DEAR ABBY: My husband and I buried our infant son, "Daniel," two months ago. Every day since his death seems like a year. Sometimes I don't think I can make it.

My pregnant sister-in-law just found out she's having a boy, and has informed the family that she intends to name her son Daniel in "honor" of our baby. If this is a tribute, it is of no comfort to my husband and me. We have tried telling her that while we understand her intentions are good, it is just too painful because it is too soon.

My sister-in-law freaked out and accused us of trying to make this all about us. She insists that if she says it's an honor, that it is one. Abby, our hearts are breaking. Are we wrong to expect some compassion, or must we accept this "gift" and move on? -- GRIEVING FOR MY BABY

DEAR GRIEVING: Please accept my sympathy for the tragic loss of your infant son. Your sister-in-law appears determined to do what she wants, regardless of your feelings. How much more sensitive it would have been of her to have first approached you and asked if you would like it if she named her son after yours. I agree that her timing is off. Rather than an "honor," it appears more like a cruel game of one-upmanship.

However, you can't control your sister-in-law and neither can I. With that in mind, you and your husband would be wise to find a grief support group to help you. An excellent one is The Compassionate Friends, which offers mutual assistance, friendship and understanding to families following the death of a child. Visit the Web site at www.compassionatefriends.org, or write: Compassionate Friends, P.O. Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696. They can refer you to a local chapter, and they also provide an online forum, online chat, a pen-pal program, and more. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

DEAR ABBY: I got pregnant at 16. I am now 23. My mother made me keep the baby, even after I asked her if I could have an abortion or give up my daughter for adoption. I never wanted children and regret keeping my daughter. I am short-tempered with her and yell at her often. I also lack the "motherly instinct" that many of my friends and family seem to have.

My daughter is a sweet little girl and I try to remind myself how lucky I am. But I don't feel lucky; I feel trapped. I don't want my daughter to feel unwanted, but my mother tells me I am selfish for not appreciating the "gift" I have been given.

Could my age be a factor in my lack of motherly feelings, or am I really selfish? Help! -- SCARED AND CONFUSED IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR SCARED AND CONFUSED: Please don't let your mother make you feel any guiltier than she already has. Because she considers the child a "gift," perhaps she is the person who should be raising her.

Not all women have a maternal instinct. Your reaction to motherhood isn't selfish; it's understandable. Your mother may have used the baby as a way to punish you for being sexually active. Counseling will help you gain some perspective on this and figure out where to go from here. Please reach out for it.

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DEAR ABBY: I'm confused. My husband and I received the following invitation in the mail today:

"We Are Having an Anniversary Dinner for

'BYRON AND EDITH'

"(Sorry, you're not invited!)

"Instead, we would like you to send an anniversary card postmarked by Sept. 3. The card will be given to Byron and Edith at the dinner to add to the surprise."

Abby, we weren't the only ones who got an "invitation" like this. Have you ever heard of anything like this? Is this something new? I think the people who got these invitations were even more surprised than Byron and Edith will be. -- NOW I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING IN OHIO

DEAR SEEN EVERYTHING: No, this is not something new. Social blunders have been happening for years, and this is one of them. How much more diplomatic it would have been had the request been phrased something like this:

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. 'Seen': In honor of Byron and Edith's anniversary, we 'kids' are planning an intimate family gathering. Because you have been treasured friends for so long, we wonder if you would contribute to a 'memory book' we are assembling for them as an added surprise. It need not be long or elaborate -- just an experience you have shared with Byron and Edith that was significant. Please send it before Sept. 3. Thanks in advance. -- Daughter 'Julie'"

DEAR ABBY: I'm not some young "chiquita." I'm a mature woman in my 50s. My live-in, "Eli," and I have been together for six years. We were happy, but over the last few months my man has become irritable and lethargic.

I did some snooping and discovered that Eli is up to his neck in credit card debt. His job isn't paying well now, but he continues to live as if his income hasn't dried up. He can't seem to accept that he can no longer afford special gifts for himself, his adult children and me.

Should I tell Eli I know he's paying an ungodly amount of interest and can't pay off his credit cards, or let him continue to drown in debt? I'm financially able to help him, but I don't know how to offer, because Eli won't share his need for it. Even if I did, I wouldn't know what to expect in return if I made the offer. Please tell me what to do. -- CONCERNED FOR ELI IN KANSAS

DEAR CONCERNED: Eli's irritability and lethargy could be depression related to his credit worries. Or it could be something else. Try to coax him to talk about what "might" be causing it, and suggest the two of you consult his doctor to be sure there's nothing physically wrong.

If you can't get him to open up, you may have to admit you know about his money problem. However, do not offer to bail him out. Instead, urge him to solve his problem by making an appointment with a credit counselor.

You can help him to find a reputable credit counseling firm by checking with the Better Business Bureau for the debt management companies he's considering. Also, be sure to ask if the company is a member of the National Foundation for Credit Counseling or the Association of Independent Consumer Credit Counseling Agencies. Both of these groups impose "best practices" standards on their members. This will prevent your partner from being exploited.

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DEAR ABBY: I was disappointed by your answer to "Wondering in Illinois," who is jealous of his wife's best friend, "Cassandra." You accused her of having a "girlfriend" (and I know you meant in the romantic sense rather than platonic). You told him they were due for a long talk.

In my opinion, the problem is the husband's raging jealousy. What's the evidence of lesbian activity? Their vacations together? The phone calls? Obviously, this woman is having the kind of fun with her friend that she hasn't had with her nasty, suspicious husband in a long time. (I bet he hardly has two words for her if a game is on television.)

Isn't one of the signs of an abuser when he starts wanting to control his wife's friends? I think her husband needs to get a life and some friends of his own. -- KEELAH IN ITHACA, N.Y.

DEAR KEELAH: When I advised "Wondering" that he didn't appear to be the first on his wife's list of priorities, I was UNDERSTATING the problem. The wife's girlfriend gives her lavish gifts and pays for their trips together; they make frequent bets with oil massages as the payoff, spend hours a day talking or text-messaging, ignore the husband to the point of rudeness if he's around, and the normal routine of the household is forgotten because of the distraction. It's not one thing -- it's the aggregate. I stand by my answer. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I agree that "Wondering" needs to find out what's going on. A friend of mine was married 11 years to his high school sweetheart. She, too, began spending a lot of time with a female co-worker, and he was often excluded. In time, he began to resent the massages, trips, dinners together and other activities they shared without him. When he confronted her, she accused him of "trying to come between her and her best friend."

He got the shock of his life when he walked in unexpectedly one afternoon and caught them in a compromising position. His wife then demanded a divorce. Twelve years later, his former wife and her "best friend" are still a couple.

If "Wondering's" wife isn't romantically involved with her friend, it's time he finds out what's lacking in their relationship that she's getting from the girlfriend. -- ALSO WONDERING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ALSO WONDERING: Good point. If there isn't a romance going on, marriage counseling could do them a world of good. A marriage can be healed only if both parties want it to be and are willing to cooperate.

DEAR ABBY: It does appear that the wife may be having an affair with her friend. I am a member of the Straight Spouse Network, an organization started by Amity Pierce Buxton to help the straight spouse understand the coming-out process of their gay spouse.

The Straight Spouse Network is a worldwide organization whose membership comprises current or former heterosexual spouses/partners of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mates and mixed-orientation couples. Our members provide personal, confidential support and resource information to spouses, couples and families. We are the only support network of this kind in the world. -- MARIANNE IN GULFPORT, FLA.

DEAR MARIANNE: I am familiar with the Straight Spouse Network, which is allied with PFLAG, and have mentioned it in my column before. Dr. Buxton, who chairs the SSN, is a respected researcher and author of an excellent book, "The Other Side of the Closet" (John Wiley & Sons), that explains the gay spouse "dilemma" and offers strategies on how families can cope when the gay person "comes out." Not surprisingly, that's a complicated and emotionally wrenching process. The network's Web site is www.ssnetwk.org.

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