DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Mr. Right," and I have been together three years. He wasn't born in this country, but he became a citizen quite a while ago.

His mother says she "loves me to death" and brags about me to all her friends, but she frequently makes comments that "Americans are stupid." She also calls my mother stupid because she has been married three times and has three children by three different men.

I have told Mr. Right that this hurts me deeply and asked him to say something to his mother about it, because I'm concerned that one day I'll lose my temper. He still hasn't said anything.

We are being married next year, and I'm afraid this will cause a problem between his mother and me. How can I tell her how offended I am without hurting her? -- UPSET IN SPARTANBURG, S.C.

DEAR UPSET: The next time your fiance's mother calls Americans stupid, remind her that her son is now a proud American. And the next time she makes an insulting comment about your mother, tell her you find it extremely hurtful when she puts your mother down. If the woman persists after that, you'll know she really doesn't "love you to death," and that if you marry "Mr. Right," you're in for one heck of a mother-in-law problem.

DEAR ABBY: This is the second marriage for my husband, "Harry," and me. Harry's son, "Joel," is coming to visit soon.

Joel is twice-divorced and bringing his girlfriend, whom we have never met. He says he expects his 14-year-old daughter, "Tori," to stay with us, too.

Abby, Joel expects to share a bedroom with his girlfriend while Tori is here. I am opposed to it. Harry wants to please his son, although in theory he is against the arrangement, too. Since Tori lives with her mother in the same town we do, I have suggested that Joel return the girl to her home each night if he expects to sleep with his girlfriend.

Joel is in the military and expects to leave for overseas duty soon, and I don't want to ruin the visit for my husband, but I do feel responsible for Tori.

Are we really dinosaurs with old-fashioned ideas? -- MORAL IN MUSKEGON, MICH.

DEAR MORAL: I don't think so. I agree with you that sharing the same bedroom in front of the girl would be poor judgment, and your solution is a sensible one. To do otherwise would be to send the wrong message. I hope you and Harry stick to your guns.

DEAR ABBY: This is the third time the subject has come up in conversation, and we need an answer so we can stop arguing. The question: Is it OK to call a Little Person a midget or a dwarf? Should they just be referred to as Little People or LPs? Please tell me what is correct. -- LITTLE PROBLEM IN SEATTLE

DEAR LITTLE PROBLEM: Most people of any height would prefer to be referred to by name rather than labeled. However, according to the Billy Barty Foundation, terms such as "dwarf," "little person," "LP" and "person of short stature" are all acceptable.

The term "midget" is considered offensive by most people of short stature because the term dates back to 1865, the height of the "freak show" era, when it was applied to proportionate dwarves who were on display for public amusement.

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DEAR ABBY: I have been married about 16 years, but there is something I can't handle anymore. My husband, "Karl," drinks every day. He insists he doesn't have a problem, but I think his problem is severe.

I have spoken to Karl's parents about it. His father lives with us, so I have spoken to him more than I have to my mother-in-law. His father says we should help him. However, every time there's an episode where Karl gets violent, calls me names and says I'm good for nothing because I don't hold a job, his father says things like, "Karl works hard. He has the right to have a few beers if he wants to."

How can I help my husband stop drinking? -- KARL'S WIFE IN STATEN ISLAND

DEAR WIFE: You can't "help" your husband stop drinking. However, you can help yourself by recognizing that his outbursts have nothing to do with you. Karl's father should be ashamed of himself. By making excuses for his son and turning a blind eye to his abusive outbursts, he has become his son's enabler.

There is an organization for people in your situation. It's called Al-Anon, and it has been mentioned in this column many times. Al-Anon is a 12-step fellowship of people whose lives have been affected by the compulsive drinking of a family member or friend. To locate a chapter near you, call (888) 425-2666, or visit their Web site: www.al-anon.alateen.org. Please do it soon, because when you do, you will be welcomed by people who understand what you have been experiencing and who want to help.

P.S. Another way to help yourself would be to find a job. I predict that the less financially dependent you become, the better you will feel about yourself.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old woman, married 4 1/2 years, and the mother of a 3-year-old son. My husband and I have been having problems recently, and he has become very controlling. We separated once for three weeks, but I was miserable so I went back to him. I guess I'd rather suffer by his side than suffer alone.

My sister is being married next month in a city that's 2,000 miles away, and my husband is refusing to go. My whole family will be there, and I haven't seen them in six years. My husband says if I want to go I should take our son, and while I'm gone he will do "whatever he wants."

I would like to celebrate this special occasion with my husband, not only so I can see my family, but also so they can finally meet him. I don't want to go alone. Should I skip the wedding? -- SPLIT DOWN THE MIDDLE

DEAR SPLIT: Take your son and go to the wedding so your family can meet your little boy. Who knows when your entire family will be assembled again? Because no one has a contract with God, it could be the last time you see some of them.

Please don't let your husband's implied threat dissuade you. Remember, he can "do whatever he wants" while you're in town as easily as he can while you're away. So go and have a good time. And when you get back, make it a point to get marriage counseling.

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DEAR ABBY: My 19-year-old son fell asleep at the wheel of his car this morning on his way to work. He was driving on the expressway, and his car traveled about 80 feet into a wide median, narrowly missing several large obstacles. He's lucky to be alive; his car was totaled.

My son fell asleep because he was tired. We knew he had been making and receiving a lot of late-night phone calls. This morning, after the car was towed, we went over his cell phone records for the past month and learned that he hasn't gone more than three hours without receiving a call! That's a full month without a good night's sleep.

We have contacted other parents. They are discovering the same thing. Because evenings and weekends are free on many cell phone plans, the kids take full advantage. So they call, and call, and call.

A sleep-deprived driver is as dangerous as a driver who's talking on a cell phone, probably even more so. Parents: Teach your kids to skip the late-night phone calls so they can survive their next drive. -- EYES WIDE OPEN IN N.Y.

DEAR EYES WIDE OPEN: I hope parents and teens will pay attention to your letter. Evening and weekend minutes may have been free on your son's calling plan, but because he didn't use them sensibly, they could have cost him his life.

While young people today have become adept at multi-tasking, one fact remains constant: People need a certain amount of sleep in order for their minds and bodies to function properly. Lack of sleep can adversely affect a person's physical and mental health. Sleep deprivation adversely affects not only our reflexes, but also our mental health and our immune systems. This is something we can control. When staying "connected" becomes an addiction, it's time to pull the plug.

DEAR ABBY: My mom is out with her boss, "Larry." She always leaves me home alone to go out with him. I don't think his wife goes with them. Once my mom forgot I only had a half-day of school, and when I came home she was with him in her room. I went to the neighbors so she wouldn't know I had heard them. That night she left me alone again to be with him.

I can't sleep when I'm home alone, and I don't even like taking showers when no one is here. I am scared to be alone. -- LATCHKEY KID, SEATTLE

DEAR LATCHKEY KID: Your letter saddened me when I read it. You should not be left alone as frequently as it appears you are. Have you a relationship with your father, an aunt or uncle, or your grandparents? If the answer is yes, please tell them what you have confided to me and ask if you can stay with one of them sometimes. If you have no family nearby, talk to the mothers of some of your friends and ask if you can spend time at their house when your mother is "otherwise occupied." It's not the same as having her to watch over you, but it would be better than what you've got now. You have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: My question is simple: What causes jealousy? -- ROBERT IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR ROBERT: The answer is simple: It's insecurity.

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