DEAR ABBY: I'm a 21-year-old woman who is happily married to a wonderful man. My best friend is a guy I'll call "Tom." We have been friends for four years. My husband likes Tom, trusts me and has no problem with it.

The problem is Tom's live-in girlfriend, "Ginny." Ginny doesn't like or trust me. She doesn't like any of Tom's other friends, either. (Most of his friends are female.) Abby, Tom is not a flirt. He's loyal to Ginny and would never dream of cheating.

Ginny is extremely insecure. She goes haywire if Tom has any contact with any of us -- so he has begun sneaking around behind her back to hang with us. I'm uncomfortable with the sneaking around because it makes me feel we're doing something wrong when we aren't, but it seems to be the only solution.

Tom and Ginny are not engaged, but they're in the process of trying to buy or build a house together. He acts like he's unhappy in the relationship, but seems afraid to stand up for himself. What should I do? -- TOM'S BEST FRIEND IN FORT WORTH

DEAR BEST FRIEND: You, your husband and some of Tom's other friends should stage an intervention with him. Warn Tom that sneaking around and trying to fool Ginny won't work. At some point she'll catch on and erupt like Mount Vesuvius -- and who could blame her? Instead of behaving like an adult and informing his girlfriend that if the relationship is to continue, she'll have to accept that he has platonic female friends, he's taking the coward's way out.

A home is the largest investment most people make in their lifetimes. Tom should carefully consider the wisdom of making an investment like this with Ginny under the circumstances. If you can't make him see reason, then urge him to discuss it with a lawyer. You'll be doing him a huge favor.

P.S. And while you're at it, do yourself a favor. Distance yourself from Tom a bit, until he works this out.

DEAR ABBY: My parents are planning a family vacation -- it's an annual tradition in my family. The problem is my sister-in-law has been inviting members of her family without consulting my parents beforehand.

This is supposed to be a special event that both my parents and I feel should be limited to only our side of the family, not hers. We feel helpless to stop her from inviting everyone in her family, because we don't know how to tell her, "Please stop because this is not an open invitation event."

She has done this before with other events, and the results were chaotic. The last thing we want is to have this vacation in chaos, but if her family is there it will be inevitable.

What can we do to stop this without stirring up a hornet's nest? Or must we all smile through gritted teeth all throughout this vacation? -- GRITTING AWAY IN SAN JOSE

DEAR GRITTING AWAY: It's time your parents stop gritting their teeth and bite the bullet. Because they are planning this family getaway, it's up to them to tell their son and his wife that this isn't a cattle call -- and the invitations she issued will have to be postponed for another occasion (when you all will have been fortified with tranquilizers).

DEAR ABBY: I am being married soon, but the engagement has not yet been formally announced. I am 42 years old, and this will be my first wedding.

Although I know my friends and family will be happy for me, I anticipate a number of people saying, "It's about time -- what took so long?" They'll think they are being funny, but really, it's a sensitive subject and it makes me want to respond with a sarcastic retort. What's an appropriate response so I can take the high road? -- WANTS TO BE POLITE IN CALIF.

DEAR WANTS TO BE POLITE: Smile and say, "I wanted to be sure I got it right the first time."

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have just started college, and I'm afraid I made a mistake in my selection of colleges. My decision was between two schools. One was in my home state and fairly close to my family; the other was out of state. I chose to attend the college in my home state because it is ranked slightly higher academically and because the tuition would be significantly less.

The school I rejected is located in a large city that's very different from where I live. Abby, I can't help but feel that I have made a mistake. I'm afraid I'm going to miss out on the experience of living someplace different and being away from home. I don't want to be haunted by the "what if" factor, but it's always in the back of my mind. I worry that I'll spend the next four years wondering how my life might have been if I had gone to the out-of-state school. How can I stop feeling this way? -- NEW COLLEGE STUDENT

DEAR STUDENT: At some point or another, everyone wonders what would have happened if they had turned left instead of turning right in their lives. It's normal -- as long as it doesn't become an obsession. My advice is to relax and enjoy this first taste of campus life, and if you still feel the need to experience the "big city," transfer in your junior year. If you still want to, that is.

DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to an otherwise great guy I'll call "Wayne," who has a bad habit. He calls me by his ex-wife's name. The first couple of times it happened, I called it a mistake. But now it happens habitually, and I'm at my wit's end.

Wayne says I should be more forgiving because they were married a long time and have kids together. I say they divorced for a reason. They have been apart almost five years, and his ex has remarried. He has dated other women before me. Her name should be out of his vocabulary by now. Wayne claims this also happened with the other women he dated, and they didn't make such a big fuss. He blames it on my insecurities.

Am I making too big a deal of this, or am I entitled to my feelings? I've had nightmares about it happening at the altar. I don't think I'd be big enough to forgive that. What do you think? -- WHAT'S IN A NAME? RICHMOND, VA.

DEAR WHAT'S IN A NAME: The answer to both of your questions is yes. You are entitled to your feelings, and you are making too big a deal out of it. One of the nice things about standing at the altar is no matter how nervous one gets, all a person has to do is repeat what the clergyperson says, and/or say, "I do." Perhaps it's time you composed a list of all of the things that make Wayne special, and learn how to laugh and joke about his one shortcoming. I guarantee that if you do, you'll both be happier.

DEAR ABBY: What's the correct protocol for parents of a newly engaged couple to meet? Should the bride's parents make the initial contact to the parents of the groom to arrange a meeting, or vice versa? This has been bugging me for some time. -- BUGGED IN BURR RIDGE, ILL.

DEAR BUGGED: The groom's family should make the first move. However, if they don't, then the bride's parents should take the initiative. Remember, above all, that this is supposed to be a happy occasion for all concerned, so it's important that ill feelings be kept to a minimum and the benefit of the doubt be extended along with the hand of friendship.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm an American soldier serving in Iraq. When I went on leave for two weeks to see my family, I found out that my wife had posted a profile in a chat room on a public Web site. When I asked her about it, she denied it. When I showed her what I had found, she confessed.

I wouldn't have been upset, but she lied to me -- besides, the profile presented her as single. It included a picture and information about how she looks and what she's "looking for." This has really put a dent in our marriage. I can't trust her, particularly from over here. She claims it was a one-time thing because she was bored.

I don't want to leave her and my three daughters, but now I have no trust in her whatsoever. It's tearing me up inside. Everything she does I question, and it's wrecking our marriage. I want to trust her, but what should I do? Please help me. -- SSG HURTING IN IRAQ

DEAR SSG HURTING: Until your tour of duty is over, your most important priority must be your own safety. That means you must develop tunnel vision for a while and think of nothing but yourself and your mission. For now, accept what your wife says. Time and distance can do strange things to people's relationships, and there is nothing more stressful than what both of you are experiencing right now.

If your daughters are being well taken care of, accept that for the time being. When your tour of duty is over, there will be time to deal with this -- through marriage counseling or spiritual counseling. So listen up: Please trust me and stay strong.

DEAR ABBY: When I was a student, I was encouraged to further my education. I hold two bachelor of arts degrees plus extensive training in emergency services. To my dismay, however, having an education has been a problem, not a plus, for me in my employment.

People tell me I am "overeducated" for the job I so dearly love. It didn't bother me until I took a new job that required both my college degree and my technical training. One co-worker complained that my education "intimidated her" so much she "felt she couldn't do her job." Our supervisor said it was my fault that she was lashing out at me.

Since then I have moved away from that city. I have asked several friends about the "intimidating education factor" and was told it's also the reason I'm still single. I know that having an education is important, and I don't understand why it's having a crippling effect on my life. (I'm not pompous about my education. People have asked and I've told them.) What I don't tell them is I have a "genius" IQ, but it apparently shows when I talk. How do I cope with this? Is it me, or the society we live in? -- OVEREDUCATED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR OVEREDUCATED: Although I have never met you face-to-face, I can tell you with some certainty that it isn't the society we live in. So, that leaves "you." The problem isn't that you are "overeducated." It may be something to do with your personality -- the way you present yourself and the way others perceive you. I have met "brilliant" people whom I would describe as intellectual super-athletes. Some of them are socially adept and make those around them feel comfortable, regardless of their level of education. However, some of them are not. You may fall into the latter category.

I would recommend that you now invest in a different kind of "education" -- the "University of You." In other words, find a psychologist who can help you figure out why, with so much to offer, you are not able to fit in. It will be money well spent.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)