DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old college student and have been dating "Cody" for six years. Four years ago, my mother decided she didn't like him. She told me to either dump him or to forget about going to college.

Not wanting to give up either one, I began to secretly date Cody. I'll be graduating in one more year, and I know that Cody will ask me to marry him. Should I wait another year -- until I'm out of college -- to tell my mother so she can't keep me from obtaining my degree? Or should I tell her the truth now, so it won't be such a big shock that I'm engaged? I can't just be engaged to a guy I supposedly haven't seen in years. -- UNDECIDED IN TEXAS

DEAR UNDECIDED: You are an adult. Please start acting like one, and inquire at your college about alternative financing for your last year of college. You may qualify for some kind of scholarship, or you may need to take out a student loan and get a part-time job so you won't be dependent upon your mother to complete your education.

If you are mature enough to become engaged, you should be strong enough to level with your mother. She may not be as dumb as you think she is, but don't expect her to be thrilled to learn that she has been lied to. On a more positive note, you and your fiance will have finally cleared the air and asserted your independence as adults, and that's a step in the right direction.

DEAR ABBY: Every time we visit my in-laws, they feed my wife food that's laced with peppers. Abby, my wife gets sick when she eats peppers, and I gently remind them during the cooking process about this. Yet the little suckers still appear in everything that's offered to her.

Short of stealing all the peppers in the house before a meal is made, what else can I do? -- UPSET IN HOUSTON

DEAR UPSET: Make sure your wife is well-fed before she visits the in-laws. And keep a stash of fruit and energy bars in the car if the visit is going to last more than three hours.

DEAR ABBY: Every time we visit my in-laws, they feed my wife food that's laced with peppers. Abby, my wife gets sick when she eats peppers, and I gently remind them during the cooking process about this. Yet the little suckers still appear in everything that's offered to her.

Short of stealing all the peppers in the house before a meal is made, what else can I do? -- UPSET IN HOUSTON

DEAR UPSET: Make sure your wife is well-fed before she visits the in-laws. And keep a stash of fruit and energy bars in the car if the visit is going to last more than three hours.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Girard," and I have been married two years. We both have children from previous marriages. Girard always told me I would have a home if I outlived him, even though his children will eventually inherit the property.

One day I asked Girard if it was in the will, and he said no, but that he and his children "had discussed it." When I asked him to put it on paper, he agreed. His attorney drafted a document for him to sign. After it had laid around the house for more than a week, Girard told me he had lost it. I reminded him to get another copy, sign and return it. After two more weeks passed with no signed document, Girard told me his attorney was "busy" and "would get to it when he could."

I decided to call the attorney myself. Well, you guessed it. I was told the papers had been executed. When I confronted Girard he admitted he had lied and promised to have the will done over. When I looked at the document he had signed, I saw that Girard was giving me 90 days to get out of the house after his death.

I was upset, so he tore up the document. Am I being unreasonable? I am 76, and he is 84. -- DOESN'T WANT TO BE HOMELESS IN BATON ROUGE

DEAR DOESN'T: It's not unreasonable to want a roof over your head should your husband predecease you. Thank heavens you found out now what was planned for you, rather than being hit with it while you were helpless and grieving. Now that you know how your husband thinks, consult an attorney of your own and find out exactly what your rights are as a wife in the state of Louisiana. The law can vary from state to state, and it is extremely important that you know what you are entitled to.

DEAR ABBY: A situation recently came up at my 11-year-old son's funeral. My paternal grandmother found out I had asked that my father not be told when the funeral was. (He had never met my son nor does he have a relationship with me.) Grandma vehemently insisted that I get over "whatever problem" I had with my father and start inviting him to family functions that involve me.

The problem is, my father molested me from the age of 10 until I was 16. (I am now 33.) I have cut him completely out of my life and intend to keep him away from my other son. I do not wish to start a huge family scandal, nor do I wish to ever come face to face with my father and confront him. I only recently told my mother about the abuse because the funeral brought out my feelings of anger about my father, and she began asking me why I hate him so much. Now she wants me to tell my grandmother so she will understand why I don't want my father anywhere near me or my child.

Grandma is not in the best of health, but I feel that should she live to be 100, she need never know what a monster her son is. I'd rather look like the bad guy to her than risk telling her something that might harm her.

Please tell me the right thing to do. -- GETTING ON WITH MY LIFE IN NEVADA

DEAR GETTING ON: You have already been victimized once, please do not also make yourself a martyr. Listen to your mother. People don't die from hearing unpleasant news. Explain to your grandmother your reason for not wanting your father around. By doing so, you will not only protect yourself and your child from your molester, but also from her well-meaning but misguided efforts to "reunite" the family.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Jack" for 25 years. Jack is not unfaithful, nor does he drink or beat me. He has high morals and claims to be a Christian. He is a stepfather to my four grown children.

Jack says that when my son was a teenager, he and some of his friends stole things from our garage and a piece of jewelry from our bedroom. (My son is now 28 and married with two children.)

We have a large bonus room in our home that contains expensive recording equipment and musical instruments. Jack keeps this room locked unless he's at home. Even when he goes out and I stay home, Jack locks the door. Jack recently bought a new, very large storage shed that has a lock on it, too -- and only one key. He also keeps a post office box for which I don't have a key.

I have asked my husband nicely for keys to these spaces. Jack either ignores my requests or gives me reasons why I "don't need" keys. This is beginning to create a wedge between us.

I work every day at a well-paying job and contribute as much as Jack does to our income. Our children are long gone, and we live alone in our home. I have given him no reason not to trust me. Help! -- LOCKED OUT IN TENNESSEE

DEAR LOCKED OUT: Tell your husband that you do "need" keys to the bonus room, the shed and the P.O. box because you feel locked out of his life. Although everyone needs a little privacy, your husband's need appears to be growing. What could he be getting at the post office that he doesn't want delivered to your mailbox? People as secretive as your husband usually have something to hide. It may take marriage counseling to get to the bottom of this, but do not let the subject drop until this is resolved.

DEAR ABBY: I am 10 years old. My best friend, "Elizabeth," can't communicate with her mom or her new stepdad because every night and day they go out to bars and get very drunk. Elizabeth's mom is disabled, and she is always trying to kill herself.

She can't say "hi," "good morning" or "I love you" to her mom because they don't have time to talk to her. They tell her they have to work, but they go to the bars instead.

Can you give me some advice on what I can do to help Elizabeth? -- CARING FRIEND, OLYMPIA, WASH.

DEAR CARING FRIEND: How sad that when parents were handed out, your friend was so severely shortchanged. Although you can't improve her home situation, you can let her know she is welcome to spend as much time with you as your parents will allow, and if she needs to talk, your mother will listen and help if she can. You may be only 10, but that would be a generous and powerful favor to extend to someone who needs one.

DEAR ABBY: Do you know what the term "grass widow" means? How did it originate, and is it disrespectful? -- INSULTED -- MAYBE, IN SPARTANBURG, S.C.

DEAR INSULTED -- MAYBE: Although various dictionaries differ on the date of origin, according to "American Slang," the abridged edition of the "New Dictionary of American Slang" by Robert L. Chapman (Harper Paperbacks), the moniker dates back to the late 1800s. It is used to describe, "A woman who is alone because of divorce, separation, rejection, etc. (because her husband is still above the grass rather than under it)." I'm sad to say that historically the term has not been used as a compliment because at one time it was used to describe a "discarded mistress."

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