DEAR ABBY: The letter from "In Love Again," whose wife died of cancer four months ago and who insists he's ready to remarry, impelled me to write. My husband died suddenly nine months ago. He was only 47. (I am 48.) I joined a grief support group for people under 50.

In one of the sessions, the subject of hasty remarriage was discussed. The counselor leading the group dropped this pearl of wisdom: "Women grieve alone, and men grieve with another woman."

I agree with you and with "In Love's" pastors that four months is too soon to become engaged. If he can find a support group like the one I had, he should go. It gave me tools to cope and affirmation that I wasn't crazy as I experienced the stages of grief. -- BEEN THERE IN MANSFIELD, MASS.

DEAR BEEN THERE: Although I warned "In Love Again" to take his time, some readers disagreed. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My first wife died unexpectedly in 1991. Eight months later, I married a widow I'd known for 12 years. Some of my seven children were so angry they refused to attend the wedding. That really hurt.

To make a long story short, we celebrate every month of marriage with an anniversary card that I create on my computer, flowers from the grocery store, and dinner at a nice restaurant. We just celebrated our 163rd month anniversary. Tell that man to get married! -- JOE F. IN INDIO, CALIF.

DEAR JOE F.: If the two of you are happy, I'm happy for you. However, you knew your present wife for 12 years before you married her. "In Love" has known his lady friend only four months. Call me cautious, but that's an awfully short time.

DEAR ABBY: My father, a prominent minister of a large church, married his secretary three months after my mother's death from cancer. After mother's funeral, Dad was besieged by a hoard of single women offering food, help ... and more. His marriage may have been partly in self-defense.

My brother, my wife and I loved the new wife. She was wonderful for Dad during the five years before their deaths in a car accident. Although I agree with your advice to take it more slowly, I'm glad Dad had a great partner in his final years. Good luck to "In Love Again." -- LOWELL IN DENVER

DEAR LOWELL: I'm sorry your father's time with his second wife was so short. Several readers wrote to say that if "In Love" is a senior citizen, his age should be taken into consideration.

DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter from "In Love Again," it was like I was revisiting my recent past. Today marks exactly one year and one day since I lost my beloved wife to cancer. We were married 13 years.

I was lonely, depressed and starved for physical intimacy. Two months later, I began dating a woman at work. It wasn't long before I thought I had met the next "love of my life." Despite warnings from family, friends and co-workers, I persisted. I isolated myself from anyone who said I was making a mistake.

The relationship finally ran its course, and we ended it. Now that I have some perspective, I see I was blind to what everyone who cared about me could see: It was happening too soon and for all the wrong reasons.

I encourage "In Love" to slow down. If it's true love, and not a reaction to grief and loneliness, it'll stand the test of time. If not, he'll be doing himself and the lady a big favor. -- ROBERT IN LAS VEGAS

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: We have a stalker living in our apartment building. It's the residential manager, "Jerry." The owners of the building have been called several times about it, but all they say is, "He's just weird."

Several women tenants say he's harassing them. Jerry has tried to enter their apartments late at night. One lady feels her safety is being threatened because he goes through the halls announcing that she is alone now. When she informed her doctor about it, he said he was going to call the sheriff.

One of the women is thinking about asking to have deadbolt locks installed on the inside of our doors. Have you any other suggestions? -- SINGLE AND WORRIED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR WORRIED: Just this. Although a landlord may be entitled to have access to an apartment, that access has to be reasonable. Tenants have rights, and the concerned tenants in your building should consult a real estate attorney who can review your leases and explain what your rights are. Jerry appears to be more than weird; his behavior seems bizarre and I don't blame you for being concerned about it.

DEAR ABBY: My 11-year-old son, "Noah," still wets the bed. I did, too, until I was 12 -- so I know how humiliating it is. My husband, "Phil," thinks Noah is just too lazy to get up and that he's doing it on purpose.

Phil makes nasty comments to Noah that chip away at his self-esteem. No matter how many times we've talked about this, Phil just doesn't get it. He's not a verbal abuser; he is just ignorant. Maybe hearing an opinion from a professional will make my husband realize it's not just me protecting my child. -- CONCERNED MOM IN APPLE VALLEY

DEAR CONCERNED MOM: I disagree with you. Your husband may be ignorant, but he is also a verbal abuser. The professional who needs to set your husband straight is your son's pediatrician. Your boy may be an unusually deep sleeper, or he may have some kind of physical or emotional problem. Belittling him isn't the answer. It will only create a resentment on your son's part that will last a lifetime.

DEAR ABBY: Can you clarify a question that has been brought up here at my workplace? The ladies in my office have a difference of opinion about what "spending the night" means. If you sleep at someone's house and get up the next morning to go home and get dressed, brush your teeth, etc. -- does this mean that you have spent the night? A few of the ladies say this isn't spending the night, but rather, "getting home really late."

Your opinion, please. -- ARGUING SEMANTICS, STANDARDSVILLE, VA.

DEAR ARGUING: "Getting home really late" implies that the person has rested her head on her own pillow -- at least for a while. If she has gone home only to change clothes, let's be honest -- she has not only "spent the night," she has also spent the early hours of the morning.

DEAR ABBY: I recall your saying that if you find out your significant other or spouse has been in an affair, you should get tested for various STDs. Exactly which ones should I be tested for? -- NEVER THOUGHT I'D NEED TO KNOW IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR NEVER: Talk to your doctor and ask to be tested for all of them.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This letter concerns your advice to the mother of the young woman "Allie," who had been drinking and got into a car accident that killed the other driver. The mother said her daughter felt terrible about it and asked if her daughter should send a sympathy card to the grieving family. You told her that instead of a sympathy card, an abject letter of apology was more appropriate.

My daughter was released from jail last Valentine's Day after serving seven months of a one-year sentence. She was at fault for the death of a man because she tried to pass a car and ended up in a head-on collision. My daughter was speeding, sober and nearly died herself. She, too, was very sorry and insisted on sending the family a letter –- against her attorney's advice.

A letter will not make the deceased's survivors feel better. They will use it against her in court. The courts will punish Allie. That girl doesn't need a lynch mob; she needs to leave it alone.

Today my daughter wishes she hadn't written the letter. Accidents happen, and they change lives forever! -- LET GO AND LET GOD

Dear L.G.: I have a stack of letters echoing your sentiments on this subject. When I wrote my answer, I did not take into consideration that there could be legal ramifications. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: While I have no sympathy for drunk drivers, that girl should not contact the other family at this time. Although the mother didn't say so in her letter, her daughter, "Allie," will likely be charged with some form of homicide. Any letter she writes might be seen as an admission of guilt by the prosecuting attorney. Allie should apologize only when any trial is over. -- NANCY IN GAYLORD, MICH.

DEAR NANCY: Thank you for pointing that out to me and my readers.

DEAR ABBY: As a risk manager, I can tell you that putting an apology in writing would be detrimental to the girl in the lawsuit that is sure to be filed soon. Everything she says can and will be used against her.

I suggest that "Allie" get counseling for her feelings, and also enroll herself in an alcohol abuse program. Doing it before it is court-ordered will benefit her, and it will also confirm the guilt she feels. -- LUCI IN HUNTINGTON BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR LUCI: Counseling is an excellent idea, as soon as the girl is up to it.

DEAR ABBY: I can tell you from experience that the family of that victim will not feel better after receiving a letter of apology. It will only hurt the survivors by highlighting that the young woman survived, but their child, wife, sibling, etc. did not. Whatever peace they may have attained so far (if any) will be shattered and their emotions inflamed.

Speaking as a family member of a victim, I assume the other driver is sorry. I am not interested in letting that person unburden him– or herself to me or having any personal contact with them. It is almost insulting that the person would think a written note would make me feel better. (It goes without saying that cards should not be sent to the grief-stricken family -– notes only.) Your advice should have been that any kind of communication at this time would be inappropriate without knowing more of the facts. -- STILL GRIEVING IN HOUSTON

DEAR STILL GRIEVING: Please accept my sympathy for the tragic loss of your family member. And thank you for discussing your feelings on this painful subject. I retract my answer to that question.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)