DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently suffered through our second miscarriage. We hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy because telling everyone about our loss the first time was so painful. We did, however, tell our parents. My mother proceeded to call all of her sisters, etc., even though I told her we didn't want anyone to know in case it happened again.
The same week I miscarried, I received a baby shower invitation from my cousin (my mother's niece). Attending a baby shower right now is the last thing I want, but I was planning on sending a gift. Mother accused me of being "selfish" and said I need to "get over it" because "everyone has miscarriages." She also threatened that no one will come to my shower one day.
How could someone, especially my mother, be so insensitive to my feelings? Am I supposed to sit at the shower and be tormented just so I'm physically present? Right now, I'm extremely disappointed, angry, embarrassed and afraid there may be something wrong with me. We're presently awaiting lab results.
If I someday do have a shower, I hope no one will attend only for the sake of pleasing someone else. Your thoughts, please. -- BROKEN-HEARTED IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR BROKEN-HEARTED: Your mother's remarks were grossly insensitive, and they were also a demonstration of how ignorant she is about the problem you're experiencing. Many people are completely unaware of how emotionally devastating it is when couples who want a baby are unable to produce one. Every monthly cycle brings with it the emotions you have so aptly described.
As to whether you should attend the baby shower, call your cousin and explain to her what has been going on. I'll bet she knew nothing about your loss when the invitation was sent, and will understand your absence. You have my deepest sympathy, and I pray that one day soon your dream of motherhood will be fulfilled.