DEAR ABBY: My sister needs help. Her husband, "Dale," who has been in the Reserve for 15 years, is being deployed to Kuwait next month, and she's a mess. She went to the emergency room this morning because she thought she was having a heart attack. It was an anxiety attack. One minute she's distraught because he's leaving; the next she wants to divorce him.

"Andrea" was always proud of Dale's service. She has happily bragged that she's an officer's wife, about the pay, the retirement that will come their way, and the travel deals they have enjoyed staying at Army properties all over the country. Until now, she has supported the action in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Now, however, she has kicked Dale out of the house because she believes he has chosen the Army over their family. She says he won't be allowed to call or e-mail her or their two kids while he's on active duty.

Andrea refuses any suggestion of support services through the Army because she doesn't think the session will be kept confidential. Although I want to support her, I believe she's denying Dale the support he deserves. It infuriates me that she has been in favor of the military action as long as it involved other people's families and not her own.

Andrea and Dale have been married 20 years. She has never lived alone, nor does she have the means to support herself. She has been seeing a therapist for the past few months for depression, but her next session isn't for a few weeks. How can I help? What can anyone else do to help? -- CONCERNED SISTER

DEAR SISTER: Please put aside your anger and give your sister all the emotional support you can, because she's extremely needy right now. She has been hit with cold reality. Her behavior is irrational because she is frightened. Her husband is headed for a war zone from which he might not return. With her husband gone, she may also have to find a job to supplement his salary. She should be talking to her physician and clergyman as well as her therapist. (She may need medication as well as therapy to see her through.)

I hope your sister comes to her senses before it's too late, or she may spend the rest of her life regretting her immaturity and self-centeredness. Her attempts to punish her husband are counterproductive and could sabotage his peace of mind and safety. This is not a matter of choice. Her husband is fulfilling an obligation.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our late 20s, and we agreed to be the godparents of our niece when she was born. My husband's brother and the mother of our niece are not married. The baby now lives with her maternal grandparents because her parents are young and irresponsible. Both of them are on drugs, and at least one of them has charges pending.

Are we still responsible as godparents now that the parents no longer have custody? There is nothing in writing, and this is getting to be a very sticky situation. The little girl is in good hands now. Please advise us. -- UNSURE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR UNSURE: Do you want to serve as the child's godparents? If the answer is yes, pick up the phone and inform the grandparents that you were asked to be. If the parents of the baby are as irresponsible as you say, it may be news to them. If the grandparents are agreeable, I'm sure you can work it out between you.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband gave me a beautiful diamond and sapphire ring for our anniversary. Because it was too large, I took it to a jeweler who has worked on many pieces for me. After looking at the ring, he asked me where it came from. I told him it was a gift from my husband.

When I asked the jeweler why he asked, he informed me that the sapphire was synthetic and the "diamonds" were, in fact, cubic zirconia. I was shocked, and now I don't know what to do. I'm not certain whether or not to tell my husband. I don't want him to think I don't like the ring, in case he knew what he was purchasing. It is beautiful, and I will love wearing it regardless. However, if he bought the ring thinking it was the real McCoy, he may have spent a lot more on it than it is worth.

Because my husband has always given me exquisite jewelry, I suspect he doesn't know. Should I share this information with him or keep my mouth shut? -- STUCK IN STONE MOUNTAIN, GA.

DEAR STUCK: Tell your husband that you took the ring to the jeweler to have it sized and what he told you. Assure him that you love it and want to keep it "regardless." He may have bought it from the Home Shopping Network, or he may have been taken advantage of by a jeweler. Either way, it will clear the air.

DEAR ABBY: Over the past few years, I have noticed an increased number of restaurants putting the silverware in a napkin and then setting the rolled napkin on a bare table. I have seen this at both casual dining restaurants and even some fine dining establishments.

I was taught to place my napkin on my lap as soon as I sit down, but I don't like leaving my silverware on the bare table. I have tried placing the silverware on the bread plate, creating an awkward pile that is not conducive to eating bread, especially when butter gets involved. When there is no bread plate, I have resorted to placing my silverware on a sugar packet -- a faux pas, but I'd prefer that to leaving my silverware on a bare table.

What should I do the next time I encounter this situation? -- GERM-PHOBIC IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR GERM-PHOBIC: Ask your server for some extra cloth napkins so you can "create" your own placemat. If you (nicely) express your concerns to your server, most restaurants will happily accommodate your request. Alternatively, you can bring your own disposable paper placemat with you. (Buy a package at the supermarket and keep it in your car.)

DEAR ABBY: Next week I go back to school. I'm only 11, and I'm scared to go to middle school. I miss everyone at my old school. I miss my best friend. We met when we were 6. She isn't going to middle school.

I feel so sad, like everything has changed. Did it ever happen to you when you were little? -- GOING TO MIDDLE SCHOOL

DEAR GOING: Yes, as a matter of fact, it did. I was a couple of years older than you when my parents left the Midwest and moved to California. Let me share with you what I learned from the experience. Although changing schools can be scary, it can also be the start of a great adventure. Change is a fact of life. Please don't let it make you sad, because it's usually for the better. Trust me.

P.S. And just because you aren't at the same school doesn't mean you won't spend time with your friend anymore.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a physician and mother who goes to substantial lengths to avoid subjecting my 6-year-old son, "Brandon," to secondhand smoke. My husband and I feel so strongly about it that we let our nanny, "Edith," go because she persisted in smoking around Brandon. (She had stated on her employment application that she was a nonsmoker.)

Brandon recently returned from a week-long visit with my in-laws, "Connie" and "Fred," out of state. They are both aware of my concerns regarding secondhand smoke. When they visit us, Connie smokes outside or sneaks smokes in the bathroom. Before we sent Brandon to visit, I explicitly asked Connie not to smoke indoors during his visit, and she agreed.

When Brandon got home, I was shocked to hear that while he was there -- and without conferring with my husband or me -- Connie and Fred had invited our ex-nanny to spend part of the week with them. According to Brandon, Edith and Connie smoked in the kitchen and living room in his presence.

I am hurt that my in-laws refused to take our health concerns to heart. My husband wants to keep the peace, but suggests we not allow Brandon any more unsupervised visits with his grandparents. I feel my husband should discuss their lack of candor in agreeing not to expose Brandon to cigarette smoke, and not following through. It also seems odd that they'd invite an employee we had terminated to visit without clearing it with my husband or me. What do you think? -- SMOKING MAD IN ILLINOIS

DEAR MAD: Although you may be itching for a showdown, I see little to be gained by confronting your in-laws for their lack of judgment during their grandson's visit. By allowing your son no more unsupervised visits with his grandparents, you will send a strong, but subtler, message. Listen to your husband.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's sister, "Dayna," is moving here from her mother's house, 200 miles away. She says she needs to get away from her mother. My husband, without consulting me, told her she could stay with us.

Dayna and I don't get along, and never have. I have problems with my mother-in-law, too, and I know that within a few months she'll be moving right behind her daughter. My husband's family has caused a lot of problems in our marriage. If there isn't any commotion in their lives, they have to create it. We moved here to get away from them.

If that isn't enough, I am due to give birth to our third child any day. I cringe when I think of another adult in our house, because we don't have room. My husband says he told Dayna she'll have to find a place of her own within a couple of weeks, but I don't see that happening. She doesn't even have a car.

This has caused me super-stress. I would like to enjoy our new baby as stress-free as possible, but it won't happen with my sister-in-law around. Please help. -- ABOUT TO DELIVER IN KANSAS

DEAR ABOUT TO DELIVER: Tell your husband that with your due date so close, having another adult in a crowded house will not work. Then pick up the phone, call your sister-in-law and inform her that with the arrival of the new baby, you'll be unable to accommodate her after all. Therefore, she'll have to stay elsewhere while she looks for a job and lodging -- or postpone her escape from her mother. Do it NOW. Nothing is more important than your health and well-being -- and that of your baby -- at this time.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

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