DEAR ABBY: "Lost in San Mateo" asked how she should deal with her longtime friend, "Heather." The two of them had been drinking, and Heather, who was driving, got into a car accident. Now Heather refuses to discuss the accident, and "Lost" asked you, "Don't you think I'm the victim?"

Although you counseled "Lost" well in how to deal with her friend, you failed to point out her own responsibility in that accident. Although Heather was at the wheel, they were both responsible for not arranging their outing to include a designated driver. Therefore, they should equally share the blame for what happened.

In my opinion, not starting out the night with a clear plan of who would remain sober was a mistake made by both of them. -- OFTEN THE DESIGNATED DRIVER, WINTERS, CALIF.

DEAR DESIGNATED DRIVER: That's true. (And it's an all-too-common mistake.) You are one of many readers who felt that "Lost" had a hand in her own fate. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Lost" refers to herself as a "victim." She is only the victim of her own stupidity! She was drunk and got into a car with another drunk, so she's just as guilty as her friend. The other girl feels guilty. That's the reason she didn't come to visit. Would you want to look at your busted-up friend while you had no visible injuries? The anger that "Lost" is feeling is only because she got hurt and her friend didn't. -- SEEN IT BEFORE, YUKON, OKLA.

DEAR ABBY: "Lost" got into the car. She was willing to let her friend shoulder the responsibility of driving, and now claims she was too drunk to know how smashed her friend was. Baloney! If that is the case, she should allow her friend to use the same excuse. What would have happened if "Lost" had not been injured? Would she have helped with the fines, jail time, damaged car or raised insurance rates? Her friend probably does feel guilty, but there were two "victims" here, and both are equally to blame. Now "Lost" is willing to end a 20-year friendship because she can't own up to her own part in all of this? Some friend! -- TIRED OF EXCUSES, HELENA, MONT.

DEAR ABBY: Rather than being angry and resentful against her friend, "Lost in San Mateo" should thank the Lord that she's still alive and vow not to get herself into that situation again. A responsible adult does not allow herself to become incapacitated. No one forced alcohol down her throat against her will.

I am an ER nurse. We see these drunk party girls all the time, and it's typical for everything to be someone else's fault. What they fail to realize is that when they become that impaired, they are prime targets not only for car accidents, but for carjackers, purse thieves, date rapists, and worse.

Those two got by easy this time. I hope they regard it as a wake-up call! -- SHERRILL IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: Both girls should take a hard look in the mirror and admit their own guilt. They are both lucky to be alive and that no innocent people were maimed or killed because of their foolishness. -- RECOVERING IN MINNESOTA

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My son-in-law insists on walking around naked after his shower. He claims that he's hot and must let his hemorrhoids air-dry. Abby, this man has four children, three of whom are girls ages 9, 7 and 4. My daughter has done everything from plead to scream to get him to stop this habit, yet he still emerges from the bathroom with the announcement, "Turn your heads, girls, I'm naked!"

What more can my daughter do to get him to understand how potentially dangerous this is? -- DISGUSTED IN JAMESON, MO.

DEAR DISGUSTED: I discussed your letter with Dr. Stephen Kuchenbecker, a respected colorectal surgeon in Los Angeles. He informs me that while hemorrhoid sufferers are advised not to rub that tender area of the body, they are encouraged to gently "pat" dry or even use a hand-held hair dryer to be sure the hemorrhoids are free of moisture.

It is not appropriate for your son-in-law to parade around in front of the girls. My suggested aversion therapy: The next time he makes his grand entrance, your daughter and the girls should point at his lower midsection and start laughing. If that proves ineffective, she should buy a long extension cord for her hair dryer, and warn her spouse that if he doesn't dry his hemorrhoids, then she will. I'm sure he'll get the message.

DEAR ABBY: I am 20 and have never had a boyfriend. All of my girlfriends and guy friends have told me that I'm attractive.

My dating history is zero because every chance I've had to date someone, I turned him down for absurd reasons. Either his hair was the wrong style, or I decided I didn't like the way he walked, or the way he laughed, etc.

There is a guy at school who is interested in starting a relationship with me. He's a nice guy, and I think I might be interested as well. But I get sick to my stomach when I think about it.

People tell me I have intimacy problems. I don't want to ruin this, Abby. Please tell me how to be better. -- WEEPING IN W.VA.

DEAR WEEPING: You do appear to have some issues that need to be examined. The quickest way to work them through is to go to the student health center at your school and talk to a counselor about them. Once you are free of your anxieties, you'll be more emotionally available to those who show an interest.

DEAR ABBY: A letter appeared in today's Houston Chronicle in which the writer asked the origin of the term "Pandora's box." You gave the right answer, but not the entire answer.

Yes, the box was a gift to Pandora from the gods, but was given with the warning that it should never be opened. (Some gift! A box she couldn't open -- who could refrain?) When Pandora's curiosity got the better of her, she lifted the lid and released every ailment, sorrow and pestilence known to mankind, so she slammed the box shut. But after all the swarm of evils, one last thing remained inside -- and its little voice begged Pandora to lift the lid once more and free it. When she did, she released the most important item in the box. It was HOPE. -- KATE R., HOUSTON

DEAR KATE: Thank you for telling the whole story, which I had forgotten. How fitting that your letter comes from Houston, a city which has in recent weeks offered so much hope to so many people who needed it.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for the safety tips you offered to "Curious in Indiana," who bikes alone. As a female cyclist and mother of a biking daughter, I agree that telling her parents her riding plan (or leaving a descriptive note), and carrying a cell phone are good measures. In addition, she should dress like a boy! Leave the cute little tops for when she's riding with a large group, and instead, wear a bright, high-visibility T-shirt or jersey that can catch a motorist's eye but doesn't shout "female!" from half a mile away.

"Curious" should also be constantly aware of her surroundings. This assumes no headphones, and means she'll know what vehicles are approaching from front and rear and who is in them. She should be ready if a dog runs out, and know if a storm is imminent. A family password is also a good idea, so no stranger can impersonate a "caring messenger" and get too close. -- HAPPY TRAILWINDS IN WISCONSIN

DEAR HAPPY: Thank you! I received a slew of letters and e-mails from readers eager to offer additional safety tips to that girl. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You forgot one very important tip. Wear a bike helmet! If she fell and hit her head on one of those lonely country roads, it could mean the difference between life and death. -- AVID BICYCLIST IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR ABBY: Your suggestions were good, but it might also be wise for that girl to carry Mace or pepper spray for protection if it can be used legally in her state. -- KATHLEEN IN TITUSVILLE, PA.

DEAR ABBY: Please remind every bike rider to wear reflective clothing, and ensure that their bike has front and back lights. Most important, they need to observe the rules of the road. A bike is just like a car and needs to stop at lights and signs. It will help that 13-year-old ensure her own safety. -- WALTER J., SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA

DEAR ABBY: "Curious in Indiana" should check to see if there are any bicycle groups nearby. It's a great way to find like-minded teens and instant friends.

In the '70s, as a bike leader for the American Youth Hostels, I was trained in first aid and bike repair -- both of which I used on the long-distance trips I led. (That was in the days before cell phones.) As a mom today, I'd prefer that my daughter was not alone on the road. -- DR. J., KALAMAZOO, MICH.

DEAR ABBY: She should be sure to carry water, as well as some form of ID when she rides. It should include her name, her city or town, home phone number or the number where her parents can be reached, her blood type, and any allergies or medical conditions. (The information can be worn around her neck, engraved on a bracelet or attached to her shoe.) -- MELODY IN IRVINE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: That cyclist should make sure she knows how to change her own flat tire, and carry all the tools necessary to do so every time she rides. (She should always check to be sure the glue in her patch kit hasn't dried out.) The more she can learn about "out-there repair," the less chance she'll have of being stranded somewhere she'd rather not be. -- FELLOW CYCLIST, LEMONT, PA.

DEAR ABBY: My son, who is the same age, rides his bike and hikes in an area where cell phones are not reliable. We gave him a walkie-talkie with a seven-mile radius, and it's much cheaper than a cell phone. -- COUNTRY MOM, STEVENS POINT, WIS.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)