DEAR ABBY: I am a physician and mother who goes to substantial lengths to avoid subjecting my 6-year-old son, "Brandon," to secondhand smoke. My husband and I feel so strongly about it that we let our nanny, "Edith," go because she persisted in smoking around Brandon. (She had stated on her employment application that she was a nonsmoker.)

Brandon recently returned from a week-long visit with my in-laws, "Connie" and "Fred," out of state. They are both aware of my concerns regarding secondhand smoke. When they visit us, Connie smokes outside or sneaks smokes in the bathroom. Before we sent Brandon to visit, I explicitly asked Connie not to smoke indoors during his visit, and she agreed.

When Brandon got home, I was shocked to hear that while he was there -- and without conferring with my husband or me -- Connie and Fred had invited our ex-nanny to spend part of the week with them. According to Brandon, Edith and Connie smoked in the kitchen and living room in his presence.

I am hurt that my in-laws refused to take our health concerns to heart. My husband wants to keep the peace, but suggests we not allow Brandon any more unsupervised visits with his grandparents. I feel my husband should discuss their lack of candor in agreeing not to expose Brandon to cigarette smoke, and not following through. It also seems odd that they'd invite an employee we had terminated to visit without clearing it with my husband or me. What do you think? -- SMOKING MAD IN ILLINOIS

DEAR MAD: Although you may be itching for a showdown, I see little to be gained by confronting your in-laws for their lack of judgment during their grandson's visit. By allowing your son no more unsupervised visits with his grandparents, you will send a strong, but subtler, message. Listen to your husband.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's sister, "Dayna," is moving here from her mother's house, 200 miles away. She says she needs to get away from her mother. My husband, without consulting me, told her she could stay with us.

Dayna and I don't get along, and never have. I have problems with my mother-in-law, too, and I know that within a few months she'll be moving right behind her daughter. My husband's family has caused a lot of problems in our marriage. If there isn't any commotion in their lives, they have to create it. We moved here to get away from them.

If that isn't enough, I am due to give birth to our third child any day. I cringe when I think of another adult in our house, because we don't have room. My husband says he told Dayna she'll have to find a place of her own within a couple of weeks, but I don't see that happening. She doesn't even have a car.

This has caused me super-stress. I would like to enjoy our new baby as stress-free as possible, but it won't happen with my sister-in-law around. Please help. -- ABOUT TO DELIVER IN KANSAS

DEAR ABOUT TO DELIVER: Tell your husband that with your due date so close, having another adult in a crowded house will not work. Then pick up the phone, call your sister-in-law and inform her that with the arrival of the new baby, you'll be unable to accommodate her after all. Therefore, she'll have to stay elsewhere while she looks for a job and lodging -- or postpone her escape from her mother. Do it NOW. Nothing is more important than your health and well-being -- and that of your baby -- at this time.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

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DEAR ABBY: "Jeff" and I have been married nine years. Before that, we lived together for four years. We have 13 years invested in this relationship. He is 42; I am 38.

Jeff is a good person. He doesn't lie, cheat, drink, abuse me or gamble. So what's my problem? The sex was great in the beginning of our marriage, but in the last six or seven years there has been nothing. Zilch! Jeff has no sex drive at all.

Jeff says, "Sex isn't everything." When I suggested seeing a doctor, he flatly refused. When I suggested counseling, all he said was, "No way!" Abby, I have begged, pleaded, cried, yelled, screamed and slept on the couch. All to no avail.

Am I oversexed? His refusal to get help is really getting me down. Have you any ideas? -- FRUSTRATED IN PHOENIX

DEAR FRUSTRATED: You are not oversexed. Your husband has a problem. However, unless he is willing to admit it and agree to do something about it, there is nothing that you, I or anyone else can do about it.

Therefore, I suggest counseling -- for YOU. It will help you objectively to evaluate whether or not you can accept living in a sexless marriage.

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law, "Opal," was given $1,000 by my father-in-law for an 80th birthday party luncheon for my mother-in-law. Opal made all the plans. She decided to hold it at her home, since she's wealthy and the place is large and gorgeous.

Well, it seems that Opal went way over budget. Last night she called and asked us to pitch in to cover the extra costs. My husband and I were appalled that she'd exclude us from the planning and then expect us to help cover her extravagance.

We are middle-class, casual folks. My husband recently lost his job, and we're in the middle of relocating to another state where he's starting a new one. We're not broke, but we have already paid for plane tickets to attend the luncheon, and that's a large expenditure for us.

Please tell us what to say to Opal. Issues have come up in the past regarding money and my husband's family, and we have learned from experience not to go in on gifts with Opal anymore. -- IN A BIND IN OHIO

DEAR IN A BIND: Tell Opal you sympathize with her predicament. However, because your husband lost his job, you're in the middle of an expensive move, and the plane tickets were all you could afford to spend, that you're sorry but you can't afford to contribute. Your reasons are rational and pragmatic, and the truth will set you free.

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter is being married in two months to a wonderful Asian man. We love our future son-in-law as if he were our son. My husband and I do not have a problem with this issue. As long as our daughter and granddaughter are happy and being provided for -- which they are -- this marriage has our blessing.

We have received several comments from relatives that they do not attend mixed marriages or believe in them. Should these people receive an invitation? We don't want to hurt any family members, but they have hurt us. Knowing they are against the marriage, should they be invited? -- HURT IN TEXAS

DEAR HURT: You're off the hook. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who has gone on record as "not attending mixed marriages" should be crossed off the list. Not only would they add nothing to the occasion, they could also detract from it.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am not a pretty woman, and I'm certainly not photogenic. Over the years I have been in numerous pictures -- some with family members, some alone on special occasions.

When my family has get-togethers with other family members and/or friends, my mother always brings photographs that show me in the most unflattering poses or circumstances. I have told her this is hurtful and asked her to please stop. She says I'm a "poor sport" and that people aren't laughing at me, just at the picture.

I'm tired of being laughed at, and after 50 years, I think she should stop making me feel bad. Why does she do this, and do you think I'm just a poor sport? -- NEGATIVE ABOUT THE PHOTOS, MANHATTAN, KAN.

DEAR NEGATIVE: You're not a poor sport; your mother has a cruel streak. No one ever taught her that true humor lies in the ability to laugh WITH people rather than AT them.

Because this has been her pattern for 50 years, it's unlikely you will ever change her. However, it may console you to know that by insisting on displaying those unflattering pictures, your mother is revealing more about her character than anything in the photos.

DEAR ABBY: You answered a question from a reader who asked how to respond when her 300-pound friend wanted to ride her horse but was too heavy for the animal to safely carry.

What should I tell my daughter-in-law who weighs at least that much when she wants to sit on my living room sofa and chairs? She has already split the wood frame on one of them. It was less than seven months old. I had it repaired, but I can't afford new furniture. The chairs are not big enough for her body. I would prefer she sit on the kitchen chairs, which are heavy.

Their living room furniture is less than five years old, but it already looks 20 years old. The fabric is sagging and the springs are broken.

I asked my son to say something to her, but he hasn't. I feel he should be the one to tell her. They'll be visiting again soon. What should I say to her? Or should I insist that my son tell her? -- MINNESOTA MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR MINNESOTA M.I.L.: Before your son and daughter-in-law arrive, put one of the sturdy kitchen chairs in the living room. When your daughter-in-law comes in, guide her to the chair you want her to use. If she questions you about it, explain that after her last visit you had to have the chair she used repaired and that this one is sturdier. Say it kindly, but if she takes offense -- so be it.

DEAR ABBY: How do you ask a friend not to include you in fund-raising and parties? I have never been much of a party-goer. I dislike them and avoid them if I can. But I get tired of saying no. If I go, I can hardly wait to get back home -- and sometimes I get several invites to parties for pets, jewelry, pots and pans, etc., which I neither need nor can afford. Do you have any comments on this? -- STUCK IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR STUCK: You are only as "stuck" as you choose to be. As I see it, you have two choices: Refuse the invitations as they are received, or tell these hostess/entrepreneurs that you do not want to be invited to parties of this kind. Then, if they persist, recognize that "real" friends don't subject friends to temptation -- and take a giant step backward.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)