DEAR ABBY: My beautiful, intelligent 18-year-old daughter, "Lara," has just completed her first year of college. She's attending school out of state in the same city where her father, "Grant" -- my ex -- is living.

Abby, Grant left when Lara was 5 months old. He left us for his sister, with whom he had been having an affair, because she told him she was pregnant with his child. The divorce was very hard on us, and my daughter has been in counseling for years -- including at the college.

Lara spends her holidays with her father, her aunt and their two children. She's aware of the incestuous relationship and vents a lot of anger at me for the rough time we've had. In the past, Lara's therapists have told me she directs her anger at me because "she can't get angry at the person she should really be angry at -- her father."

My daughter refuses to tell her current therapist about the incestuous relationship because she's afraid it will be reported to the authorities and the children will be taken away. The sister bought Lara a car and a cell phone, and pays the phone bill, car insurance and some of Lara's other expenses. I suspect the thought of losing the car and cell phone have something to do with my daughter's hesitation to level with her therapist.

How can I get Lara to stop abusing me because of her repressed anger at her father? -- LOVING MOTHER IN ALABAMA

DEAR LOVING MOTHER: The most effective way to stop someone from abusing you is to quit tolerating it. The next time your daughter becomes abusive, inform her that you do not deserve to be treated that way and will not listen. Tell her that unless she is willing to level with her therapist, she might as well quit because it's a waste of everyone's time. Say it in as loving a tone as you can, and do not raise your voice. Then politely end the conversation. You have suffered enough.

DEAR ABBY: Would you please suggest to teenage baby sitters or young houseguests that they ask permission from the homeowner about using their computer before just jumping on it?

We recently hired a lovely young lady to baby-sit our son. I didn't think to mention that she should stay off our computer because it contains sensitive personal and business data. Our son later informed us that she had been on the computer even while he was still awake. That's not what we pay her for. Parents should instruct their teenagers that other people's home computers are off-limits. -- FURIOUS IN MINNESOTA

DEAR FURIOUS: I have a better idea. Owners of home computers with "sensitive" information on them should install a password to prevent the kind of activity you have described. And if I were you, I'd find a more mature baby sitter with a more professional attitude than that "lovely young lady" -- because while she was on your computer, she was neglecting your son.

DEAR ABBY: I have never seen this addressed in your column before. When conversing with someone who has a severe stutter, is it impolite to help the person finish his or her sentence? I am in the customer service industry. If I know the word the customer is trying to say, is it OK to help -- or should I let the speaker finish on his or her own? -- WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR WANTS: Although your impulse to be helpful is noble, it is impolite to interrupt others when they are talking. The polite way to handle the situation is to allow the person to finish the sentence.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Pete," and I have been happily married for four years. We get along beautifully, have a wonderful physical relationship, share many interests and truly enjoy being together. However, we do not share a bedroom.

In the beginning, we tried to share a room, but I never got any sleep and was extremely crabby and exhausted all the time. We finally realized we just don't sleep well together. When I'm sleeping, I like it freezing cold; he likes it warm. He sleeps with the TV on; I must have complete silence and total darkness. I need nine hours of sleep to feel rested; he's a night owl who gets by on four to five hours. I have tried sleep masks and ear plugs without success.

We do share a bed when we travel, but when I have to get up for work in the morning, I'd better sleep alone. We are both perfectly fine with this arrangement. The problem is, our families insist that a married couple should share a bedroom, no matter what. How can we get our families to leave us alone? -- FRUSTRATED IN FLORIDA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: While the majority of my readers would agree that there is a special kind of closeness and intimacy that comes from sharing a bed or bedroom, there's no law that demands couples have to do it. When spouses' sleep habits are as disparate as yours are, it should be to both people's benefit to sleep separately, and your families should respect your choice and stay out of it.

DEAR ABBY: You recently published a letter from a librarian complaining about library conduct. You think SHE has stress? I work for an answering service, and we get screamed at, hung up on and verbally abused multiple times per hour!

Some businesses use us to screen their calls. The people they refuse to call back threaten to sue us! We had to call the police once because a nutty client was coming to the building to "get the operator" he thought made him lose business because the caller lied about having left a message with us. People take their last pill in the morning, neglect to call the doctor's office all day, then scream at us because their doctor has a "no refills after office hours" policy. Then, there are the doctors who get mad when we page them because the pharmacy or the hospital can't read their writing.

Tenants call their apartment after-hours emergency lines and call us names because insect infestations are not considered an emergency by their management, and we must refuse to page the man on call. There are also the people who call us stupid when we ask them to spell the unusual names their mothers made up for them at birth.

Thankfully, there are enough polite callers and wonderful clients and doctors to make my job worth keeping. I try my best to be polite and helpful, but please remind your readers not to take their frustrations out on us. We're just the ones in the middle. -- WORKING GIRL IN OHIO

DEAR WORKING GIRL: It takes a special kind of emotional stamina to keep a cool head, a stiff upper lip and a smile when confronted with people who have forgotten -- or never learned -- their manners. My hat is off to you, and to all of the stalwart individuals working on the front lines of customer relations -- and that includes those in the retail and food service industries.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My name is "Johnny." I am 18 and currently incarcerated. I was locked up last March and won't be out for another five months. I'm facing a terrible problem when I get out and I need your help.

I have a girlfriend, "Brianna," who I love with all my heart and will do anything for. We have been together since I was 14. She has been with me through everything. She's now pregnant with my baby. Her cousin and her best friend are also pregnant. They all know each other is pregnant, but the cousin and friend haven't told Brianna that I'm the father. She has been asking questions, but they tell her they're "not sure." They insist that it's my place to tell her.

My mother secretly pays for each of the girls' doctor visits and everything they need, but she says she can't keep sneaking around doing this.

It's killing me knowing I'll have to hurt my girlfriend. I don't want her to leave me because I love her, and she has both of my cars, my motorcycle and the house I bought. I'm afraid she will destroy them when she finds out. I'm so worried I can't sleep. Please tell me what to do. -- JOHNNY-IN-A-SPOT

DEAR JOHNNY: As I see it, you have three choices: ask to join a witness protection program, beg for an extended sentence -- or start acting like a man and take responsibility for your actions. Count on your girlfriend being upset when you tell her. That's a normal reaction to finding out the person she loved and trusted cheated on her with two other women -- her best friend and her cousin.

While you're talking, suggest that she do nothing rash, because you may have to sell the cars, the motorcycle and the house to live up to your financial obligations to all three of your children.

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of three children. I'm having a problem with my 4-year-old child, "Josh," who has an attitude problem.

Josh beats up on his two siblings. When his little sister plays with him, he often hits and kicks her. When she gets up and walks away, he starts screaming her name -- then walks over and hits and kicks her some more. When his big brother comes home from school, Josh starts beating on him, too. He's just a mean kid.

I have tried everything I know to steer him away from this kind of bullying. I have put him in time-out, during which he screams at the top of his lungs and then proceeds to get up and start trying to hit ME. I have spanked him, for which he has also hit me. (He was spanked again.) I have taken away things he likes to play with, his allowance, his TV time, and I have grounded him. None of it seems to work.

I have told his father when he comes home from work, but he doesn't believe me. Any advice you can offer would be appreciated because I've reached the end of my rope. -- MOTHER AT THE END IN GEORGIA

DEAR MOTHER: Because you have done everything you can do to discourage your son's violent behavior, it's time to take him to his pediatrician for a medical evaluation. If everything checks out, ask for a referral to a child psychologist. Do it now, before he's big enough to seriously hurt someone.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)