DEAR ABBY: Just before my daughter returned to college, my wife and I took her and her boyfriend, "Justin," out to dinner. It was the first time we'd met him, although they have been going out for about six months. They attend colleges a good distance apart, and see each other about once a month but talk daily.

As the dinner conversation progressed, I asked Justin what his major was and what he plans to do after college. He said he wants to be in the film industry. I asked what he planned to do if it didn't work out. He responded, "Go into the family business." I asked what business Justin's family was in. He responded that his family didn't have a business, that he had meant our family business. Then he said, by the way, he would change how we were running it to produce more cash by slowing down our expansion plans. I was speechless. My daughter told us later that she and Justin had never discussed it before.

My wife and I are in our 40s. We don't plan on retiring soon, or letting any of our own kids take over running the business. My wife says we should drop it. I think we should make it clear to Justin that our family business should not be his backup plan. If he did marry our daughter and wanted to come to work for the family business, he might be welcome. However, he certainly would not have the control he thinks he would. What are your thoughts on this matter, Abby? -- NOT READY TO RETIRE IN N.Y.

DEAR NOT READY TO RETIRE: I'll say this for Justin, he has youth and enthusiasm going for him; he speaks his mind and his contingency plan shows he has an eye to the future. Your wife is telling you to let it drop in the hope that the romance will go nowhere. However, on the chance that it will go forward, you'd be doing the young man a favor to bring him back to planet Earth regarding your business.

P.S. If I were you, I'd think long and hard before deciding to welcome him into it.

DEAR ABBY: I am 19, and six months pregnant by a 28-year-old man. My pregnancy was a shock. At the time I became pregnant I had a job, but three months ago the business downsized and I was laid off.

My boyfriend is in jail and will be for the next two years. He has promised that we'll be together when he gets out, but I'm not sure if I believe him. He has two other kids with two other women, and he didn't stay with either of them.

My aunt has been paying my rent for me or I would be out on the street. I'm afraid, because I don't know how I can survive and support another living person. I had considered going to college, but how can I work, go to school and take care of a baby all by myself?

I don't want to have to depend on my aunt for everything. She says I should place my baby for adoption, but I'm not sure she's right. I took the responsibility of making this baby, so I believe it's my responsibility to face the consequences of raising it until the day I die. Can you help me decide what to do? I guess you could say my life is one big mess, and I don't know how to get out of it. -- SCARED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR SCARED: A baby is supposed to be a blessing, not a "consequence." You are an intelligent young woman, and you are asking the right questions. Your aunt may have the right idea. Sit down with a pencil and paper and ask yourself, "What can I give to this baby?" Then ask yourself what a couple who wants a child but is unable to have one of their own could do for it. It is possible that the most loving gift you could give your baby is a family who would love it and provide for it in a way that you cannot.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 35-year-old lesbian. I have a wonderful partner and we have an amazing 10-year-old son. My problem is, we seem to offend people when we refer to ourselves as a "family." I have had people correct me, sometimes even suggesting that I refer to my family as "my friend and my son" or "my friend and her son" (depending on who they think is the biological mother).

Abby, this woman is more than my friend. She's my partner, my life mate, my support and my co-parent. We try to be sensitive to people's beliefs and not call each other "wife" or refer to our union as a "marriage," but how far do we have to take this? We are a family. Our son calls us both "Mom."

We aren't "in your face" with our lifestyle, but to deny our partnership is to deny our son his family. We generally refer to each other as "my partner," which I think is an inoffensive term, but even that can send some people into a snit.

How should we handle people who want to redefine us? Why is it so hard for them to acknowledge that, untraditional though we may be, we are a family? -- TRYING NOT TO OFFEND IN TEXAS

DEAR TRYING NOT TO OFFEND: Forgive me if this seems negative, but some people are so rooted in their fundamentalist ideology that they cannot and will not change. Please don't waste your time or breath trying to reach or teach them. The way to handle people who want to force you into their mold is to avoid them. Try it. You'll be a lot happier, and so will they.

DEAR ABBY: My grandson, "Curtis," will be 5 this year. I have promised him since he was old enough to walk and talk that I'd take him to Disney World for his fifth birthday. It has always been taken for granted that we'd include my youngest daughter and her best friend, "Trish."

At the time we discussed the trip, Trish's parents had good jobs. However, fast-forward several years and things have changed. Both of them have lost their jobs. Their home was foreclosed on, and they now live in a rental house and struggle to make ends meet.

I am also having a hard time financially, but I have been diligent in saving what I can to take Curtis to that magical place he has always dreamed of. We plan to fly there and stay on the grounds, which can be quite expensive.

Would it be rude to ask that Trish's parents at least pay for her ticket into the theme park? We never discussed who would be paying. My family thinks it would be rude, and would jeopardize Trish's chances of coming with us. When people invite my kids anywhere, I have always offered to repay the family for the expenses involved. I don't want to hurt or offend anyone. What should I do? -- READY TO GO IN HOUSTON

DEAR READY TO GO: It would not be rude to tell Trish's parents when your trip is scheduled, and what the costs involved will be. As a matter of fact, it would be presumptuous of them to expect you to foot the bill for their daughter. If the cost is too great for them at this time, a nice gift from Disney World would at least let Trish know you were thinking of her while you were away.

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DEAR ABBY: Today was my son's fourth birthday. I gave him a party. Some of the children who came were dropped off by their parents.

One of the boys started grabbing my son's gifts and opening them. But the real trouble began when my mother grabbed him by the arm and pulled him roughly away. This happened twice before my husband could make it across the room and tell Mother to stop it immediately.

I am very worried about my mother. She's 64 and seems to be losing her mind. Her displays of nervous and strange behavior are increasing. Her mother, my grandmother, was a paranoid schizophrenic, and I have often believed my mother might have some type of psychiatric condition.

How do I tell her she needs to talk to someone before this escalates further? I allow her to baby-sit my son for short stints only, and now I'm questioning any further "alone time" at all for them. She calls me constantly, insisting that she wants to see him. Is there an easy way to tell your own mother that you think she is close to "losing it"? If I'm going to gear up for the conversation, I want her to take me seriously. Thank you for your input. -- WORRIED DAUGHTER IN DENVER

DEAR DAUGHTER: No, there is no "easy way." Do you have siblings? Does your mother? Does she have any close friends who also might have noticed her bizarre behavior? If there are, talk to them and get examples.

It might be better if you and your husband approach your mother together. Tell her you are very concerned about her mental and physical health -- and give her chapter and verse about why. Then offer to go with her to her doctor for a complete physical and neurological checkup. If she refuses, remember that you have an important bargaining chip -- your son. Under no circumstances should he spend unsupervised time with his grandmother unless you are absolutely certain that it's safe for him to do so.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "George," and I have been married 22 years. We have four teenagers. Five years ago, we decided to leave the West Coast and move back east to be closer to family.

George moved first. The children and I stayed behind until our house was sold and the school year had ended. We commuted as often as possible, but commuter marriages are never easy.

During our separation, George had an affair with a woman, and she became pregnant. A paternity test confirmed that he is the father. George was very remorseful, and we decided to save our marriage. He promised he would never see the woman again, nor would he have a relationship with the child, who is now 4. (He pays child support through the woman's attorney.)

Recently, she has begun breaking her part of the agreement by sending photos of the boy, with occasional letters about his progress. Abby, if our marriage is to survive this affair, there must be absolutely no contact. I don't want my children to know about this child, or my family to suffer further. What should I do? -- ANONYMOUS WIFE IN THE EAST

DEAR WIFE: I understand your feelings, but I am not sure they're realistic. It may not be possible to keep knowledge about this half-sibling from your children indefinitely because there is no guarantee he won't show up one day asking for answers -- which he is entitled to.

Has it occurred to you that the real "victim" in this mess is the child, and not you? You may not want to hear this, but my advice to you is to open your heart, recognize that the boy is a reality that should not be ignored, and relent.

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