DEAR ABBY: The letter you printed from "Needs Advice in Texas," whose mother forced her to wear shorts by taking away all her pants and jeans, made me sad and angry. What was this woman thinking? I'm now 31 and never wear shorts, except in the gym or while hiking. Shorts rarely flatter anyone. Capri pants and skirts are flattering, attractive and just as cool in summer, without causing self-consciousness.

That mother needs to learn a thing or two not only about fashion, but also respect for her daughter. Being 14 and a girl is hard enough. -- SYMPATHETIC IN BOULDER

DEAR SYMPATHETIC: I agree that the mother could use some lessons in parenting and diplomacy; however, not everyone agrees with us. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You agreed with the GIRL? What were you thinking? Your response will undermine the authority of that mother and lead the girl to disrespect her mother's decisions. My daughter had issues with wearing shorts, too. I chose to have her confront her insecurities by insisting she wear them. After a few random compliments from friends of hers, the shorts issue is no longer an issue. -- TRISH IN MONTGOMERY, ALA.

DEAR ABBY: The girl told her mother she was self-conscious about her legs, so she forced the girl to wear shorts anyway? What was the lesson here -- that she can't make her own decisions because Mom is the boss? How would that woman react if her husband forced her to wear clothes she felt uncomfortable in?

Rather than teaching her daughter to be confident in her own decisions, she has insisted she be submissive. Wasn't there a better way to help her feel better about her legs? If she thinks they're too big, how about walking or exercising with her? It sounds like those two could really use some quality time together. -- DANA IN FORT WORTH

DEAR ABBY: My daughter (now 18) was the same way. I decided long ago, starting with the "shorts" issue, that there are bigger battles to fight. We've been through the Goth look, black hair, white makeup, blue hair, pink hair, boyfriends with mohawks, Dumpster-diving wardrobes, to glitter, understated makeup, styled hair, French manicures, and being voted best dressed in her senior year.

We laugh about it now. But the bottom line is, my daughter has confidence in herself. That mother should count her blessings, because there are a lot worse things to fight about. If the girl doesn't mind the heat -- you know, it's really no one's business. -- BEEN THERE AND BACK IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ABBY: I'm a college student who hasn't worn shorts in public since middle school because I don't feel attractive in them. For hot summer weather, I suggest long, flowing skirts -- which are really "in" right now -- and long sundresses. They're perfectly acceptable summerwear, and besides being better suited than jeans for hot weather, they'll cover her legs. That should satisfy the mother while allowing the girl to achieve the level of modesty she desires. -- L.B. IN S.C.

DEAR ABBY: Regardless of whether that poor girl has nice legs or not, if she's not comfortable wearing shorts she should not be forced to. If she's hot in her jeans, that's her problem and not her mother's. Let's hope that "Needs Advice" forgets about this when she puts her mother in a nursing home and gets to dictate what SHE wears! -- PEGGY IN CLEVELAND

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DEAR ABBY: My mother, "Belle," had me when she was 16. All my life I have been her best friend. I think she made it that way so she wouldn't have to deal with having a child. Belle has always abused alcohol and drugs. She was also married several times over the years. I don't think she ever really grew up.

My childhood was spent being shuffled from one family to the next. About a year ago, Belle got into trouble (again) and had nowhere to live. I am married with two young children. We live about three hours away from her "trouble." I invited her to come and stay with me so she could have a fresh start.

Well, Belle's driver's license was suspended because of past trouble, so I cart her around everywhere. She's still up to her same old tricks, parading men in and out, drinking, drugs, etc. This has caused many fights between me and my husband. I have reached the end of my rope. I don't want to just write Belle off because she's my mother. But I really don't want anything more to do with her. All she does is cause heartache for my children and me. What do I do? -- MY MOTHER'S KEEPER, MONROE, LA.

DEAR MOTHER'S KEEPER: Recognize that you are your CHILDREN'S mother, not your mother's. Having an adult in the house who abuses alcohol and drugs and "parades men in and out" creates an unhealthy atmosphere for your little ones. So give Belle an ultimatum: Get clean and sober immediately and forgo the gentlemen callers, or leave. This may seem cold, but unless you put your foot down, nothing will change.

Now that you are finished reading this, check your phone book for the nearest meeting of Adult Children of Alcoholics. It's a group that was created specifically for individuals like you who were raised in alcoholic or dysfunctional households. They can help you to stop making your mother's problems your own. If they're not in your phone book, e-mail them at info(at)adultchildren.org or write: ACA, Box 3216, Torrance, CA 90510-3216.

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DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding the letter from "Pregnant and Annoyed," the woman having her first child. She wants her mother there because of the woman's experience birthing four children and having coached other women through childbirth. The husband insists that if his mom can't also be there, no one will be there except him.

As a labor and delivery nurse with 25 years' experience, I would like to point out that while delivering a baby is a joyful event, it is also difficult and stressful. I have seen the progress of labor shut down by a woman's anxiety. This isn't a show for family entertainment. No one should be in the labor room unless the person is supportive to the laboring woman and she wants them there. Most labor and delivery nurses understand this, so all the expectant mother needs to do is tell her nurse. The nurse will then inform the mother-in-law that visitors are restricted to two. Case closed. -- NURSE ANDREA, SANTA CLARA

DEAR NURSE ANDREA: Thank you! The mail I received in response to that letter and my answer was varied. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: It's time that young woman grew up. Tell her she's a grown, married adult about to become a parent. She does not need her mother to hold her hand. This is a very personal, special time for a couple. They don't need her mom in the delivery room bossing people around.

The doctors and nurses are better trained than her mom. Because Mom is so "experienced," will she be raising the baby, too? Hubby had better put his foot down now or he'll be sorry. Maybe that's what he was trying to do when he insisted his mom be there. You should have told her that her mother belongs in the waiting room with the other grandparents. -- BEEN-THERE GRANDMA

DEAR ABBY: Tempted as I was to have the "this is my body, I call the shots" attitude, I'm glad I didn't. Both families were in the room as I labored; only the two of us during delivery. It was perfect for us.

Now as I lay on strict bed rest expecting our fourth child, watching my husband juggle our three girls, cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work, taking care of me, not to mention his own high-stress job, all without complaining even once, I'm grateful we have always worked as a team. -- PARENTING TOGETHER IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: It didn't say in your column why he wants his mother in the room. Perhaps he wants his mother there to reassure HIM. A lot of first-time fathers are scared. Maybe if she compromised, they would both get to have a memorable delivery. If everything doesn't go as planned, she could end up with a C-section and the argument would be moot, as they allow only one person in the room. -- JASMINE IN TORONTO

DEAR ABBY: I'm a family doc. You were right to tell her to talk to her OB. During the delivery we can take control of the situation for the good of the mom and baby. I sometimes had to clear the labor room of extraneous people -- even once tossing out the dad.

Early in labor it's usually OK for friends and family to visit. But when "push comes to shove" (pardon the pun), it's time for everyone to leave except Mom's coach and Dad -- and we docs can make that happen. -- M.D. IN ELK GROVE

DEAR ABBY: My husband has a great suggestion. She should make a deal with the husband. She'll let his mother attend the birth if he'll first change a flat tire naked in front of her father. (Didn't I marry a great guy?) -- PARENTS OF FOUR, OKLAHOMA CITY

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