DEAR ABBY: My older sister, "Katie," has three children -- an adopted son, a foster son and a biological son -- all under the age of 3. Katie and her husband took in their foster son, "Richie," only because he's the biological brother of their adopted son. They didn't know if they'd get to keep Richie or not, so Katie closed herself off to him emotionally.

During the year and a half that she has had Richie, he has become, in essence, an "invisible" child. She shows him no kindness, no positive attention and certainly no love.

I love Richie. It makes my heart ache to see him emotionally neglected. It also causes me distress to see that Katie seems blind to the way she behaves toward him. The rest of our family sees what's happening, but no one seems to know how to handle the situation.

My husband and I have been unable to have children of our own, and we currently keep Richie every weekend. We have considered taking him in ourselves, and if possible, adopting him. He loves us as much as we love him. My question is, should we (our family) stand together and try to convince Katie to open her eyes and change her ways, or would it be better for everyone involved if my husband and I were to adopt Richie? And if so, how do we do this without creating a rift in the family? -- DISTRESSED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR DISTRESSED: Whether she wants to admit it or not, your sister must be aware on some level that she's unable to love Richie as she does the other boys. I recommend that you take it slowly: The first thing that you, your husband and the extended family could do would be to "sympathize" with Katie about how hectic her life must be with three tiny toddlers on her hands. Suggest that you'd be happy to "lighten her load" by taking Richie more often. (You may find that she'll be delighted.)

Once you have established that routine, begin mentioning how hard it is for you and your husband to see him go home. After that, the next logical step would be to offer to adopt the boy -- which might provide your sister with the "out" she needs.

If she's open to it -- and let's pray that she is -- you won't have to inform child protective services that the boy is being emotionally starved and neglected. If she's not, I hope you will step in on his behalf anyway, because the damage your sister is doing to that child will affect his view of himself and the world for the rest of his life.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Bart" for 4 1/2 years. He moved into my home three years ago, and so did two of his adult children, ages 22 and 24. I have talked with his children about either getting their own place or following my rules when they live under my roof. (Most of the time they are living with girlfriends.) Bart thinks it's OK for his children to live here, not listen to us, and not give me any money to help with the bills. I don't know what to do. -- GOING CRAZY IN VIRGINIA

DEAR GOING CRAZY: Bart's "children" are living the life of Riley. Are they staying with you now? If the answer is yes, set a date for them to be out and insist upon it. If they are not, begin rethinking the way you use the spaces they were occupying and/or storing their things. Instead of a bedroom, think hobby room, exercise room, den or a storage area.

One thing is certain: If there's no bed to sleep in, it will be more difficult for them to impose upon you.

P.S. Does Bart pay his own fair share? If not, you are being taken advantage of.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I come from a very close-knit family. We always tell each other we love each other after every meeting and phone call.

My life partner, "Jennifer," has become part of our family. We can't be married because we are lesbians.

Jennifer thought a lot of my dad until last week. I was at work, and my father came by the house. I had no idea that he would ever make a move on Jennifer. She told him four times to knock it off. Dad weighs more than 220 pounds and Jennifer weighs only 95. He continued to fondle her and try to kiss her. She was scared to death. As soon as she got the chance, she ran upstairs to be with our pre-teen daughter.

Abby, this weekend I couldn't even look at my father. I didn't hug him or tell him I loved him. I wanted to beat him to the ground. I talked to my sister about this. We agreed that we shouldn't tell Mom. They have been married 37 years, and she would grieve herself to death. I don't want to drag her into this, but I don't want anything to do with my father right now either. Dad says he "doesn't know what's wrong" with me and that he was "very hurt" after seeing me last weekend because I was so cold to him. Please advise me on what I should do. -- FURIOUS IN VIRGINIA

DEAR FURIOUS: I disagree with you and your sister. Your mother should be told immediately exactly what happened. Your father sexually assaulted your partner. Because an extreme change in behavior can be a sign of serious mental or physical illness, he needs to be scheduled for a complete physical and neurological evaluation.

Please do not postpone it. Your father has shown himself to be a danger to your partner, and possibly to your daughter as she begins to develop. I am sorry for your mother, but you can't protect her from this. For everyone's sake -- including your father's -- this must be dealt with now.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are child-free 30-somethings who own a home with a yard and no fence. Our house and yard are a sanctuary from our hectic professional lives.

Lately, the neighbor's cat has been using our yard as a place to recline, and it hisses at me angrily when I tell it to go home. I'm not fond of cats, and I'm actually afraid of this one. Also, another neighbor and his kids have been using our yard as a thoroughfare from the property behind us to their own yard, which has a fence.

I don't go into other people's yards. I respect the space of other people. I expect that respect in return, and don't want people tramping through our yard. We plan to plant more flower beds in the future, and they will be in the way of their path. Am I curmudgeonly to feel this way, or should other people respect our privacy and property? -- ENCROACHED UPON IN FLORIDA

DEAR ENCROACHED UPON: They should respect your privacy, property and expressed wishes -- but it appears they don't. So surround your property either with a hedge or an attractive fence. And as to the cat that is "menacing" you, tell its owners that unless they keep it off your property, you will inform animal control. (Then do it if necessary).

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 21-year-old woman who is happily married to a wonderful man. My best friend is a guy I'll call "Tom." We have been friends for four years. My husband likes Tom, trusts me and has no problem with it.

The problem is Tom's live-in girlfriend, "Ginny." Ginny doesn't like or trust me. She doesn't like any of Tom's other friends, either. (Most of his friends are female.) Abby, Tom is not a flirt. He's loyal to Ginny and would never dream of cheating.

Ginny is extremely insecure. She goes haywire if Tom has any contact with any of us -- so he has begun sneaking around behind her back to hang with us. I'm uncomfortable with the sneaking around because it makes me feel we're doing something wrong when we aren't, but it seems to be the only solution.

Tom and Ginny are not engaged, but they're in the process of trying to buy or build a house together. He acts like he's unhappy in the relationship, but seems afraid to stand up for himself. What should I do? -- TOM'S BEST FRIEND IN FORT WORTH

DEAR BEST FRIEND: You, your husband and some of Tom's other friends should stage an intervention with him. Warn Tom that sneaking around and trying to fool Ginny won't work. At some point she'll catch on and erupt like Mount Vesuvius -- and who could blame her? Instead of behaving like an adult and informing his girlfriend that if the relationship is to continue, she'll have to accept that he has platonic female friends, he's taking the coward's way out.

A home is the largest investment most people make in their lifetimes. Tom should carefully consider the wisdom of making an investment like this with Ginny under the circumstances. If you can't make him see reason, then urge him to discuss it with a lawyer. You'll be doing him a huge favor.

P.S. And while you're at it, do yourself a favor. Distance yourself from Tom a bit, until he works this out.

DEAR ABBY: My parents are planning a family vacation -- it's an annual tradition in my family. The problem is my sister-in-law has been inviting members of her family without consulting my parents beforehand.

This is supposed to be a special event that both my parents and I feel should be limited to only our side of the family, not hers. We feel helpless to stop her from inviting everyone in her family, because we don't know how to tell her, "Please stop because this is not an open invitation event."

She has done this before with other events, and the results were chaotic. The last thing we want is to have this vacation in chaos, but if her family is there it will be inevitable.

What can we do to stop this without stirring up a hornet's nest? Or must we all smile through gritted teeth all throughout this vacation? -- GRITTING AWAY IN SAN JOSE

DEAR GRITTING AWAY: It's time your parents stop gritting their teeth and bite the bullet. Because they are planning this family getaway, it's up to them to tell their son and his wife that this isn't a cattle call -- and the invitations she issued will have to be postponed for another occasion (when you all will have been fortified with tranquilizers).

DEAR ABBY: I am being married soon, but the engagement has not yet been formally announced. I am 42 years old, and this will be my first wedding.

Although I know my friends and family will be happy for me, I anticipate a number of people saying, "It's about time -- what took so long?" They'll think they are being funny, but really, it's a sensitive subject and it makes me want to respond with a sarcastic retort. What's an appropriate response so I can take the high road? -- WANTS TO BE POLITE IN CALIF.

DEAR WANTS TO BE POLITE: Smile and say, "I wanted to be sure I got it right the first time."

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

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