DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jack," and I have been married three years. I'm a feminist and didn't want to change my family name upon getting married. In addition, my husband had his stepfather's name, and the man was physically abusive to him while he was growing up.
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Jack agreed to take my last name and legally changed his name a year after we were married. When we mentioned it to his mother before our wedding, she was completely against it and threatened to disown Jack if he took my name. That's when we decided to do it and not disclose it to his family.
Jack still uses his original name, but once we have children (which will be in the next year), he and our children will be using my last name. How, and when, should we tell his family? I feel it might be better to break the news before we actually have kids. -- EAST COAST FEMINIST
DEAR FEMINIST: When you say your husband's mother threatened to "disown" him if he changed his name, I assume she meant in the financial sense. If he is prepared for that, then it makes no difference when he gives his mother the news. Because his stepfather was abusive and his associations with the name are unpleasant, I see no compelling reason for him to carry it on.
However, it will be interesting to see if his mother follows through with her threat, in light of the fact that if she does she'll be cutting herself off from her grandbabies when they arrive. That's a hefty price to pay for trying to make a point, I'd say.