DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently suffered through our second miscarriage. We hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy because telling everyone about our loss the first time was so painful. We did, however, tell our parents. My mother proceeded to call all of her sisters, etc., even though I told her we didn't want anyone to know in case it happened again.

The same week I miscarried, I received a baby shower invitation from my cousin (my mother's niece). Attending a baby shower right now is the last thing I want, but I was planning on sending a gift. Mother accused me of being "selfish" and said I need to "get over it" because "everyone has miscarriages." She also threatened that no one will come to my shower one day.

How could someone, especially my mother, be so insensitive to my feelings? Am I supposed to sit at the shower and be tormented just so I'm physically present? Right now, I'm extremely disappointed, angry, embarrassed and afraid there may be something wrong with me. We're presently awaiting lab results.

If I someday do have a shower, I hope no one will attend only for the sake of pleasing someone else. Your thoughts, please. -- BROKEN-HEARTED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR BROKEN-HEARTED: Your mother's remarks were grossly insensitive, and they were also a demonstration of how ignorant she is about the problem you're experiencing. Many people are completely unaware of how emotionally devastating it is when couples who want a baby are unable to produce one. Every monthly cycle brings with it the emotions you have so aptly described.

As to whether you should attend the baby shower, call your cousin and explain to her what has been going on. I'll bet she knew nothing about your loss when the invitation was sent, and will understand your absence. You have my deepest sympathy, and I pray that one day soon your dream of motherhood will be fulfilled.

DEAR ABBY: I am 10 and live with my parents, my sister, my grandmother, my aunt and my 6-year-old cousin, "Nina." (Don't ask -- it's a long story.)

Nina doesn't have brothers or sisters. Her parents are separated. She and her mom are always fighting, and Nina is almost always crying. She really needs help. Nina almost lost her memory because my sister pushed her and she fell and hit her head on a metal bar.

I can't stand the crying anymore. It's driving me crazy. I need advice, and you I can trust. Please help us. -- LOYAL 10-YEAR-OLD, MESQUITE, TEXAS

DEAR LOYAL 10-YEAR-OLD: When three generations -- plus extended family -- live under one roof, there are bound to be tensions. I admire you for spending time with your little cousin, trying to make things better for her. However, you are only 10, and the entire responsibility shouldn't be on your young shoulders.

Please show this letter to your parents and tell them you wrote it. Your aunt is going through a difficult time right now, but she shouldn't be taking her unhappiness out on her child. If there are supervised activities that would get you and Nina out of the house, together and individually, it would do you both a world of good. And if your parents can step in and convince Nina's mother to get some help, it could change the atmosphere around your house for the better for all of you.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 26-year-old woman, married just over 19 months. My husband, "Troy," is caring and supportive -- but he's prejudiced against people who are overweight. He makes obscene jokes when he sees large people in public and generally has a bad attitude about people with weight issues.

We have recently discussed starting a family. Frankly, I'm scared to death of becoming pregnant because of Troy's feelings about weight. I admit to being vain -- I'm 5-foot-10, a size 6, and I work hard to stay that way. Troy loves the fact that I'm built this way, and he never fails to compliment me or make me feel sexy.

I am terrified about how he will react to me during and after the pregnancy. Troy says he'll love me just the way I am, no matter what that is, but 10 minutes later he'll make a comment about how glad he is he didn't marry a fat woman. I have tried talking to him about weight gain during pregnancy. He says pregnancy is "different," and I'll lose all the weight after the baby is born.

We both want children and can support a child financially, but I'm very concerned about what the pregnancy could do to our marriage. Have you any advice? -- BABY BLUES IN CHARLESTON, S.C.

DEAR BABY BLUES: Your concern is justified. Your husband's bias against large people has you between a rock and a hard place. How nice to hear that he will love you "just the way you are, no matter what that is" -- but what if you aren't able to "lose all the weight" after the baby is born?

You and your husband should schedule an appointment with your ob/gyn to discuss pregnancy and all of its ramifications, with an emphasis on the changes it brings about during and after gestation. It takes a man to be a husband and father -- and frankly, it appears your mate has some growing up to do before he becomes a father.

DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to a wonderful man, "Evan," who has two children ages 4 and 6. I love Evan dearly and we get along well in every area except one -- his younger child, "Melissa." She is very badly behaved, and I suspect she has ADHD -- but Evan and his ex-wife refuse to take her to a doctor.

After we are married, Melissa will be sharing a bedroom with my daughter, "Sasha." Melissa is very destructive, and I know Sasha will not be happy when Melissa trashes her toys and belongings.

The main reason Evan and I have not gone forward with our plans is Melissa. I don't know what to do. I'm losing patience with my fiance and his unwillingness to address his daughter's problems. There are problems in every situation with Melissa -- home, school, baby sitters, family functions, outings. I dread taking her anywhere. A 4-year-old is controlling my future, Abby. Please help me. -- STEPMOM-TO-BE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR STEPMOM-TO-BE: One way to prevent Melissa from controlling your future is to take back control for yourself. The child clearly has issues that need to be addressed, and your fiance appears to be stuck in denial. Think again how this will affect your daughter if Melissa doesn't get the help she's crying out for. If I were in your shoes, I'd give my fiance an ultimatum: Have his daughter medically and psychologically evaluated, or no wedding. (In your case that would be a win-win situation.)

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter you printed from "Needs Advice in Texas," whose mother forced her to wear shorts by taking away all her pants and jeans, made me sad and angry. What was this woman thinking? I'm now 31 and never wear shorts, except in the gym or while hiking. Shorts rarely flatter anyone. Capri pants and skirts are flattering, attractive and just as cool in summer, without causing self-consciousness.

That mother needs to learn a thing or two not only about fashion, but also respect for her daughter. Being 14 and a girl is hard enough. -- SYMPATHETIC IN BOULDER

DEAR SYMPATHETIC: I agree that the mother could use some lessons in parenting and diplomacy; however, not everyone agrees with us. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You agreed with the GIRL? What were you thinking? Your response will undermine the authority of that mother and lead the girl to disrespect her mother's decisions. My daughter had issues with wearing shorts, too. I chose to have her confront her insecurities by insisting she wear them. After a few random compliments from friends of hers, the shorts issue is no longer an issue. -- TRISH IN MONTGOMERY, ALA.

DEAR ABBY: The girl told her mother she was self-conscious about her legs, so she forced the girl to wear shorts anyway? What was the lesson here -- that she can't make her own decisions because Mom is the boss? How would that woman react if her husband forced her to wear clothes she felt uncomfortable in?

Rather than teaching her daughter to be confident in her own decisions, she has insisted she be submissive. Wasn't there a better way to help her feel better about her legs? If she thinks they're too big, how about walking or exercising with her? It sounds like those two could really use some quality time together. -- DANA IN FORT WORTH

DEAR ABBY: My daughter (now 18) was the same way. I decided long ago, starting with the "shorts" issue, that there are bigger battles to fight. We've been through the Goth look, black hair, white makeup, blue hair, pink hair, boyfriends with mohawks, Dumpster-diving wardrobes, to glitter, understated makeup, styled hair, French manicures, and being voted best dressed in her senior year.

We laugh about it now. But the bottom line is, my daughter has confidence in herself. That mother should count her blessings, because there are a lot worse things to fight about. If the girl doesn't mind the heat -- you know, it's really no one's business. -- BEEN THERE AND BACK IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ABBY: I'm a college student who hasn't worn shorts in public since middle school because I don't feel attractive in them. For hot summer weather, I suggest long, flowing skirts -- which are really "in" right now -- and long sundresses. They're perfectly acceptable summerwear, and besides being better suited than jeans for hot weather, they'll cover her legs. That should satisfy the mother while allowing the girl to achieve the level of modesty she desires. -- L.B. IN S.C.

DEAR ABBY: Regardless of whether that poor girl has nice legs or not, if she's not comfortable wearing shorts she should not be forced to. If she's hot in her jeans, that's her problem and not her mother's. Let's hope that "Needs Advice" forgets about this when she puts her mother in a nursing home and gets to dictate what SHE wears! -- PEGGY IN CLEVELAND

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)