DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Justin," and I have been together 12 years, married for five. We get along well, except for one thing, his so-called "jokes."

Rather than coming out and saying I've done something that bothers him, Justin will make a sarcastic comment, then insist he's "just kidding." If I forget to turn off a light, he'll say something like, "So, you're trying to make sure the electric company doesn't go out of business -- right?" If I tell him his unshaven face hurts when he kisses me, he'll say, "Most women would love it if their husbands gave them kisses all the time ... maybe I should have married one of them." No single remark sounds that terrible, but it's been going on for 12 years and I've had enough.

No matter what he says, as long as Justin claims to be "kidding," he doesn't think I have a reason to get angry. He'll say I don't have a sense of humor, or that I'm "thin-skinned." I tell him frequently that it bothers me. I have asked repeatedly that he just say what's on his mind, but he doesn't. How can I get through to him that what he's doing isn't "joking"; it's avoiding accountability for his comments? -- NOT AMUSED IN VERMONT

DEAR NOT AMUSED: It would be interesting to know something about the atmosphere in which your husband was raised, because emotionally, he's a coward. The term for what he's doing is "passive aggression." People who use it aren't secure enough to be directly confrontational, so they beat around the bush -- taking little jabs here and there, not enough to do serious damage. The measured doses of venom keep their victim off balance and in a constant state of irritation. (If the targets react, it becomes "their" fault.)

You must be a very strong person to have tolerated this for so long. I'm sad to say, your husband may be incapable of changing. However, a way to get him to recognize what he's doing, and how damaging it is, would be through marriage counseling. If he won't go, go without him. It will give you insight and perspective.

DEAR ABBY: My mother has been living with this guy for seven years. We don't live with her, but when we visit, he mentally and emotionally abuses her. Yesterday he cussed me and my brother out, and threatened to beat us up.

My mother wants to leave but she can't. I know it's none of my business because I am only 13, but my brother and I want her to get out. We don't like this guy and don't want to see him anymore. I have told my mother this. She says she'll leave, but she never does! What should I do? I need help to get her to leave this guy because mental abuse leaves a scar on your life that causes you to hate and fear others. -- MICHAEL IN NASHVILLE, TENN.

DEAR MICHAEL: For someone 13, you are very world-wise. I respect that you want to help your mother get away. However, that will take not only careful planning, but a strong desire on her part -- and I'm not sure your mother really wants to go.

Are her parents still living? If they are, tell them what you have told me. Does she have sisters and brothers? Tell them, too. If she has no one, give her the number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE (� HYPERLINK "http://www.hndvh.org" ��www.ndvh.org�). When she's ready, they can help her make a plan for leaving. But no one can do this for her. Ultimately, this is something your mother must do for herself.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: In response to the question of where to place one's handbag in a restaurant, you replied: "If you're carrying a small, dressy evening bag, place it on the table. However, if you're carrying a large handbag, put it on the floor next to your chair or beneath the table so the server won't trip on it."

I keep my smaller purses between my body and/or trusted companion or the wall, and I place larger bags on the floor, making sure my foot is in contact with it at all times. (Usually between my feet.)

I was in a service business for many years, and customers would confide the most outrageous details of their personal lives. Once, a young woman told me she visited large churches when it rained because she could use her umbrella to reach under pews and hook purses. Then she'd slip out before the final prayer.

Women need visual contact with their purses at all times. -- OLDER AND WISER, SPRINGFIELD, MO.

DEAR WISER: It's sad to think that not even a house of God is safe from purse snatching. I received a lot of mail about that letter. Not everyone agreed with my answer to that question, nor do they agree with each other. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Sadly, there are purse snatchers in restaurants, food courts, picnic areas, etc. I have seen women sling their open bag over the back of a chair and -- swoosh goes the handbag or wallet.

Other than an evening clutch on the table, I place my handbag either underneath the table, between my feet where I can feel it at all times, or sling the strap over my knee and let the bag hang or rest on the floor. It may not be the most comfortable option, but I still have my bag when I'm ready to pay my tab. -- VANESSA R., CHICAGO

DEAR ABBY: Placing a purse on the table inconveniences the person sitting next to you. If you're at a table for two with no one beside you, it's still a bad idea. Even in upscale restaurants, the purse can be stolen.

You suggested putting the bag on the floor. Floors in public places are filthy! Large handbags should be left at home, but if you have no choice, it should be balanced on your lap, close to your knees. (This can be accomplished by keeping your feet flat on the floor or crossing them at the ankles.) -- V.A.R., JONESBOROUGH, TENN.

DEAR ABBY: Any purse placed under or next to a chair is vulnerable to theft. If a woman puts it on the floor, she should put the strap around the leg of her chair, so if someone tries to take it, the strap will be caught on the leg. Better yet, when she arrives at the restaurant, she should take out her billfold and lock the purse in the trunk of her car. -- DAVID F., KANSAS CITY, MO.

DEAR ABBY: A portion of your answer to that question was correct. Abby, in restaurants in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, a chair is always provided to hold a large purse. Only "ladies of the evening" put their purses on the floor.

Granted, not everyone is going to be going to Rio to a restaurant, but it is "food for thought" here in the States. -- JAN. R., BEVERLY HILLS, FLA.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jack," and I have been married three years. I'm a feminist and didn't want to change my family name upon getting married. In addition, my husband had his stepfather's name, and the man was physically abusive to him while he was growing up.

Jack agreed to take my last name and legally changed his name a year after we were married. When we mentioned it to his mother before our wedding, she was completely against it and threatened to disown Jack if he took my name. That's when we decided to do it and not disclose it to his family.

Jack still uses his original name, but once we have children (which will be in the next year), he and our children will be using my last name. How, and when, should we tell his family? I feel it might be better to break the news before we actually have kids. -- EAST COAST FEMINIST

DEAR FEMINIST: When you say your husband's mother threatened to "disown" him if he changed his name, I assume she meant in the financial sense. If he is prepared for that, then it makes no difference when he gives his mother the news. Because his stepfather was abusive and his associations with the name are unpleasant, I see no compelling reason for him to carry it on.

However, it will be interesting to see if his mother follows through with her threat, in light of the fact that if she does she'll be cutting herself off from her grandbabies when they arrive. That's a hefty price to pay for trying to make a point, I'd say.

DEAR ABBY: Please don't mention my name or town because this is a small community and people will know it's me. I'm an avid reader, and I trust only you with this.

I'm a 15-year-old sophomore in high school. I have been told I live the "perfect life." I'm popular in school and in the top 10 percent of my class of 300 and get straight A's. I have a cute boyfriend, and my parents are "cool" and let me do things. I've never had sex, done drugs or drunk alcohol.

The problem is I'm not happy. I've been cutting myself for two years. All my dad does is degrade me and tell me everything I do is wrong. We argue constantly. Mom tries to be my best friend instead of a mother, and I can't stand to be around her.

I don't feel anything toward my best friends or my boyfriend. I don't know if I really like him. We have been together on and off for two years. This is the fifth time we've tried to work things out. When I break it off, I get even more depressed and cut myself more. My best friends annoy me, but if I don't hang out with them they'll get concerned and tell my parents about the cutting. My closest friend knows I do it, but she does it too, so she can't rat me out.

Please help me. It's not that I want to commit suicide, but it's like I have forgotten how to be happy. -- SEEING GRAY, FEELING BLUE IN N.Y.

DEAR FEELING BLUE: The feelings you have described can be symptoms of chronic depression, which is an illness. Everybody has days when they feel down and isolated. However, when people begin cutting themselves to take away the pain, it is time to get help from a trained therapist.

Please clip this letter, show it to your parents or a trusted adult -- a relative, a teacher or counselor at school, a clergyperson -- and admit that you wrote it. You need to be evaluated and treated by a doctor because there is help for your problem. Please don't wait to do this, because you have a right to be happy, and it's only a phone call away.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)