DEAR ABBY: In a recent letter, the writer complained that she was embarrassed because her 50-something mother looked like a "motorcycle mama."

I'm in my late 50s. My husband is in his mid-40s. For the first time in our hardworking lives we're enjoying ourselves going places! I wear my leathers wherever we go (Harley Davidson, of course!) for protection. Also, for my birthday this year I got a tattoo on my back. My kids (late 20s and 30s) say it's cool. They say if we're happy, they're happy.

I would like to tell "Embarrassed" that she and her siblings should be thankful they have parents, and that they are healthy, happy and enjoying themselves. That's what counts. -- ANOTHER MOTORCYCLE MAMA, COALINGA, CALIF.

DEAR MOTORCYCLE MAMA: I pointed that out in my answer. I also advised the "children" to address their concerns with their mother.

I find the differing philosophies between generations to be fascinating. A conservative generation gave birth to the flower children of the '60s -- which in turn has given birth to another conservative generation. However, most of the readers who commented on that letter agree with you. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Embarrassed" said that Harley Davidson shirts are designed for girls in their 20s, not women in their 50s. Well, I say, why should girls in their 20s have all the fun? -- CAROL IN TWIN FALLS, IDAHO

DEAR ABBY: Who among us hasn't heard the expression, "Don't judge a book by its cover"? It doesn't matter what her mother wears as long as it's legal.

When people reach 45-50, they start seeing classmates, friends, cousins, people their own age in the obituaries. And it makes them stop and remember just how short life can be. Who wants to live their whole life a certain way because "what would the neighbors think?"

There's a poem I once read about an old lady who dresses in a purple coat. It goes on and on about the "outrageous" things that she's going to do. The gist of the poem is that now she's old, she can get away with doing the things she really wanted to do her whole life because people will just think she's "a crazy old lady."

Please tell that daughter to stop being so concerned. Her mother is having the time of her life, and more power to her. -- PAULA IN DALTON, MASS.

DEAR ABBY: I'd like to ask that daughter and her siblings a question: Did THEY ever show up at a family function with a new hair color, new piercing, clothes too big or too small, a shocking boyfriend or girlfriend, or new opinion they knew would stir things up?

To the embarrassed children I say, "Take the advice your parents got when you acted out: 'It's a stage. They'll outgrow it.'" Your parents' antics are paybacks, dude! -- NO MOTORCYCLE YET IN ST. PAUL

DEAR ABBY: I am also a biker mom whose children are grown. While I do not buy the HD brand, I, too, dress differently than when my kids were small. What makes them think her attire is inappropriate? Jesus had long hair and wore a dress. Was that wrong? -- 45 AND GETTING YOUNGER IN WASHINGTON

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My brother, "Dick," was a sheriff's deputy for five years. He was arrested recently on felony theft charges, stemming from burglaries committed in the rural area he was assigned to protect.

I gave up on Dick years ago. He has almost destroyed the family farm by not showing up for meetings and spending money that wasn't his. He also stole items from the farm, as well as a substantial amount of cash from our mother.

I am worried about Mother. She knows Dick is guilty, but makes up every excuse under the sun for him. He takes anti-depressants -- she blames them. She blames his soon-to-be ex-wife. She blames his girlfriend who "put him up to the crimes and then turned him in." She bails him out and lets him stay with her if he wants.

Anything negative my siblings say about him, she takes as a direct insult. Dick broke Mom's heart years ago, and my siblings and I were left to pick up the pieces. Now she's allowing him to do it all over again. He's tearing our family apart. How can we convince her it's time for tough love? -- TRYING TO HELP MOM IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR TRYING: It might be better for your brother if you could, but you can't. Your mother is so fully invested emotionally in your brother that she can no longer differentiate between him and herself. That is why, when you criticize him, she takes it as a personal insult. That is also why she is so determined to "protect" him from the consequences of his actions. What's sad is, she is not helping your brother. She's only allowing him to continue his anti-social behavior.

Let's hope the state steps in and prevents your brother from continuing his criminal activities -- for a while. However, even then, don't expect him to change until the consequences of his actions become so severe that he feels he must. Why should he? Until now, his mother has tossed him a featherbed every time he should have landed on his fanny. It's called ENABLING.

DEAR ABBY: A few weeks ago, I e-mailed a message to an old friend. I received a reply from his son, who was handling his father's affairs after his death a few days earlier. He had no idea who I was.

If he had looked at his father's mailing list, he would have seen a list of people who would have been interested in his father's demise.

I'm going to code our list now, to indicate who should be contacted in case of death or serious illness. -- GRIEVING IN MISSOURI

DEAR GRIEVING: Over the years I have received literally hundreds of letters like yours from people who have lost old friends. These are people who would have liked to have sent condolences, made donations to charity, said a final goodbye at the funeral, or shared a happy experience at a memorial for the friend they lost.

Readers, although none of us likes to dwell on our own mortality, I don't know of anyone who has managed to last forever. So consider for a moment the people who care about you. Go through your address book and note the individuals you think would like to be notified if you are unable to do it yourself. The task will take only a few minutes. And leave a note indicating where to find the information with your important papers.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: An old friend of mine, "Marla," moved away six years ago. Imagine my surprise when she showed up on my doorstep last Easter. I had just started a new job and was bogged down with work. Marla had always said I was welcome to come and stay at her new home "any time." So, when she mentioned she was going to try to find a hotel, I said, "Of course not! Stay with me!"

Abby, Marla knew I had to put my best foot forward at work and that I had no vacation time coming. But she insisted that I go out with her to bars and stay until they closed. When I reminded her I had to take it easy and get to bed early, she loaded on the guilt. It was clear she was only concerned with her good time and how much her plane fare had cost her. I was relieved to see her go.

Last night, Marla called and announced that she's coming back next month, so I should "mark my calendar." She did not ask if it was convenient for her to visit me. She met a guy while she was here, and I suspect that's the reason for her visit. I'm afraid she's assuming my spare room is hers again. I don't want to offer it to her. She'll drive me nuts. On the other hand, we've been friends a long time. I don't want to hurt her feelings. Please give me some advice -- and hurry! -- NOT MRS. HILTON

DEAR NOT MRS. H.: You have described a person who is centered on her own "needs" to the exclusion of those around her -- and by definition that's a user, not a friend.

Pick up the phone and tell Marla you would love to see her one night while she's in town, but you are unable to have her stay with you. Do not apologize for it or allow her to put you on the defensive. Do it now, so she'll have plenty of time to make hotel reservations, or you will be blamed for inconveniencing her.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Leonard," just learned that his cousin "Neil" -- who is also his best friend -- and Neil's wife, "Julie," have been telling family members they think Leonard is in love with Julie! Julie says Leonard is "mean" to her sometimes because he has a crush on her.

Julie is very manipulative. She has worked to drive away Neil's mother. Now she's obviously trying to do the same with Leonard. We're not surprised that she'd do this, but what hurts my husband is that Neil actually believes her!

How should we respond to this? Should we call them and try to straighten this out? Or should we leave it alone and let them think what they want? Leonard is extremely upset about this, and I'd like your opinion. -- OFFENDED IN HAWAII

DEAR OFFENDED: Your husband should talk to his cousin "man to man" and assure him that, although "Julie is a great girl," she is mistaken. He is in love with you and only you. As tempting as it might be, you should not bring it up with Julie, whom I am sure would love to be the center of attention in the argument that would ensue. If other family members mention it, laugh it off. And for the foreseeable future, limit your contact with this couple.

DEAR ABBY: I am having a senior block (not moment) here. With so many troops in Iraq, and the news reports -- I can't remember what the abbreviation "GI" stands for. Help! -- IRENE IN BLISSFIELD, MICH.

DEAR IRENE: According to my Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (11th Edition), GI is the abbreviation for "government issue": "... of, relating to, or characteristic of U.S. military personnel."

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)