DEAR ABBY: I have what I consider to be a moral dilemma. My husband's grandfather, "John," is going to marry his "girlfriend" of more than 30 years this fall. I was very close to John's wife, "Doris," who died in November of last year.

Although John has done much for our families and we would like to support him in these, his later years, I have no respect for a woman who waits in the wings for decades until her "boyfriend's" wife dies, and then expects to marry him.

My husband and I, and other family members, would rather not attend the wedding, or have "Vivian" in our homes -- let alone our lives. Your advice and opinion are greatly appreciated. What should I as an in-law do about this situation? -- CONFUSED IN L.A.

DEAR CONFUSED: For starters, try becoming less judgmental. Although I don't approve of the extramarital affair, John did not dump his wife for the other woman. Doris is dead, and as much as you loved her, nothing will bring her back. My advice is to swallow hard, remember all that John has done for your families, and give Vivian a fair chance. She may not be as bad as you think she is. Besides, if you punish your husband's grandfather for marrying his longtime "friend," you may wind up shooting yourselves in the collective foot.

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Nora," and I married 20 years ago. She brought into our home -- and my life -- two young teenagers whose lives I shared with the normal amount of step-stress until they graduated from college. Both are now married with children.

My youngest daughter, "Mary," is now in her 20s. She's a college grad with a career. Her roommate is moving soon, and Mary (with whom I'm very close) would like to reduce her minor debts plus save enough to afford a cross-country relocation.

Mary casually suggested that she move in with Nora and me. Because I haven't shared a home with her since she was 5, I was delighted. Our large home would afford Mary her own private quarters and, since she's so quiet and respectful of our privacy, I was overjoyed that my daughter would want to share her life with us before she moved.

Imagine my shock when my wife, after years of my caring for her offspring, refused to even consider having Mary live with us, even for a six-month period! Nora's attitude has driven a huge wedge into our relationship. I would appreciate any advice you can offer, although I now dread the tension I suspect would occur even if my wife relented. -- DISILLUSIONED IN CLEVELAND

DEAR DISILLUSIONED: Your wife's reaction to the idea of your daughter moving in for six months may have been a reaction to the fact that she wasn't consulted before you agreed to it. When you married Nora, you knew she had teenagers and they were part of the package you were taking on.

I can't help thinking there's something missing from your letter. You did not mention what your wife's objections were. Could she be concerned that the six-month visit might extend even longer? Is there something about your daughter she's uncomfortable with? Whatever her concerns might be, you should at least understand what they are.

Because this issue has drive a "huge wedge" into your marriage, I recommend some sessions with a marriage counselor before the situation deteriorates further.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I live in a family-oriented neighborhood. My problem is my next-door neighbor flies his gay pride flag in his front yard. Because we have a lot of families with young children who do not need to be subjected to that kind of thing, I have asked him numerous times to remove it.

His response is it's a free country and he does not subject anybody to his lifestyle.

I strongly feel that in a neighborhood devoted to children's morals and the way life should be, he should not be allowed to have that flag in his front yard for everyone to see. I threatened if he didn't take it down, I'd call the police. I feel it's harming the children to see that flag flying, especially on a busy street that everyone travels on. What should I do? -- RIGHTEOUS IN NEW CASTLE, PA.

DEAR RIGHTEOUS: First of all, calm down. Your neighbor is hurting no one, and "young children" will not understand what the flag symbolizes. Unless there are codes, covenants or restrictions in your neighborhood governing the display of flags, your neighbor has a right to hoist his banner. Rather than picking a fight about something so insignificant, you should concentrate on cultivating your own garden and stop obsessing about what's going on in his.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of four years, "William," recently told me -- after a few cocktails -- that the reason he's afraid to get married is because he wouldn't get to have sex with anyone else. He told me that in high school and college, he was known to his friends as "the guy that always got any girl he went after" -- and I guess he's struggling with losing his freedom.

William is 27 now. Should I be seeing a red flag here? Does this mean he would be a womanizer if we do get married? -- WONDERING IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR WONDERING: I suspect the fear of taking a vow to "forsake all others" is one that's pretty common among boys. However, when the adolescent finally grows up, he usually realizes the value -- and importance -- of monogamy in a marital relationship.

Whether his attitude is a red flag for your future depends upon how much of your boyfriend's identity is tied up in being "William the conqueror." If he constantly has to prove to himself that he can get any girl he goes after, he may be using sex the way some people use alcohol or drugs -- and that's a problem that can destroy almost any marriage.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is being married in a few weeks. She chose to have a small, intimate wedding, followed by a dinner reception. The cost is $60 per person. She strictly limited the number of invitations according to her budget.

Abby, she now has more acceptances than invitations sent! It seems that many of the people who are coming have added other relatives to their response cards. One family added two teenagers, another added cousins of the groom that he has never even met. The guest list has grown by one-third.

Is there a way to handle this -- or are we in big trouble when the bill comes? -- HORRIFIED IN BEAUMONT, CALIF.

DEAR HORRIFIED: There's a way to handle it, but it must be done immediately. Whoever issued the invitations for each side of the family must call those relatives who have added others to their response cards, and inform them that for budgetary reasons, their guests cannot be accommodated. If any of those rude people offer to pay for the extra guests they added -- and a few may do that -- make sure to get the money up front.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am responding to the letter from "Sleepy in New York," whose dinner guests often stay well past their bedtime.

My late father used to tell a story that always made us laugh, and it ends with a line that "Sleepy" could use.

He had an aunt and uncle who lived in the Deep South and who had a similar problem with guests overstaying their welcome after dinner. If their guests hadn't left by the time they normally went to bed, his uncle would say to his aunt, "Well, Harriet, it's time to go to bed so these good folks can go home!" According to Dad, this line never failed to do the trick. -- CAROLYN IN ALLENTOWN, PA.

DEAR CAROLYN: I love the line. It's far more "couth" than "It's time you people hit the road so we can hit the sheets." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I had to respond to "Sleepy in New York." My father is also an early-to-bedder, and whenever we had company that stayed a little late, Dad would slip into his bedroom and put on his pajamas and robe. Then he'd return to the living room, winding his alarm clock.

Everyone always laughed and took the hint. -- LISA IN PIKEVILLE, TENN.

DEAR LISA: Your father should have been a performance artist. All he needed was a tape recording of "Goodnight, Sweetheart" playing in the background.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Sleepy," the early-riser who could not seem to get dinner guests to go home, brought back a funny memory.

Many years ago, after a dinner party, we had adjourned to the living room for coffee and continued conversation. It was approaching midnight and we were starting to nod off, wondering how we could politely "nudge" our guests out the door.

Suddenly, the mantel clock struck 12 and the living room lights, which we always kept on a timer and had forgotten to reset for the party, went off. Plunged into almost total darkness, our embarrassed guests leaped to their feet and said, "Oh, goodness, we had no idea it was so late!" We all laughed as we fumbled our way toward the well-lighted front hall and exchanged goodbyes.

The clock still strikes the hour. We have never bothered to turn the automatic timer off. -- SAVED BY THE BELL IN VA.

DEAR SAVED BY THE BELL: Nor should you turn it off. It's good insurance.

In a more serious vein, sometimes guests are afraid to leave a dinner party for fear of appearing rude to their hosts. One way to avoid the problem would be for the hosts, when extending the invitation, to say, "I'm giving a dinner party next Saturday between 7 and 10 p.m. Cocktails will start at 7 -- dinner will be served at 8." That way everyone will be clear about the time frame.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend exposed her breasts in front of a group of guys at a barbecue. I was very hurt by it and no longer have any respect for her. I can't forgive her for it, and I have broken off the relationship. She thinks I am wrong for feeling this way. What do you think? -- UNFORGIVING IN LOVELAND, COLO.

DEAR UNFORGIVING: Your feelings are your feelings, and you are entitled to them. The girl showed poor judgment. My immediate reaction is she must have been drunk when she did it. If that's not the case, she may be insecure and was making a bid for attention. Because you say you no longer respect her, I'd say it's time to find another girl who doesn't flash her headlights.

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