DEAR ABBY: "Homer" and I have been married for more than 40 years. Last year he started sneaking around with "Mary," his girlfriend from high school who lives out of town. She came into town for a visit last year. This year, on the very same weekend, he went there.

Last year Mary told Homer he should divorce me and marry her. (She has buried two husbands already.) I spoke with Mary, and she told me that what the two of them have is "Untouchable! No one can touch it!" But he's still living here.

Homer keeps saying he's going to leave because Mary is a Christian woman. Abby, Homer doesn't even go to church. I do! It doesn't seem Christian to me to run around with a married man. Mary is promising him a lot of material things, like a big-screen TV, a recliner and two cars. He keeps coming home with things Mary has bought him: a watch, cuff links, a pair of shoes, a wallet, sweater and pants.

Is she trying to buy his love? -- LOYAL WIFE, MIAMI GARDENS, FLA.

DEAR LOYAL WIFE: It certainly appears that way. It's not so much that every day is Valentine's Day with Mary; it's more like every day is Christmas. "Good Christian women" obey the 10 Commandments. Your husband's girlfriend has broken at least three of them: Thou shalt not covet, thou shalt not commit adultery, and thou shalt not steal. A saint she ain't. It says in Romans 6:23 that "The wages of sin is death." Please point that out to Homer. It could be the reason his girlfriend has buried two husbands.

DEAR ABBY: Please tell my husband and me how to resolve a terrible argument between us and our son, "Dale," and daughter-in-law, "Faith." They haven't spoken to us since the incident occurred at our home during a Labor Day picnic. We are very upset over what happened.

Dale works a full-time job during the week, plus another one most weekends. They have three children, the youngest having just started school. Faith does not work outside the home and hasn't since she was six months pregnant with their firstborn. They live about 50 miles from us in a large apartment complex that's completely unsuitable for a young family.

My husband and I offered to loan them the down payment for a home, under the condition that Faith gets a job and shares some of the financial responsibility. With all three children in school, we see no reason why she can't work.

Abby, they both blew a gasket!

Dale told us he doesn't want his wife to work, and she confirmed it. He said he will provide a home for his family when he is able to.

We have left phone messages, but they do not return them. We were trying to be helpful and are very hurt by their blind pride and stubbornness. Our grandchildren deserve and need a decent place to live. Were we wrong? What can we do? -- NEW YORK READER

DEAR READER: You may have meant well, but by couching your offer in terms that were critical of the way your son and his wife have arranged their marriage, you emasculated him and implied that you disapprove of her lifestyle. Your next move should be to write them a note of apology, explaining that you weren't trying to meddle, and wanted only what you thought was best for them. After that, the next move is theirs.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS FROM INDIA: A Happy New Year to all of you!

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My older sister, "Katie," has three children -- an adopted son, a foster son and a biological son -- all under the age of 3. Katie and her husband took in their foster son, "Richie," only because he's the biological brother of their adopted son. They didn't know if they'd get to keep Richie or not, so Katie closed herself off to him emotionally.

During the year and a half that she has had Richie, he has become, in essence, an "invisible" child. She shows him no kindness, no positive attention and certainly no love.

I love Richie. It makes my heart ache to see him emotionally neglected. It also causes me distress to see that Katie seems blind to the way she behaves toward him. The rest of our family sees what's happening, but no one seems to know how to handle the situation.

My husband and I have been unable to have children of our own, and we currently keep Richie every weekend. We have considered taking him in ourselves, and if possible, adopting him. He loves us as much as we love him. My question is, should we (our family) stand together and try to convince Katie to open her eyes and change her ways, or would it be better for everyone involved if my husband and I were to adopt Richie? And if so, how do we do this without creating a rift in the family? -- DISTRESSED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR DISTRESSED: Whether she wants to admit it or not, your sister must be aware on some level that she's unable to love Richie as she does the other boys. I recommend that you take it slowly: The first thing that you, your husband and the extended family could do would be to "sympathize" with Katie about how hectic her life must be with three tiny toddlers on her hands. Suggest that you'd be happy to "lighten her load" by taking Richie more often. (You may find that she'll be delighted.)

Once you have established that routine, begin mentioning how hard it is for you and your husband to see him go home. After that, the next logical step would be to offer to adopt the boy -- which might provide your sister with the "out" she needs.

If she's open to it -- and let's pray that she is -- you won't have to inform child protective services that the boy is being emotionally starved and neglected. If she's not, I hope you will step in on his behalf anyway, because the damage your sister is doing to that child will affect his view of himself and the world for the rest of his life.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Bart" for 4 1/2 years. He moved into my home three years ago, and so did two of his adult children, ages 22 and 24. I have talked with his children about either getting their own place or following my rules when they live under my roof. (Most of the time they are living with girlfriends.) Bart thinks it's OK for his children to live here, not listen to us, and not give me any money to help with the bills. I don't know what to do. -- GOING CRAZY IN VIRGINIA

DEAR GOING CRAZY: Bart's "children" are living the life of Riley. Are they staying with you now? If the answer is yes, set a date for them to be out and insist upon it. If they are not, begin rethinking the way you use the spaces they were occupying and/or storing their things. Instead of a bedroom, think hobby room, exercise room, den or a storage area.

One thing is certain: If there's no bed to sleep in, it will be more difficult for them to impose upon you.

P.S. Does Bart pay his own fair share? If not, you are being taken advantage of.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I come from a very close-knit family. We always tell each other we love each other after every meeting and phone call.

My life partner, "Jennifer," has become part of our family. We can't be married because we are lesbians.

Jennifer thought a lot of my dad until last week. I was at work, and my father came by the house. I had no idea that he would ever make a move on Jennifer. She told him four times to knock it off. Dad weighs more than 220 pounds and Jennifer weighs only 95. He continued to fondle her and try to kiss her. She was scared to death. As soon as she got the chance, she ran upstairs to be with our pre-teen daughter.

Abby, this weekend I couldn't even look at my father. I didn't hug him or tell him I loved him. I wanted to beat him to the ground. I talked to my sister about this. We agreed that we shouldn't tell Mom. They have been married 37 years, and she would grieve herself to death. I don't want to drag her into this, but I don't want anything to do with my father right now either. Dad says he "doesn't know what's wrong" with me and that he was "very hurt" after seeing me last weekend because I was so cold to him. Please advise me on what I should do. -- FURIOUS IN VIRGINIA

DEAR FURIOUS: I disagree with you and your sister. Your mother should be told immediately exactly what happened. Your father sexually assaulted your partner. Because an extreme change in behavior can be a sign of serious mental or physical illness, he needs to be scheduled for a complete physical and neurological evaluation.

Please do not postpone it. Your father has shown himself to be a danger to your partner, and possibly to your daughter as she begins to develop. I am sorry for your mother, but you can't protect her from this. For everyone's sake -- including your father's -- this must be dealt with now.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are child-free 30-somethings who own a home with a yard and no fence. Our house and yard are a sanctuary from our hectic professional lives.

Lately, the neighbor's cat has been using our yard as a place to recline, and it hisses at me angrily when I tell it to go home. I'm not fond of cats, and I'm actually afraid of this one. Also, another neighbor and his kids have been using our yard as a thoroughfare from the property behind us to their own yard, which has a fence.

I don't go into other people's yards. I respect the space of other people. I expect that respect in return, and don't want people tramping through our yard. We plan to plant more flower beds in the future, and they will be in the way of their path. Am I curmudgeonly to feel this way, or should other people respect our privacy and property? -- ENCROACHED UPON IN FLORIDA

DEAR ENCROACHED UPON: They should respect your privacy, property and expressed wishes -- but it appears they don't. So surround your property either with a hedge or an attractive fence. And as to the cat that is "menacing" you, tell its owners that unless they keep it off your property, you will inform animal control. (Then do it if necessary).

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)