DEAR ABBY: I am a 35-year-old lesbian. I have a wonderful partner and we have an amazing 10-year-old son. My problem is, we seem to offend people when we refer to ourselves as a "family." I have had people correct me, sometimes even suggesting that I refer to my family as "my friend and my son" or "my friend and her son" (depending on who they think is the biological mother).

Abby, this woman is more than my friend. She's my partner, my life mate, my support and my co-parent. We try to be sensitive to people's beliefs and not call each other "wife" or refer to our union as a "marriage," but how far do we have to take this? We are a family. Our son calls us both "Mom."

We aren't "in your face" with our lifestyle, but to deny our partnership is to deny our son his family. We generally refer to each other as "my partner," which I think is an inoffensive term, but even that can send some people into a snit.

How should we handle people who want to redefine us? Why is it so hard for them to acknowledge that, untraditional though we may be, we are a family? -- TRYING NOT TO OFFEND IN TEXAS

DEAR TRYING NOT TO OFFEND: Forgive me if this seems negative, but some people are so rooted in their fundamentalist ideology that they cannot and will not change. Please don't waste your time or breath trying to reach or teach them. The way to handle people who want to force you into their mold is to avoid them. Try it. You'll be a lot happier, and so will they.

DEAR ABBY: My grandson, "Curtis," will be 5 this year. I have promised him since he was old enough to walk and talk that I'd take him to Disney World for his fifth birthday. It has always been taken for granted that we'd include my youngest daughter and her best friend, "Trish."

At the time we discussed the trip, Trish's parents had good jobs. However, fast-forward several years and things have changed. Both of them have lost their jobs. Their home was foreclosed on, and they now live in a rental house and struggle to make ends meet.

I am also having a hard time financially, but I have been diligent in saving what I can to take Curtis to that magical place he has always dreamed of. We plan to fly there and stay on the grounds, which can be quite expensive.

Would it be rude to ask that Trish's parents at least pay for her ticket into the theme park? We never discussed who would be paying. My family thinks it would be rude, and would jeopardize Trish's chances of coming with us. When people invite my kids anywhere, I have always offered to repay the family for the expenses involved. I don't want to hurt or offend anyone. What should I do? -- READY TO GO IN HOUSTON

DEAR READY TO GO: It would not be rude to tell Trish's parents when your trip is scheduled, and what the costs involved will be. As a matter of fact, it would be presumptuous of them to expect you to foot the bill for their daughter. If the cost is too great for them at this time, a nice gift from Disney World would at least let Trish know you were thinking of her while you were away.

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DEAR ABBY: Today was my son's fourth birthday. I gave him a party. Some of the children who came were dropped off by their parents.

One of the boys started grabbing my son's gifts and opening them. But the real trouble began when my mother grabbed him by the arm and pulled him roughly away. This happened twice before my husband could make it across the room and tell Mother to stop it immediately.

I am very worried about my mother. She's 64 and seems to be losing her mind. Her displays of nervous and strange behavior are increasing. Her mother, my grandmother, was a paranoid schizophrenic, and I have often believed my mother might have some type of psychiatric condition.

How do I tell her she needs to talk to someone before this escalates further? I allow her to baby-sit my son for short stints only, and now I'm questioning any further "alone time" at all for them. She calls me constantly, insisting that she wants to see him. Is there an easy way to tell your own mother that you think she is close to "losing it"? If I'm going to gear up for the conversation, I want her to take me seriously. Thank you for your input. -- WORRIED DAUGHTER IN DENVER

DEAR DAUGHTER: No, there is no "easy way." Do you have siblings? Does your mother? Does she have any close friends who also might have noticed her bizarre behavior? If there are, talk to them and get examples.

It might be better if you and your husband approach your mother together. Tell her you are very concerned about her mental and physical health -- and give her chapter and verse about why. Then offer to go with her to her doctor for a complete physical and neurological checkup. If she refuses, remember that you have an important bargaining chip -- your son. Under no circumstances should he spend unsupervised time with his grandmother unless you are absolutely certain that it's safe for him to do so.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "George," and I have been married 22 years. We have four teenagers. Five years ago, we decided to leave the West Coast and move back east to be closer to family.

George moved first. The children and I stayed behind until our house was sold and the school year had ended. We commuted as often as possible, but commuter marriages are never easy.

During our separation, George had an affair with a woman, and she became pregnant. A paternity test confirmed that he is the father. George was very remorseful, and we decided to save our marriage. He promised he would never see the woman again, nor would he have a relationship with the child, who is now 4. (He pays child support through the woman's attorney.)

Recently, she has begun breaking her part of the agreement by sending photos of the boy, with occasional letters about his progress. Abby, if our marriage is to survive this affair, there must be absolutely no contact. I don't want my children to know about this child, or my family to suffer further. What should I do? -- ANONYMOUS WIFE IN THE EAST

DEAR WIFE: I understand your feelings, but I am not sure they're realistic. It may not be possible to keep knowledge about this half-sibling from your children indefinitely because there is no guarantee he won't show up one day asking for answers -- which he is entitled to.

Has it occurred to you that the real "victim" in this mess is the child, and not you? You may not want to hear this, but my advice to you is to open your heart, recognize that the boy is a reality that should not be ignored, and relent.

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DEAR ABBY: When my beloved Mama died early this year, she left behind hundreds -- if not thousands -- of dollars worth of various medicines.

My sister and I called every hospital, shelter, clinic and aid agency we could think of, but not one could give medicine to people unless it had come directly from a pharmacy. Finally, someone suggested that we call our veterinarian.

Voila! It turned out that many of the gauzes, tapes, antibiotic and antihistamine creams, pain patches, pills, inhalers, glucose regulators, collection pans, gloves and other miscellaneous items could be used on animals!

Mama would be so pleased to know that we found a good use for her old meds. -- IN MEMORY OF MAMA

DEAR "MEMORY": I loved your idea, so I ran it by the California Veterinary Medical Board, which also thought it was terrific. They explained that certain medical supplies such as gauze tape, collection pans and gloves are welcome donations.

However, numerous state and federal laws prohibit the transfer of prescription or controlled drugs. So antibiotics, antihistamine creams, pain patches, pills and inhalers must be disposed of in compliance with whatever laws and regulations are in place in each state, because they can vary.

DEAR ABBY: When I go out to dinner with men, they usually pick up the check. On occasion, I will insist on reciprocating by buying their meal.

When I go to lunch or dinner with girlfriends, I typically like to pay. I am by no means wealthy, but I'm not struggling with finances either. My problem is one girlfriend in particular who insists on splitting the check. I have always thought that was tacky.

I know the obvious solution would be to let her pay every other time, but she isn't in a position to treat at some of the restaurants we go to. Am I being overbearing? Or is my girlfriend too old-fashioned? (I'm 24 and she's 62.) -- PICKING UP THE CHECK IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR PICKING: Splitting the check isn't tacky; it's common practice. Sometimes the "burden of gratitude" can grow heavy, so instead of arm-wrestling your friend, eat at a less-expensive restaurant, let her pull her own weight, keep her dignity and pay her half of the bill.

DEAR ABBY: My live-in boyfriend "Gary's" attitude did a complete "180" after we moved in together. He went from being nice and wanting to go out and do things, to spending all the free time he had watching television. He is also not nice to my 7-year-old son.

Because the boy lives here, I have given Gary one year to change his act. Is that too long? I'm not sure I want to continue this relationship, but I can't afford to live on my own. -- DOING POORLY IN PROSPERITY, PA.

DEAR DOING POORLY: Yes, a year is too long. By then, your son may have emotional issues that will cost a fortune to fix. Tell Gary you expect an immediate attitude change or the relationship is over. As to how you will afford to live on your own -- think back to what you were doing before you met him. You got along without him before you met him, and you're going to get along without him now.

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