DEAR ABBY: My son "Vince's" mother-in-law, "Dotty," has never had a driver's license because she never learned how to parallel park. She only has a learner's permit.

After Vince married her daughter, "Lynn," Dotty was stopped by the police for a traffic violation. She gave them her daughter's name and address and told them she had "forgotten her wallet." The point went on Lynn's record and her car insurance shot up $150.

During the latest incident, someone hit Dotty's car in a parking lot. Dotty again pretended she was Lynn. The police were summoned and demanded Dotty's driver's license. When she handed them her learner's permit, her car was hauled away and now she has to appear in court for driving without a license with no licensed driver in the car.

When Vince was contacted by the insurance company, he told them the whole story. Dotty thought Lynn would just forget the incident and she'd be home free. She still drives her car every day.

To get even with Vince for ratting her out, Dotty refused to give my grandson his medicine while she baby-sat him. How should my daughter-in-law deal with this nasty woman? -- OUTRAGED IN ELMIRA, N.Y.

DEAR OUTRAGED: Now that your son and his wife know her mother won't hesitate to take out her anger on the child, they should not allow her to be around him again unless both of them are supervised.

DEAR ABBY: Our loving, compassionate daughter was stricken with a mental illness in her sophomore year of college. My husband and I have experienced much pain -- but not nearly as much as our daughter has. She is much improved due to medication and her incredible bravery, but she is never free from the delusions and hallucinations. It is such a cruel disease because the thoughts and senses you have come to trust in your first 20 years of life suddenly play tricks on you.

While it is no longer politically correct to joke about gender, race, sexual orientation and intelligence, we still encounter people regularly who refer to someone in conversation as "crazy," "certifiable," "retarded" or "schizo." This happens even with people who know what we've been through.

I don't want to be rude, but I want people to know that mental problems are no laughing matter. How should I respond to this? -- HURT AND OFFENDED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR HURT AND OFFENDED: Just say, "I know you don't mean to be hurtful, but because our daughter is battling a mental illness, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use those terms. Thank you."

DEAR ABBY: I am a 27-year-old woman. I have just heard that a former boyfriend I haven't seen in more than five years committed suicide by overdosing on OxyContin. He would have been 30 this year.

His parents blame me for "making him crazy," so I have been told not to attend his memorial service or send condolences. How can I properly pay respects to my old friend? -- READY TO GRIEVE IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR READY TO GRIEVE: Memorials are to comfort the survivors. Because your presence would be painful for your friend's parents, you should not attend. If you wish to pay respects and say goodbye, visit the cemetery at a later date and do it privately.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 27-year-old woman. I have just heard that a former boyfriend I haven't seen in more than five years committed suicide by overdosing on OxyContin. He would have been 30 this year.

His parents blame me for "making him crazy," so I have been told not to attend his memorial service or send condolences. How can I properly pay respects to my old friend? -- READY TO GRIEVE IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR READY TO GRIEVE: Memorials are to comfort the survivors. Because your presence would be painful for your friend's parents, you should not attend. If you wish to pay respects and say goodbye, visit the cemetery at a later date and do it privately.

DEAR ABBY: My 44-year-old brother-in-law, "Bryce," still lives at home. He has never dated, nor has he had any kind of adult relationship in his life. He is extremely affectionate toward children, especially males. He buys gifts for the neighborhood kids, and they all think the world of him. My in-laws say Bryce is just a big kid and harmless. I think his behavior is abnormal.

Last week, I came home early from work. When I came through the door, I surprised Bryce saying goodbye to my 10-year-old son. Bryce was rubbing his hands up and down my son's arms and saying, "Goodbye, sweetheart. I love you." When he saw me, Bryce immediately stopped. He seemed caught off guard and embarrassed, and left quickly.

My husband was in another part of the house and didn't see or hear his brother and our son by the back door. I expressed my concern to my husband later, after our son had gone to bed. I told him I was uncomfortable about the idea of his brother being alone with our son. My husband dismissed the whole thing, saying Bryce is harmless. My gut tells me otherwise. What should I do? -- WORRIED MOM IN NEW YORK

DEAR WORRIED: Listen to your gut and talk to your child about what is appropriate behavior -- and "touch" -- and what isn't. Sometimes children who have been molested keep it a secret because they feel they are responsible for it and are afraid they'll be punished.

Tell your son that no matter what, he can always come to you and tell you anything because you love him and you're on his side. Let him know that if he has any questions about anything, you will make the time to hear them and answer them honestly. Repeat that message often. It's one way to protect your child, and will reap many dividends.

DEAR ABBY: I have known a certain 14-year-old girl, "Haley," since she was 7. I help take care of her now and then because her mother is a drug addict and is rarely around. Haley lives at her friend's house, and she is starting to become sexually active. She goes very far, but hasn't gone all the way yet.

Would it be wrong of me to take Haley to a birth control clinic and have the counselors speak with her and get her on birth control? The woman she lives with doesn't seem to care what the girl does and figures she shouldn't have to because it isn't her kid. This young lady needs to be steered in the right direction and I want to help. -- WORRIED IN BRIDGEVIEW, ILL.

DEAR WORRIED: You are caring and intelligent. With no adult supervision, your young friend is on a collision course with disaster. You are in a position to prevent it from happening. By all means take her to a clinic where she can not only get birth control, but also learn how to prevent a sexually transmitted disease that could damage her health and/or fertility. It would be a tremendous kindness.

DEAR ABBY: I have six sisters. We all share the same mother, but only one sister has the same father as I do. This is my only "real" sister, right? The others are my stepsisters, right? Please answer this. -- NEEDS TO KNOW, ROCHESTER, N.Y.

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: The sister who shares the same father with you is your full-blooded sister. The other five are your half-sisters. Stepsisters are related by marriage only.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My parents have always assumed that if anything happened to me and my husband, they would be named guardians of our two children, ages 7 and 4 months. We have, however, decided to name our best friends, "Gabrielle" and "Frank."

When we asked them to be guardians, they said they would be honored. Gabby and Frank have two kids, 7 and 11 months. We rarely differ on parenting techniques, and they have always treated our children like their own.

We chose to go outside the family because half our siblings live far away and we don't want the children moved. The siblings who have remained in our hometown all have problems with drugs and/or alcohol. Mother is a wonderful grandmother, but she suffers from frequent migraines and has a touch of emphysema. A weekend with both grandchildren completely exhausts her. Dad loves the kids but has little patience with them. He also drinks too much, and that's not the environment I want my kids raised in.

Because we're going outside the family, we will include strict visitation rights for my parents.

Mom will be very upset when we tell her she won't get custody and will probably stop speaking to me. Would it be OK not to tell her and let her find out if and when the will is read? If not, how can I tell her without destroying our relationship? -- WORRIED UP NORTH

DEAR WORRIED: Assuming that you and your husband are in good health, I see no reason to make any announcements about the contents of your will. Should your mother raise the subject, do not lie to her; explain your reasons in the same way that you have explained them to me, because they are valid.

Because you are concerned about her being hurt if you predecease her and she finds out she was not named guardian, enclose a letter to her with your will, to be read by her in the event of your death. That way, she will understand your reasons for making the decision you did.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl, and lately I have been desperately yearning to go out and do something -- like go to a distant country and help the people there. I have even considered running away.

I haven't discussed this with my mother, because I'm afraid she will put me on more Zoloft or send me to another psychiatrist. She is an avid Dear Abby reader, so please, if you print this, don't print my name or city. Is there anything you can do to help? -- WANTS TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN TENNESSEE

DEAR WANTS TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE: I'm not sure you need my help. Wanting to make a difference in the world is a positive impulse, not a symptom of mental illness. It has energized people like Albert Schweitzer, Mother Teresa and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., to name a few, as well as legions of idealistic young people who have joined the Peace Corps.

Please have a little more faith in your mother and talk to her about your feelings. I'm sure she will be proud of you. Before packing any bags and heading for places unknown, consider this: You can change the world by starting small and building up to it. There are many volunteer agencies in your community that would welcome the help of an enthusiastic, energetic young person like yourself. Your mother can help you find some.