DEAR ABBY: I am a licensed counselor and adjunct faculty member in communications. I hope you will help me get a message out to parents who are sending their children off to college this fall. Every semester, I see kids who have a miserable college experience due to roommate conflicts. Some students become so distracted that their grades suffer, and some actually move back home.

A successful college experience requires both academic and social skills. Parents can prepare their children by teaching them the vital social skill of settling differences before they become overwhelming. This will not only help them make their college years successful, but also the rest of their lives.

I offer five tips for parents:

(1) OFFER SUGGESTIONS, NOT SOLUTIONS. Help your children become critical thinkers by imagining scenarios, considering possible outcomes and brainstorming solutions. Conflict resolution is a skill that needs to be practiced. Telling your children what to do -- or worse, handling the problem for them -- does more harm than good because it creates dependency.

(2) PREPARE FOR CONFLICT: Teach your child that conflict does not have to be negative; it can also be an opportunity to think creatively. Conflict is inevitable because people are different. Even best friends can have differences in needs, living habits, stress levels and communication skills.

(3) SHARE EXPECTATIONS. The more that's discussed beforehand, the better the relationship. Roommate contracts are popular today, and many universities require them as a way to get kids talking about their expectations. Encourage your child to discuss things like sleep and study habits, bills, sharing items, cleaning, and the best times to have visitors.

(4) ENCOURAGE FACE-TO-FACE CONVERSATIONS. More and more kids today would rather communicate through e-mail, IM and text-messaging rather than face-to-face. Without the benefit of facial expressions, tone of voice and body language, messages can be misunderstood. Also, warn kids that gossiping to others instead of talking directly to their roommate only escalates problems.

(5) ASK FOR HELP BEFORE THE SITUATION BECOMES CRITICAL. Residence life staff will help to mediate, as long as the student has already tried problem-solving face-to-face. (Unfortunately, too many students wait to mention that there's a problem until they want to move out, or, at the first sign of trouble, they report it to their RA expecting that person to solve it.) Campus counseling centers are also available for help if a roommate is exhibiting signs of mental illness such as depression, substance abuse or cutting. In addition, a counseling session can help your child learn to deal with stress and find better ways to manage the situation. -- SUSAN FEE, AUTHOR OF "MY ROOMMATE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!"

DEAR SUSAN: From time to time over the years, I have received mail from students complaining about "the roommate from hell." And you're right, too often people (of all ages) wait until the situation becomes critical before asking for help. I hope your suggestions will help parents to have some important conversations with their children before they fly the nest, because the subject is too important to cover in just one session. On their behalf, I thank you for writing.

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DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband, "Roy," learned he was HIV-positive last year. The only people who know are his doctors, his preacher, me and my current husband. Roy doesn't want our two grown daughters to find out because he doesn't want to be confronted with "questions." There are things about my ex and his lifestyle that I certainly don't want our girls to know about. However, I know that they love their daddy and would not dwell on how he got the virus but would act as his No. 1 support group.

If and when Roy's condition should progress into AIDS, I feel his daughters need to be there supporting him, not left out of the loop. I can't even begin to imagine how I could keep something like that a secret. What can I do? -- CAN'T DECIDE IN TEXAS

DEAR CAN'T DECIDE: For the time being, keep your husband's condition confidential. If and when his condition progresses into AIDS, revisit the question with him. At that time, I agree with you that your daughters should be told -- and he should be the one to do it. However, it is your husband's life and your husband's death, and his wishes should prevail.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I love dearly, but she does something that's driving a wedge between us. She copies everything about me -- from my perfume to my hairstyle to my jewelry.

I have always tried to have my own style, something that sets me apart from others, and to have my best friend copy me makes me furious. When we go to trade shows we look like Tweedledee and Tweedledum, and it's embarrassing.

I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't like it. People are starting to make fun of her behind her back. How can I communicate to her that she needs to find her own sense of self? -- CARBON-COPIED IN SANTA MARIA

DEAR CARBON-COPIED: I have received questions on the subject before. What your friend is doing can be very annoying, and friendships have ended over it. So speak up before it escalates.

Schedule a get-together with her someplace where you can talk privately and frankly. Tell her you realize that imitation is a form of flattery, but that she's making you uncomfortable, and people are beginning to notice and comment. Then cross your fingers and hope she complies -- because there is no guarantee she will.

DEAR ABBY: My brother "Ralph" recently became engaged. He relied on my mother to tell the rest of us (his siblings) his good news.

Ralph was wondering why nobody called to congratulate him the minute we heard. I say he should have been the one making the phone calls and telling us himself instead of Mother. It isn't like we have a lot of siblings. There are only four of us, including Ralph. Because we disagree on the proper etiquette, I told him I'd write you to find out what that is. -- UPSET SISTER, BRIDGEWATER, MASS.

DEAR UPSET SISTER: Let me guess what has been going on in your family for years -- your mother has been the family message center. If I'm right, then when Ralph told Mama, he expected her to spread the news.

A message to all of you: Mama isn't going to be here forever. So open the lines of communication and start speaking up for yourselves NOW. Not only will it bring you closer, it will prevent misunderstandings in the future.

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DEAR ABBY: "Deeply Concerned in Evanston" wrote you about the danger of a small child being left alone with a dog her niece had adopted from an animal shelter, because the dog was aggressive with other dogs. You advised that "anyone who would leave their little one around an animal who has shown aggressive tendencies was 'barking up the wrong tree,' and small children should not be around animals unless supervised." I agree. And as a former E.R. nurse -- as well as a former explosives-detection dog handler for the U.S. Air Force -- I would like to clarify.

The writer's concern that dogs may act in a prey response to small children was only partially correct. Dogs are pack animals. Their family is their "pack." In the pack, the dominant animal will offer a corrective bite on the nose of a younger dog to correct unacceptable behavior. That is why young children are so often bitten in the face. The dog feels it is offering "correction" to the child. And that is why it is imperative that dogs and young children never be left together unattended.

It is extremely important that the dog AND THE FAMILY learn dog obedience from the earliest possible age. Parents should find obedience classes that encourage or require the entire family to participate in training. If the child can speak clearly, he or she is old enough to give commands. This should be reinforced by the parents until the children can do for themselves. This shows the dog that it is subordinate to even the smallest human in the household. Consistency is the key: It is far more effective to consistently spend five minutes a day, EVERY day, than to spend one hour, once a week.

Do not allow the dog to exercise dominance over the family. This includes climbing on furniture (placing himself higher than his pack), jumping, or otherwise getting on, above, between or in front of family members.

For more information, I highly recommend two books by the Monks of New Skete, New York: "How to Be Your Dog's Best Friend" and "The Art of Raising a Puppy." They are the best I have ever read on this subject.

Thank you, Abby, for allowing me to get accurate information out there. I hope that it prevents unfortunate accidents for kids and their dogs. -- MYLES A. LYNCH, BLOOMFIELD, N.Y.

DEAR MYLES: I'm the one who should be thanking you -- for an enlightened letter that any aspiring dog owner can understand. Well-adjusted, well-trained animals do not happen by accident. They're the result of many months of effort and discipline on the part of both the dog and its owner.

P.S. I also know that the books you mentioned are very well-thought-of in the world of dog enthusiasts.

DEAR ABBY: Can you please define a "potluck" dinner? I thought it was a smorgasbord-type meal to which everyone contributed, and guests consumed whatever was brought. Lately, however, many hosts carefully plan the potluck with assigned dishes. I think that takes the fun out of it. -- ELIZABETH IN MANCHESTER, CONN.

DEAR ELIZABETH: My Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (10th Edition) defines "potluck" as "the regular meal available to a guest for whom no special preparations have been made," or as "a communal meal to which people bring food to share." And you're right; they can be fun -- as long as the participants don't all bring the same thing. The hosts may be trying to ensure that the guests enjoy a balanced meal, with a certain number of appetizers, salads, entrees and desserts to choose from -- and that seems like sensible planning to me.

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