DEAR ABBY: My brother, "Dick," was a sheriff's deputy for five years. He was arrested recently on felony theft charges, stemming from burglaries committed in the rural area he was assigned to protect.

I gave up on Dick years ago. He has almost destroyed the family farm by not showing up for meetings and spending money that wasn't his. He also stole items from the farm, as well as a substantial amount of cash from our mother.

I am worried about Mother. She knows Dick is guilty, but makes up every excuse under the sun for him. He takes anti-depressants -- she blames them. She blames his soon-to-be ex-wife. She blames his girlfriend who "put him up to the crimes and then turned him in." She bails him out and lets him stay with her if he wants.

Anything negative my siblings say about him, she takes as a direct insult. Dick broke Mom's heart years ago, and my siblings and I were left to pick up the pieces. Now she's allowing him to do it all over again. He's tearing our family apart. How can we convince her it's time for tough love? -- TRYING TO HELP MOM IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR TRYING: It might be better for your brother if you could, but you can't. Your mother is so fully invested emotionally in your brother that she can no longer differentiate between him and herself. That is why, when you criticize him, she takes it as a personal insult. That is also why she is so determined to "protect" him from the consequences of his actions. What's sad is, she is not helping your brother. She's only allowing him to continue his anti-social behavior.

Let's hope the state steps in and prevents your brother from continuing his criminal activities -- for a while. However, even then, don't expect him to change until the consequences of his actions become so severe that he feels he must. Why should he? Until now, his mother has tossed him a featherbed every time he should have landed on his fanny. It's called ENABLING.

DEAR ABBY: A few weeks ago, I e-mailed a message to an old friend. I received a reply from his son, who was handling his father's affairs after his death a few days earlier. He had no idea who I was.

If he had looked at his father's mailing list, he would have seen a list of people who would have been interested in his father's demise.

I'm going to code our list now, to indicate who should be contacted in case of death or serious illness. -- GRIEVING IN MISSOURI

DEAR GRIEVING: Over the years I have received literally hundreds of letters like yours from people who have lost old friends. These are people who would have liked to have sent condolences, made donations to charity, said a final goodbye at the funeral, or shared a happy experience at a memorial for the friend they lost.

Readers, although none of us likes to dwell on our own mortality, I don't know of anyone who has managed to last forever. So consider for a moment the people who care about you. Go through your address book and note the individuals you think would like to be notified if you are unable to do it yourself. The task will take only a few minutes. And leave a note indicating where to find the information with your important papers.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: An old friend of mine, "Marla," moved away six years ago. Imagine my surprise when she showed up on my doorstep last Easter. I had just started a new job and was bogged down with work. Marla had always said I was welcome to come and stay at her new home "any time." So, when she mentioned she was going to try to find a hotel, I said, "Of course not! Stay with me!"

Abby, Marla knew I had to put my best foot forward at work and that I had no vacation time coming. But she insisted that I go out with her to bars and stay until they closed. When I reminded her I had to take it easy and get to bed early, she loaded on the guilt. It was clear she was only concerned with her good time and how much her plane fare had cost her. I was relieved to see her go.

Last night, Marla called and announced that she's coming back next month, so I should "mark my calendar." She did not ask if it was convenient for her to visit me. She met a guy while she was here, and I suspect that's the reason for her visit. I'm afraid she's assuming my spare room is hers again. I don't want to offer it to her. She'll drive me nuts. On the other hand, we've been friends a long time. I don't want to hurt her feelings. Please give me some advice -- and hurry! -- NOT MRS. HILTON

DEAR NOT MRS. H.: You have described a person who is centered on her own "needs" to the exclusion of those around her -- and by definition that's a user, not a friend.

Pick up the phone and tell Marla you would love to see her one night while she's in town, but you are unable to have her stay with you. Do not apologize for it or allow her to put you on the defensive. Do it now, so she'll have plenty of time to make hotel reservations, or you will be blamed for inconveniencing her.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Leonard," just learned that his cousin "Neil" -- who is also his best friend -- and Neil's wife, "Julie," have been telling family members they think Leonard is in love with Julie! Julie says Leonard is "mean" to her sometimes because he has a crush on her.

Julie is very manipulative. She has worked to drive away Neil's mother. Now she's obviously trying to do the same with Leonard. We're not surprised that she'd do this, but what hurts my husband is that Neil actually believes her!

How should we respond to this? Should we call them and try to straighten this out? Or should we leave it alone and let them think what they want? Leonard is extremely upset about this, and I'd like your opinion. -- OFFENDED IN HAWAII

DEAR OFFENDED: Your husband should talk to his cousin "man to man" and assure him that, although "Julie is a great girl," she is mistaken. He is in love with you and only you. As tempting as it might be, you should not bring it up with Julie, whom I am sure would love to be the center of attention in the argument that would ensue. If other family members mention it, laugh it off. And for the foreseeable future, limit your contact with this couple.

DEAR ABBY: I am having a senior block (not moment) here. With so many troops in Iraq, and the news reports -- I can't remember what the abbreviation "GI" stands for. Help! -- IRENE IN BLISSFIELD, MICH.

DEAR IRENE: According to my Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (11th Edition), GI is the abbreviation for "government issue": "... of, relating to, or characteristic of U.S. military personnel."

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently suffered through our second miscarriage. We hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy because telling everyone about our loss the first time was so painful. We did, however, tell our parents. My mother proceeded to call all of her sisters, etc., even though I told her we didn't want anyone to know in case it happened again.

The same week I miscarried, I received a baby shower invitation from my cousin (my mother's niece). Attending a baby shower right now is the last thing I want, but I was planning on sending a gift. Mother accused me of being "selfish" and said I need to "get over it" because "everyone has miscarriages." She also threatened that no one will come to my shower one day.

How could someone, especially my mother, be so insensitive to my feelings? Am I supposed to sit at the shower and be tormented just so I'm physically present? Right now, I'm extremely disappointed, angry, embarrassed and afraid there may be something wrong with me. We're presently awaiting lab results.

If I someday do have a shower, I hope no one will attend only for the sake of pleasing someone else. Your thoughts, please. -- BROKEN-HEARTED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR BROKEN-HEARTED: Your mother's remarks were grossly insensitive, and they were also a demonstration of how ignorant she is about the problem you're experiencing. Many people are completely unaware of how emotionally devastating it is when couples who want a baby are unable to produce one. Every monthly cycle brings with it the emotions you have so aptly described.

As to whether you should attend the baby shower, call your cousin and explain to her what has been going on. I'll bet she knew nothing about your loss when the invitation was sent, and will understand your absence. You have my deepest sympathy, and I pray that one day soon your dream of motherhood will be fulfilled.

DEAR ABBY: I am 10 and live with my parents, my sister, my grandmother, my aunt and my 6-year-old cousin, "Nina." (Don't ask -- it's a long story.)

Nina doesn't have brothers or sisters. Her parents are separated. She and her mom are always fighting, and Nina is almost always crying. She really needs help. Nina almost lost her memory because my sister pushed her and she fell and hit her head on a metal bar.

I can't stand the crying anymore. It's driving me crazy. I need advice, and you I can trust. Please help us. -- LOYAL 10-YEAR-OLD, MESQUITE, TEXAS

DEAR LOYAL 10-YEAR-OLD: When three generations -- plus extended family -- live under one roof, there are bound to be tensions. I admire you for spending time with your little cousin, trying to make things better for her. However, you are only 10, and the entire responsibility shouldn't be on your young shoulders.

Please show this letter to your parents and tell them you wrote it. Your aunt is going through a difficult time right now, but she shouldn't be taking her unhappiness out on her child. If there are supervised activities that would get you and Nina out of the house, together and individually, it would do you both a world of good. And if your parents can step in and convince Nina's mother to get some help, it could change the atmosphere around your house for the better for all of you.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)