professional. He never tried to take the place of my parents. But because I turned to him first, my parents called me a worthless daughter. They even went so far as to inform me I was no longer welcome in their home.

After that, I became depressed and made some bad choices. When I became pregnant at 17, my parents refused to let me back in their home. Mr. Carson and his wife helped me to pay for my pregnancy and get through it emotionally. When I needed advice, Mrs. Carson was always there for me.

I am now raising my baby. My son is the best thing in my life. I'd like him to meet his grandparents, but my parents refuse. I have tried everything, but now I have given up. I want my son to have a grandma and grandpa in his life. Would it be OK for me to teach my son to call the Carsons "Grandma" and "Grandpa"? They are the closest thing I have had to parents for more than a year. Or should I continue trying to get my parents to change their minds? -- PARENTLESS IN RICHMOND, N.Y.

DEAR PARENTLESS: Give your mother and father until the end of the year to change their perspective. If their attitude hasn't mellowed by then, by all means ask the Carsons if they would like to be your son's honorary grandparents. Children need love, and unlike your parents, your teacher and his wife seem to have it in abundance to give.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were married in our new home. My mother-in-law, "Minerva," became extremely offended when she was not allowed to spend our wedding night here in the house with us.

This is my husband's second marriage, and Minerva was within earshot of my husband and his first wife on their wedding night.

I say, cut the cord and respect our right to be alone on our special night. What do you say, Abby? -- NEW BRIDE IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR NEW BRIDE: I say a wedding night is a time when most new couples would like to be alone, and your mother-in-law's insensitivity and failure to respect that fact are just an opening skirmish. Be prepared.

DEAR ABBY: I am 12 and in the sixth grade. My problem is that I'm having trouble talking with girls. Every time I meet an attractive girl, I either can't speak to her, or I talk to her and sometimes she doesn't like me.

What I'm asking for are some tips on how to be a good talker and get the girl of my dreams. I'd also like to know from your girl readers what they like in a guy. -- J.C. IN ERIE, PA.

DEAR J.C.: Becoming a good talker is an acquired skill for most people. But one technique that works is to ask someone about her opinion, "What do you think about ...?" It can be something that happened in class, at school, an athletic event or something in the news. Of course, there are no guarantees that everyone you talk to will like you, but most people feel complimented when you ask their opinion.

And if you'd like some tips from my younger female readers, I'm sure they'll be happy to oblige. Readers?

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY MUSLIM READERS: Happy Eid al-Fitr!

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