DEAR ABBY: I rarely disagree with you, but after seeing the letter about a woman in a wheelchair cutting into line and "demanding access" to a handicapped restroom stall, I had to write.

Because of post-polio syndrome, I must use a wheelchair outside my home if walking even a moderate distance. To my knowledge, wheelchair users have the same bladder control as anyone else and require no special treatment. Unfortunately, some wheelchair users abuse their obvious physical problems and, at times, become tyrants. However, most of us want to be treated exactly like everyone else unless there's some kind of barrier such as a door that's difficult to open. Otherwise, we do not want special treatment. -- ABBY FAN, JAMESTOWN, N.Y.

DEAR FAN: Other readers echoed your sentiments, and some pointed out that there are people with "hidden" disabilities such as irritable bowel syndrome or incontinence. They felt, as you do, that the woman in the wheelchair was out of line (forgive the pun) for being demanding.

I feel, however, that the person standing in line should have offered to let the woman in the wheelchair go in first. And if she couldn't wait, she should have asked the woman for permission to go ahead of her. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The Americans With Disabilities Act affords persons with disabilities "equal, but not better" access to public services and programs. While it may be "nice" that an able-bodied person allows someone in a wheelchair to have first access to the large stall, legally a person in a wheelchair has to wait just like everyone else. -- AMY IN MADISON, WIS.

DEAR AMY: Let's use logic and consider statistical probability. If the bathroom contained four stalls, and only one was wheelchair-accessible, the odds of the person in the wheelchair getting to go to the bathroom were not "equal." An able-bodied person would have a 100 percent chance of getting a stall, while the disabled person would have only a 25 percent probability (1-in-4). To me, that's not "equal access."

DEAR ABBY: I'm disabled and can't count the times I've entered public restrooms and found the only occupied stall was the one that's handicapped-accessible. Last weekend at the supermarket, the occupant was reading the Sunday paper.

I'd love for anyone who thinks the woman in that letter "bullied" her way into line to spend one week in a wheelchair. They'd quickly discover what a gift their accessibility grants them on a daily basis. Perhaps then they'd understand the frustration of having only one stall to use, and having people who don't need it tell them they need to wait. -- ROSE IN ALTAMONTE SPRINGS, FLA.

DEAR ROSE: We think alike.

DEAR ABBY: Last December, I took my very ill, 80-year-old mother Christmas shopping. She needed to use the restroom, but her wheelchair wouldn't fit through the door. While Mom was struggling to get from her wheelchair into the stall, a woman in her mid-30s charged in and pushed her aside. My mom, who couldn't even stand straight, ended up having an "accident" because of the woman's aggressive rudeness. There's no doubt at all that she saw my mother struggling.

Mom rarely goes anywhere now; she is in hospice. But I'll never forget the incident. There's something seriously wrong with a nation that fails to honor and respect their elderly. Who would do something like that to someone who is old and disabled -- even if they do "gotta go right now"? Thanks for letting me vent! -- VICKI IN ROCKFORD, ILL.

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DEAR ABBY: I'm a police officer with a large metropolitan police department. I have been dating a wonderful woman I'll call "Jamie" who was raised in -- and still resides in -- a small town where everyone knows everyone, and many people still leave their doors unlocked. I'm frustrated with her because she's so trusting of everyone.

The last time Jamie came here to visit, she accepted a ride from a complete stranger while walking to a nightclub. Because she thought he was "nice," she also gave him her name and phone number. Jamie frequently picks up hitchhikers, and last week after she finished work, she let an intoxicated male come to her barber shop at 10 p.m. and gave him a haircut. When she was finished cutting his hair, she told me he took out a bag of marijuana and asked her to smoke with him. Jamie does not use controlled substances. She says she gave him a ride back to his hotel so he would leave the shop.

I constantly tell my girlfriend to use common sense with strangers and stop assuming everyone is nice. I see violence, misery and mayhem every day, and I tell her about it. I'm afraid unless she starts using common sense that one day she'll be a victim. Please help me get through to her. Jamie is a wonderful person, but she won't listen to me. -- WITS' END IN THE WEST

DEAR "END": While I admire your girlfriend's optimism, I agree her naivete is dangerous. So far she has been lucky -- but any one of the incidents you described could have ended badly.

A picture is worth a thousand words. Because you have been unable to convince her verbally, consider showing her photographs of what has happened to some of the individuals who became victims because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time, or because they trusted a stranger. If that doesn't wake her up, nothing will.

DEAR ABBY: I have wanted to convert to Judaism ever since I was 16. (I am now 19.) I was raised as a Christian by non-religious parents. But when I announced that I wanted to convert, they had a fit.

I now realize that I would like to go further than conversion, Abby. I would like to become a rabbi. When I told my parents, they became so upset they ordered me to see a psychologist. It was hurtful enough that they didn't accept my conversion -- and now this. What should I do? -- DEPRESSED IN ASHEBORO, N.C.

DEAR DEPRESSED: Discuss this with your rabbi, who I am sure will be sympathetic and supportive, and by all means talk with a psychologist. A mental health professional may be able to help you find a way to make your parents understand that this is YOUR life and future, and not a criticism of them or the way they raised you.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a question regarding table manners. He says that when you are eating with your right hand, your left arm should be resting on the table fully extended.

I say your left hand should be in your lap. Who is right? -- WONDERING IN WINDSOR, CALIF.

DEAR WONDERING: You are. According to Emily Post's Etiquette (16th Edition): "You may rest your hands and wrists -- but not your entire forearm -- on the edge of the table."

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am in a committed 10-year marriage with "Cathy," a woman I love dearly. My problem is, Cathy doesn't trust me. Her ex-husband cheated on her, her father cheated on her mother, and I feel like I'm paying for their sins.

I play in a band that has "gigs" in bars once a month. I also like to go for a beer with the fellas after work a couple of times a month. (I work days in a manufacturing plant.) Whenever I play with the band and Cathy is present, I constantly have to watch that I don't talk to any women in her presence.

The place I work has 1,200 employees. Many of them come to see our band to show their support. (The majority of our employees are female.) Cathy considers it disrespectful to her that they come to hear us, and she acts as if she's in constant fear that I might stray, despite my reassurances that I'm totally committed to her.

What can I do? I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. -- DESPERATE TO UNDERSTAND IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DESPERATE: There is nothing you can do because the problem isn't yours; it's your wife's. Until you came into her life, her two most significant male relationships were with men who were unfaithful. The fact that the male role model -- her father -- was a cheater set up her expectations for how "all" men behave.

If you haven't already done so, I urge you to have a serious talk with your wife about how her suspicions make you feel. It is unrealistic to expect you to spend the rest of your life wearing blinders and talking only to men. If she's smart, she'll talk to a counselor about this, because suspicion and accusations that an innocent spouse is cheating can destroy a marriage as surely as infidelity can.

DEAR ABBY: I am 25, single and hard-working. I am also pregnant. The father, "Zack," is married and expecting his first child in August. I'm due in October.

I met Zack at a bar. I wasn't looking for a serious relationship, just a fun evening. Zack seemed like a nice guy. He never said he was involved with anyone, let alone married, and he wasn't wearing a ring. Well, our night of passion has now led to a lifetime of concern.

Zack doesn't want me to "ruin his marriage," and I don't want to be called a homewrecker. I initially didn't want him involved at all, but reality has set in and I will need his financial help.

Once my baby is born, Zack will be taking a blood test to establish paternity. My family knows nothing about all this, but it's hard to hide. It will be even harder once the court comes into play regarding child support.

How should I break it to them? Should I be ashamed? I don't think so, because I didn't know Zack was married -- so why is he burdening me with the guilt of ruining his marriage? -- MOTHER-TO-BE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR MOTHER-TO-BE: Tell your family in plain English about what's going on, because you are going to need their emotional support in the months to come. Clearly, you will get none from Zack because he will have his hands full explaining this child to his wife.

Should you be ashamed? Unless you consider having unprotected sex with a stranger you met at a bar one of your prouder moments, I think you should.

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